Sunday, June 27, 2010

How To: Getting On The Bandwagon

Every Chicago resident, this post is for you. I know it hurt when all your friends were jumping on the Blackhawks bandwagon, and you just didn't know how to get on board. When you jumped for joy at a Byfuglien goal, they would oust you immediately when you incorrectly stated "Go Bi-Fuglian!" The sports world is a cruel and unrelenting beast, and fans that suddenly start rooting for the winning team are generally frowned upon*.

Luckily, I'm here to give you a chance to jump in with the White Sox, currently the hottest team in baseball. They're not in first place yet, and they just had their win-streak broken at 11, but they are definitely on the rise and have the potential to be an interesting team to watch down the stretch. Instead of waiting until August to care (and subsequently playing catchup on who the hell is on the team), let's get you some basic talking points to get in with some fans:
  • "Gordon Beckham is really not having a good you think he'll get demoted?"
  • "Gavin Floyd has been insanely good lately but does not have the record to show it!"
  • "Carlos Quentin is driving in a lot of runs despite his batting average!"
  • "Will Omar Vizquel get playing time once Teahen gets back?"
Now, of course these are all questions and statements designed to make it look like you have a general idea as to what the hell you're talking about without actually requiring you to follow up with more information. There is no possible response to any of these four items that will result in you having to come up with a logical way to continue the conversation.

Once you get past these "icebreakers", it's on to the more hardcore questions:
  • Do you think Andruw Jones is going to be back next year?
  • When will they call up Carlos Torres?
  • Did you know that Southpaw is actually a chick?
  • What is Guillen's obsession with Kotsay?
  • Have you noticed how they're protecting Santos?
Questions like these will get you "in" with even the most hardened Sox fan. Unfortunately, these also require you to back up the conversation with some additional facts if the other participant can't answer. In order, the answer to these questions is "No," "July," "Yeah, she totally is," "He just screams 'Swagger'," and "Yeah, after a few bad outings, they don't want him to get figured out."

Once you've gotten through this basic initiation ritual, you're free to blissfully ignore the rest of the Sox season until August, waiting patiently until the Sox either make the playoffs or tank, at which point you can either remain unaffiliated or declare that you were "there for them the whole time and not like those fair-weather fan fuckbags."

Happy bandwagoning!*

* Unless you're a Cubs fan, in which case you should kill yourself anyways.

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