Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Cedric Benson vs Texas police: Round 3

Durr, I am a total fucking idiot.

In arguably the most predictable story of all time, Cedric Benson was arrested for assault after punching some guy (I'm going to skip the "allegedly" crap) in the face at a bar in Austin, TX.

Given that this is his 3rd arrest for a physical altercation during an offseason in the past 3 years AND that there are multiple witnesses from the incident AND that it took place at 1:30am at a crowded bar AND that he's reached a 9.5 on the mongoloid scale... I think the following quotes are even more amazing (from ESPN):

Bartender Bryan White told police that once outside, Benson complained to people passing by that "all these white boys are ganging up on me and kicking me out."

One of Benson's attorneys, Sam Bassett, said his client "looks forward to telling his side of the story at the appropriate time."

"Though he does not entirely agree with the version of facts recited in the court filings," Bassett said, "he does not wish to make his comments public at this time."

/Still laughing.

Yeah, I can't wait to hear his side of the story. He doesn't ENTIRELY agree with the facts... so I assume he's completely blame free here. We're so quick to judge...

Anyway, after feeling like I got kicked in the balls last season this is a nice bit of validation for the Bears organization. I still don't understand why we drafted this cretin in the first place but at least I don't feel as bad about cutting his ass.

Nevertheless, when he manages to stay out of prison and on the field, the dude can play:

P.S. I still fully blame him for driving Thomas Jones out of town, which makes him my least favorite Bear of all time and set us back a lot of money and a draft pick (on Forte). It might have been easier to just keep the MOST PRODUCTIVE RB OVER THE LAST 5 SEASONS and call it a day. I'm mad just typing this. Fuck you Benson, you entitled, arrogant sack of shit.


Sunday, June 27, 2010

How To: Getting On The Bandwagon

Every Chicago resident, this post is for you. I know it hurt when all your friends were jumping on the Blackhawks bandwagon, and you just didn't know how to get on board. When you jumped for joy at a Byfuglien goal, they would oust you immediately when you incorrectly stated "Go Bi-Fuglian!" The sports world is a cruel and unrelenting beast, and fans that suddenly start rooting for the winning team are generally frowned upon*.

Luckily, I'm here to give you a chance to jump in with the White Sox, currently the hottest team in baseball. They're not in first place yet, and they just had their win-streak broken at 11, but they are definitely on the rise and have the potential to be an interesting team to watch down the stretch. Instead of waiting until August to care (and subsequently playing catchup on who the hell is on the team), let's get you some basic talking points to get in with some fans:
  • "Gordon Beckham is really not having a good year...do you think he'll get demoted?"
  • "Gavin Floyd has been insanely good lately but does not have the record to show it!"
  • "Carlos Quentin is driving in a lot of runs despite his batting average!"
  • "Will Omar Vizquel get playing time once Teahen gets back?"
Now, of course these are all questions and statements designed to make it look like you have a general idea as to what the hell you're talking about without actually requiring you to follow up with more information. There is no possible response to any of these four items that will result in you having to come up with a logical way to continue the conversation.

Once you get past these "icebreakers", it's on to the more hardcore questions:
  • Do you think Andruw Jones is going to be back next year?
  • When will they call up Carlos Torres?
  • Did you know that Southpaw is actually a chick?
  • What is Guillen's obsession with Kotsay?
  • Have you noticed how they're protecting Santos?
Questions like these will get you "in" with even the most hardened Sox fan. Unfortunately, these also require you to back up the conversation with some additional facts if the other participant can't answer. In order, the answer to these questions is "No," "July," "Yeah, she totally is," "He just screams 'Swagger'," and "Yeah, after a few bad outings, they don't want him to get figured out."

Once you've gotten through this basic initiation ritual, you're free to blissfully ignore the rest of the Sox season until August, waiting patiently until the Sox either make the playoffs or tank, at which point you can either remain unaffiliated or declare that you were "there for them the whole time and not like those fair-weather fan fuckbags."

Happy bandwagoning!*

* Unless you're a Cubs fan, in which case you should kill yourself anyways.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Bye Bye Cap'n Kirk

(Looks like someone just credit carded the Cap'n)

In advance of the upcoming draft the Bulls are making moves. This just in from ESPN the Bulls are going to send Kirk to the Wiz kids and the 17th pick for cap space.

Im all for this, ive been wanting to see Kirk go for a while. Hes a good player but has no role on the bulls. Lets hope we can get two studs in the free agent market and start kicking ass like its the mid 90's.


Thursday, June 10, 2010

This is too funny

Lifted from barstool (www.barstoolsports.com) this afternoon:

Just too good not to repost.

I love this guy.


Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Called it (yawn).

And of course, the Dong's favorite stud DBuff scores his 11th goal this postseason (beast!) and Patrick Kane redeemed himself with the OT game winner. If you haven't seen this shot yet, it's amazing (and not just because of the awesome mullet:

The cup returns to Chicago for the first time in 49 years. So wonderful. I think even 50 or 60 people watched the game. FYI in New York, the only indication that the Hawks won the Stanely freakin Cup was the bottom screen ticker on Baseball Tonight. Thank god for SlingBox and screw ESPN.


Monday, June 7, 2010

Hawks in 6

The chick in the Toews jersey is hot. Oh, and that's MJ.

He looks good in that jersey. I think he's been at all the Hawks home games in the finals, which is funny since I don't remember him attending any of the Bulls playoff games... I think he's really starting to hurt our chances of getting a big time FA - we should bring back Pipp, Kerr, Rodman, whoever and showcase them around a bit (we're a loyal organization!!).

Aside from Vince Vaughn, I think he was the only celeb they showed on TV. By comparison, the Lakers/Celtics game had the pope and 97% of the Vatican.

Anyhoo, Byfuglian continues to extend the Dongediction, scores 2 goals and we're 1 win away from the first Stanley Cup since 1961. This is very exciting. I was in Chicago over the weekend and saw more people in Hawks gear than I've ever seen in my life, including when we were popular with Roenick, Belfour and Chelios. Hot chicks too. Must be the ice girls influence:

Sidenote: I think that's the dude from the Office next to Jordan and is the other guy Penny Hardaway? Loved Lil Penny...


Wednesday, June 2, 2010