Monday, June 29, 2009

It's a lovely day...

Now, some of you might expect me to be the sort of person who would carefully savor each morsel of the Chicago White Sox's victory over the hapless Chicago Cubs, but I'm going to prove you all wrong and take the higher road. I will not sepnd the time reflecting on how completely inept your team is, how the Sox bludgeoned your "ace", or how the Cubs managed to blow countless scoring opportunities.

Because they suck.

And are the scum of the earth.

Instead, here's some things I noticed:

#1. Milton Bradley is a bigger defensive liability than I would have imagined. Imagine Scott Podsednik. Now, take Podsednik and break both of his legs. Maybe gouge out an eye to make the depth perception a problem too. Now put him in right field. Every ball hit to right field became an extra base hit because runners (rightfully) challenged Bradley's ability to get to the ball and throw it to the second baseman. I don't watch a lot of Cubs games, but I can see this being a problem.

#2. The infield fly rule apparently applies to a shitty outfield as well.
If you caught the game (and if you didn't, you're probably a "Chicago" fan and need to be killed), you'd know that if your fielders are JUUUUST bad enough, the infield fly rule applies...outside the infield. Not complaining about it (we scored a run because we TAGGED UP), but I am mightiliy amused by this.

#3. The White Sox are getting faster.
I remember last year when the Sox went through baserunning stretches of "station-t0-station" misery. No one could run, no one could PINCH RUN, and generally, unless there were three hits in a row, no one was scoring. With Pods, Anderson, Wise, Bechkam, Getz, Fields, Ramirez, and Nix, you've got a bunch of guys that can all run (being realistic, I did not include Dye on that list). It was nice to see Ozzie bust out some small ball on Sunday, even trying to pull the squeeze with Pods and Wise.

#4. I fucking hate DeWayne Wise.
There, I said it. It's not (entirely) because he takes time from Anderson - it's that he just shoudn't be starting on any major league team. It would be like if Timo Perez were signed to play and we started him over Pods in LF for an entire week. It's the wrong choice! Other facts: I hate his plate approach, I hate his inability to hit, I hate his crappy read on the ball in CF, I hate that his speed is his entire crutch...I even hate his AB music ("Ain't I" by Yung LA)! This marks, what, the third day in a row without Anderson!?

#5. I almost pooped myself when I heard DeRosa was going to the Cardinals.
It was close. I may have sharded a little, but I don't think that counts. Now, if the Cardinals are serious about getting Holliday also, I may need to start bringing an extra pair of pants with me.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Quick thoughts

1) NBA Draft: The Bulls drafted the most generically named athlete of all time, James Johnson.

He's not bad.

He's a good fit on the team, doesn't indicate we're shopping anyone (good news) but I was hoping we could pacakge our picks and get a better low post option. Whatever, right now everything depends on whether we re-sign BoGo and if Deng still has any skills.

2) Michael Jackson is dead. Sad. He's a freak but still lovable (in the way special needs adults are lovable).

MJ and MJ at a better time:

3) I'm not wearing pants

4) Geo Soto is blazingly awesome.

5) The Big Hurt is "95%" close to retirement. I thought this happened already... (

6) I'm finished.

7) Keg

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Michael Jackson May Be Dead...

...but even from beyond the grave stuff like this continues to surface. Good lord he was responsible for some fucked up shit.

Drink, Drink, and Be Merry

What's mine say? Dude! What's mine say? Suite!

Who likes booze? Okay, who likes baseball?

Well, here's a reminder: Jim Beam has a contest to win Sox-related stuff.

You can to win the experience of a lifetime with Jim Beam’s “Take the Mound” sweepstakes. One lucky winner will get the opportunity to throw out the first pitch at a White Sox game, four (4) tickets to the U.S. Cellular Field Jim Beam Club, and autographed White Sox memorabilia! Please let your readers know that all they need to do is visit and register to win.

I'm not saying that mentioning Luol's Dong might give you an edge in the competition...but I'm not saying it won't. Get my drift? Me either.


I don't care how good the Dodgers have been this year - if you send every pitcher up there to throw fastballs down the heart of the plate, you're going to give up 6 HRs. Best of all, the one time that they decide to change it up and throw a breaking pitch is against Josh Fields...the guy who can't hit a fastball! Hilarious!

As a further testament to our inability to move runners or play smart ball, ALL TEN WHITE SOX RUNS WERE SCORED ON HOMERUNS. That's right - not a single runner crossed home on a base hit, sac fly, or anything like that. If it wasn't out of the park, the runners weren't scoring. The 6 HR were the most in a game since 2004...if anyone cares.

Even better is that this game somehow became close when Jimmy CockGobbler was put into the game. Why is does being a lefty somehow entitle him to a spot on this team? I would rather have a pitching machine out there - at least the machine can throw strikes. Instead, in what should have been a blowout, Octavio Dotel has to get called in to pitch, along with Bobby Jenks (and it's extremely distressing that Dotel has a WHIP of 1.63). What a waste.

And now, here's Paul Gilbert with some astronauts:

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Always stand by your teammates

Why no congressman, I don't recall eating the old Sammy Sosa...

Ryne Sandberg just become the second ex-Cub that I can tolerate (I've always liked Mark Grace, I'm sorry, really can't help it). According to Ryno, Sosa (and any other steroid abuser) does not deserve to be inducted into the Hall of Fame due to the "integrity" requirement.

Couldn't agree more, big guy.

You cheat and lie about it to the fans (and the government), you don't deserve to be immortalized as an athlete that represents the best of the game. It's pretty straightforward.

From the NY times (which apparently employs better writers than the Dong):

Sosa, who is sixth on Major League Baseball’s career home run list and last played in 2007, had long been suspected of using performance-enhancing drugs, but until now he had never been publicly linked to a positive test.

At the hearing in 2005, Sosa testified that “everything” he had heard “about steroids and human growth hormones is that they are bad for you, even lethal” and that he “would never put anything dangerous like that” in his body.

“To be clear,” he added, “I have never taken illegal performance-enhancing drugs. I have never injected myself or had anyone inject me with anything.”

During that hearing, McGwire, by then retired, repeatedly declined to answer questions about possible drug use, saying he was not there to talk about the past. His statements were widely viewed as an admission of guilt, and since then he has had little involvement with baseball except for privately serving as a hitting tutor for several major leaguers.

At that same hearing, Palmeiro pointed his finger at committee members as he said: “I have never used steroids. Period.” Five months later, he was suspended for 10 games as a result of a positive steroids test."

Could this whole thing be more obvious? How the hell did Sosa outlast Palmeiro and McGwire by 4 years?? Is he some kind of media genius? His case was the most obvious of all... What did we pay congress to do about this again? What a fucking joke.


Bull Shit

(Can you say baby Brand?)

I know its hard in the midst of baseball season to think about the Bulls, but stop crying, clean out your vaginas and deal with it.

NBA draft is this week and it will have huge implications for the bulls. I know some of you may be thinking that the Bulls coming off a great playoff performance are set for next year, think again.

This bulls team was at best mediocre this year and had a great playoff series against the Celtics (Minus KG). We are lacking in several positions and still need to figure this Ben Gordon situation out. So it kills me to read this in todays tribune, ""We may take a point guard if we feel that's the best player available," general manager Gar Forman said at a Berto Center news conference."

When are we going to learn that doesnt work. We already have a franchise point guard, and a back up point guard (hinrich) why would we waste a first round draft pick on a point guard that will never see the floor?

Ever since the bone head Brand trade, we have not had a bigman that can consistently score. Tyrus, as much as I love him has not developed and Joe Noah aka the big circus will never be a big scorer.

Please Please Please draft a legit big man that can score. And what the fuck is happening with Luol Deng?

(Ben Gordon respecting the awesome power of The Dong and twittering balls)

Speaking of Twitter

Today's Twitter-related stupidity comes from Dong reader David Gonos (check out his stuff at Open Sports).

Twitter has become an athlete’s way of skipping the media altogether and communicating directly with their fans. The cynic in all of us knows that this is just a marketing tool, but the spectator in us enjoys the random non-retractable comments we might otherwise never have read.

Little did you know, though, that Twitter has actually been around for almost a century now, and has only recently become mainstream. I took time to do some deep research, and I came up with the 10 best “tweets” you might have missed over the past 100 years.

10. BostonBillBuck: big win last night, up 3 games to 2, headed to shea! curse of bambino almost over!!!

9. SD_GM-Beathard: Didn’t want Peyton anyway – can’t win the big game. Leaf will domin8!

8. THE_REAL_BABE: Hey Boston, how my ass taste?

7. Charlie_Hustle14: Hunch --gonna beat the Dodgers by 1.5 runs tonight. ;-)

6. OJuice: Ugh, bad day. Bronco got dirty, ruined Bruno Magli’s, lost a glove, almost missed flight and got just five McNuggets. Is it Friday yet?

5. Bonds40-40: #FF @JCanseco, @RogerRocket, @A-Rod_Money, @BALCO, @CaminitiKen, @Pettitte_Pitcher, @Big_Giambi

4. FavreQB4: Montana to KC!? Come on, Joe! Ur a legend, know when to hang it up!

3. Georgia_Peach: Baseball has gone to hell. :-( RT @JackieRobinson_42: Guess who’s playing 2B for the Dodgers!?!!!

2. CoryLidle1972: Tweeting @ 5000 feet, LOL - This is gr

1. Stilt_Wilt: 10,000!!!!!!! :-)

No. 2, tasteless, I know. Going to hell, yadayada.

I still think that we're missing a couple of Chicago-based ones. Namely...

motherf#$%@ing_oz: counting the days until I can bench @ghetto_anderson for @dewayne_is_wise.

what a weekend! wtf...did i just wake up in denver?

@andres_johnson cant wait to show the cheerleaders here my deep ball

da_coach4ever: @jesus choose your god.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Twitter update


LuolsDong officially has 2,001 followers on Twitter.

That's a lot of follows.

A giant black monolith like in the 2001 a Space Odyssey.

My balls - twitter them.


Can't we all...just...get along?

Moments after Sosa was revealed to be a cheater

Loyal Dong Reader Bloomerqueef sent in the following response when asked if he was "surprised" about Sosa being labeled a cheater. We thought we'd share:

"Does a bear shit in the woods?

My mother who knows nothing about baseball knew that Sammy Sosa was taking steroids. Seriously is anyone surprised? I thought it was just sort of common knowledge that the HR race of 97 or whenever that was was fueled entirely by horse pills, bitch tit suppressors, anabolic steroids, and yes, Flintstones vitamins. I don't get why everyone is so shocked. I never had much of an affinity for Sammy though, as he disappeared in the playoffs (like so many of his Cub brethren. How fitting).

Yes, the Cubs are horrible. Jim Hendry and Lou Pinella gave the team the old cleveland steamer when they traded in Mark DeRosa, a clubhouse guy who everyone liked and produced offensively and defensively at every position, for Milton Bradley. Bradley is a clubhouse cancer who is perpetually injured and, after raising his batting average 100 points, is hitting .234. It was a horrible trade. The bullpen sucks, the new closer sucks, and the only thing keeping the team afloat is that the starting pitching has been good enough to keep them in almost every game. Don't even get me started on Aaron Miles. I want to punch my own cock when I think about the moves that they made in the off season to "improve" the team.

Is Kenny Williams on the hot seat yet? Has anyone realized that Ozzie was on the right side of luck in 2005? Not that it wasn't a good team, but come ON! I guess that's baseball for you. A bunch of juiced up millionaires who can't earn their living.

At least we have Cutler!"

Couldn't have said it better myself. Also, I would much rather that Ozzie be on the hot seat than KW - at least Kenny has made some real steals for the club (see: Carlos Quentin, Podsednik Part Deux, Danks, Floyd...etc). As for Ozzie, he routinely runs players into the ground until they submit to a doghouse role (Anderson, Fields) or are traded (Broadway, Swisher, Betemit). I believe that Ozzie was a reason that Peavy wouldn't come to town as well.

At least we have Cutler.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

For your sunday viewing pleasure

Most ridiculous movie of all time:

Friday, June 19, 2009

Shut Your Face

Props to the TPC for showing classic "Cubs-Fan" mentality. You took ONE game, and it was a squeaker. The game should have been yet another "L" for the Loveable Losers, but due to some brilliant managerial work by Ozzie (read: DO NOT LET THORNTON PITCH MORE THAN ONE INNING. EVER. JESUS!), you get off with a squeaker and a split series.

You think this gives you bragging rights? This gives you nothing. You have a win. A simple "+1" to that ever depressing "W" column. Brian Anderson has better numbers than your big FA acquisition of the offseason (AND Brian Anderson was hurt too, so no excuses), AJ Pierzynski has better numbers than your "Rookie of the year" catcher, and Bartolo Colon (yes THAT guy) has started more games than big-name Rich Harden.

You have done absolutely nothing to be proud of. You squeaked out a lucky win. Bravo. Way to win with skill, passion, and good fundamentals...oh wait! Didn't you win because of an error by the 2B? Yeah, that's right.

Oh, and as for "why the Cubs aren't the best ever", this team just isn't that good. Admit it. I don't want to hear the "Wah, we don't have Aramis Ramirez" excuse, because we've got it just as bad with Carlos Quentin - your team is just bad. Kill yourselves.

So TPC, you can pretend that your Cubs have done something to be proud of, but if you're going to search every nook and cranny for some semblance of Cubs pride, you might as well just bend over and take a hypodermic needle in the ass to go along with your corked bat.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Go Cubs Go

( Ahh the joys of being a cubs fan)

Just when you thought the cubs couldnt get any worse, they go ahead and TOTALLY REDEEM THEMSELVES!

Huge fucking victory for the cubbies, hopefully this jump starts a big winning streak.

(Another packed night at the cell especially the upper deck)

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Douchebag of the week

"Don't forget to cup the balls"

In honor of the cubs-sox series this weekend, I thought i'd highlight just one of the douchebags currently on the White Sox. Ozzie is piece of work that got fucking lucky in 2005. He was an average ball player, is not a good manager and does not know when to shut his mouth. For example, lets take his comments about Jay Mariotti, "What a piece of shit he is, fucking fag."
, now look at the picture at the top of the post, id say thats a clear case of the pot calling the kettle black.

I cant wait for Ozzies ass to get fired so he can go back to his Brazzaz commercials, just what he likes long- hard meat.

I hope the Cubs kick the shit out of the sox so we can hear more "intelligent" Ozzie comments.

"I know my vagina also has sand in it"


Flinstones vitamins and lots of hard work


I am SO surprised right now.

Apparently, someone started a rumor that Slammin' Sammy Sosa used steroids during his HR barrage over the last decade and now the media is COMPLETELY FABRICATING some kind of "test result" from 2003 to turn public opinion against him.

I am so upset. This is totally unexpected.

For someone who praised the lord with kisses after every home run, who corked his bat ONLY to provide entertainment during batting practice and proved to be such an admirable role model in his friendly competition with that steroid abuser McGwire, this is borderline slander.

I guess nobody is safe in todays internet-savvy world, filled with attention seeking bloggers and desperate media - even a true model athelete like Sammy Sosa.

Oh, one more thing:


You fucking dirty, cheating, lying, stupid sack of shit. I've hated you since the White Sox cleveland steamed your contract onto the Cubs. I hated you even more when you started magically crushing thousands of home runs to go along with your billions of strikeouts. I hated you most of all when you got caught with a corked bat WHILE TAKING STEROIDS and had the AUDACITY to pretend like you weren't cheating. "Oh, so sorry, I don't speak english so well, suddenly can't understand you."

I despise Sammy Sosa, always have, always will. When he goes to jail for lying in federal court, I hope he gets to bunk with Helen the circus giant.

All Life Validated

Forsooth, I shall needeth an interpreter!

Oh man. I cannot even begin to tell you how long I have waited for this. That smug grin. The asshole attitude. The way that his "baseball been berry berry good to me" bullshit was lapped up like putrid milk.


Boom! Busted for steroids. Finally! It's like that scene in The Shawshank Redemption where the guy emerges from the sewer and tears his shirt off in that downpour. I don't know why it took this long (is there some federal rule about having to wait six years before skewering a public figure?), but I am RELISHING IT.

We knew it to be true, all of us. Our daily "research" (porn, wipe the browser cookies before the wife gets home, porn after she goes to bed) started every day with the keywords "sosa, steroids, about fucking time." We did the best investigative research available. No stone was left unturned. How did he keep slipping through the cracks? The obvious musculature, the corked bat incident, and yet he was still given a free pass.

And now, my friends, we are victorious. Let it be known that Frank Thomas is, was, and will forever be the best (and only CLEAN) hitter of the 1990s.


Tuesday, June 16, 2009

An Excercise in Awesome

What's a ZJ, you ask? Let me show you...

In order to better scout the Brewers' ability to defeat the Cubs down the stretch (and with a little help from Agent YoJo), I managed to secure some tickets to Sunday's Sox-Brewers showdown. The game was filled with momentous occasions - Brian Anderson and DeWayne Wise both played the entire game (a first), Buerhle hit a HR (a first), Clayton Richard was a pinch-runner (a first), and I found THE BEST INVENTION EVER while tailgating.
Here's a riddle - what combines beer, boobs, and male bonding without an orgy or supergluing beer cans on a drunk chick? Answer is below!


If I didn't see it with my own eyes, I probably would have invented it later this year (along with the Beer Schlong...which I'm sure you can figure out). This is, bar none, the coolest thing I have ever seen while tailgating. It's not every day that a woman comes up to you from your blind spot yelling SUCK MY TITS!

If that is an every day occurence for you, you're probably an infant and you aren't old enough to read this blog. Also, I am impressed by your ability to read at such a young age.

Seriously though - for having their home field turned into U.S. Cellular Milwaukee, the majority of Brewers fans were pretty cool about us being there. Way to show class, Milwaukee...but I still think your team isn't going to do shit without Ben Sheets or a way to clone Ryan Braun.

Oh, and in case you were wondering what the result of that Buerhle homer was:

Hey! Quit raping my kid!

Monday, June 15, 2009

Cubs Vs Sox

It's on.

It's rivalry week bitches!!

Call it whatever you want: The Crosstown Classic, The Windy City Showdown, Red Line Rivalry, City Series, Expressway Series, or Crosstown Showdown - this is the best part of baseball season (especially for the Cubs fans, who really don't get to enjoy the postseason).

The all time crosstown series is tied at 33-33 and the Sox are currently enjoying a 3 game win streak dating back to last season.

This season, the Sox are 30-34 (.469) and the Cubs 30-30 (.500)

These games are emotionally draining and can have a powerful effect on the rest of both teams respective seasons. The series has a playoff-like atmosphere and the pressure is intense. Both teams hate each other, both fan bases hate each other and bragging rights will last until next year.

There is a useless poll on ESPN comparing both teams at each position ( As of right now, the Sox are dominating almost every position (as they should be). A few surprises - Konerko over Lee? Lilly over Floyd? - but nothing too crazy.

I'll always remember vending at those games... I'd make around $5.00 because I'd spend the whole time watching (instead of selling). Totally worth it. I'll also remember the vicious anti-Sosa strikeout/steroid/baby dick heckling at Comisky. Real nuggets of wisdom.

Outside of the Barrett/Pierzynski fiasco, does anyone have any great memories?


Friday, June 12, 2009

Sox Finally Win: Brian Anderson Theory Strengthened

I am Batman!

We've previously discussed the phenomenon known as the Brian Anderson effect, and the reality is that while the formula is solid, it is far from perfect. Thankfully, there are people like ME who obsess over all things Brian Anderson and are capable of forgoing human interaction for days in order to nail down the formula.


First, let's start with the basics - Brian Anderson NEEDS to be in the game for the Sox to win games. This is just a fact. The since May 12th, there have been 7 games that Brian Anderson was entirely uninvolved in. The Sox lost all seven of these games. Over the course of the entire season, the Sox are 6-15 when Anderson isn't in the game at all.

But frankly, even when the Sox DO have Anderson in the game, we don't always seem to win. I mean, our team record is a depressing 28-33 - if Anderson has been in 40 games, we should have 40 wins...except that there's just a little more to it than that: Dewayne Wise is the Yang to Brian Anderson's overwhelming Yin.


See, Dewayne Wise has an incredible ability - he can negate the mightiness that is Brian Anderson. First of all, if Dewayne Wise gets two or more AB's, the Sox tend to lose. Since Wise's DL stint, the Sox are 2-6 in games where Wise has 2 ABs or more. To contrast, when Wise has been used as a late replacement or pinch runner, the Sox are an impressive 5-1.

Now, here's the kicker - depending on the order that the two are used, Anderson can cancel out a Dewayne Wise performance. However, there are very specific rules for this to occur. First of all, Brian Anderson doesn't like to work his magic in blowouts - that's just boring. If the Sox are losing 5-0 and Anderson comes in for the 9th, there's only so much he can do. However, if the Sox are tied or losing by 1-3 runs when Anderson comes into the game in the 8th or 9th, the Sox are 3-0.

Essentially, if the Sox want to win they need to:
1. Start Brian Anderson (duh)
2. If they absolutely have to put Dewayne Wise in, keep his at-bats to a minimum.
3. If we're losing late, put in Anderson as a pinch-hitter.

And here's another interesting fact - in games in which we get absolutely annihilated that Anderson plays in (lose by 5 or more runs), Anderson is hitting over .500. Wow.

Another One?

I've fallen and I can't get up!

Pablo Ozuna - known as the sparkplug off the bench, a real hustler, and a high-octane cog in the 2005 Chicago White Sox lineup.

And now?

Another alleged cheater serving a 50-game suspension.

I normally would be really pissed right now, but the allegations are a little farfetched:

"Major League Baseball said he had an elevated ratio of testosterone to epitestosterone, a violation of its drug rules."

So...he's manly? Some people have higher testosterone naturally. In fact, I know some players that need to shoot some sort of insulin directly into their buttocks that helps them cope with their ability to hit home runs and...wait, what? Really? OH COME ON!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

DRose Representing The Dong

(Give it up for the Two Pump Chump!)


Par usual, the mainstream media has taken an innocent (butt)plug for the Dong out of context. Derrick Rose, Bulls basketball star and loyal dong reader, was recently at a party where he was asked who his favorite Dong writer was. Obviously, he said the TPC and threw up his hands to rep his choice. As you can see in this picture he is all about the Dong and wouldn't know a Gangster Disciple if one shot him in the face.

Stop trying to keep the Dong down, we will remain erect and engorged no matter what "the man" throws at us.

Derrick, I love you and appreciate your vote of confidence (not that there is much competition).

Twitter (my balls)

(my balls)

In our glorious crusade aimed at spreading the good word and gospel of The Dong to the masses, we have reached an astounding 1,800 followers on the intertubes Twitter machine .

Obviously, LuolsDong is a an equal opportunity follower and will return the favor to anyone cool enough to follow us in the first place.

Apparently, the evil Twitter gods are attempting to thwart our rise to upper echelon of twitterdom by capping our ability to follow people at 2,000. For those of you who don't use twitter, this is the equivalent of trying to make friends in a pickup game of basketball without being allowed to talk to more than 3 of the 10 guys on the court. You'll probably pick 3 guys on your own team that you kinda know already, and you might end up with 3 better buddies but you'll definitely get 7 guys that think you're an asshole.

In twitter talk, we now have people following the Dong and we are not allowed to follow them back. It's an ugly faux paus (like clicking "I don't know this person" in LinkedIn or de-friending people on Facebook).

Reminds me of an old buddy from overseas:

Too harsh? Absolutely not.


Nobody can tell us who we can and cannot be friends with. This is a free fucking country. If people want to follow the Dong like an erect landmark, guiding them to great Chicago sports coverage and witty anecdotes, then they should at least be allowed to receive our return follow, like feeling the presence of the lord, and be given the honor to bask in our greatness.

I understand that twitter may be trying to curb aggressive marketing tactics, but 1800 of our 2000 follows are people that are already following us!

So here's to you Twitter, you communist nazi bastard. You can try to rubber the dong but our girth cannot be contained.


**Update: Picture of Hitler was removed due to angry bubbie.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Bringing Back The Free Shit

There will be more free shit in the future - this is a known - but what sort of things do you guys want to see? We've had all sorts of shit in the past - DVDs, electronics, and even a special Keggers Outfit.

Tell us what you want to win (realistically, fuckers), and we'll do what we can to make it happen. All we ask in return is that you bring your A-Game when you comment on posts - otherwise that douchebag Raimster is going to win everything like last year.

What do you want to win?

Monday, June 8, 2009

The TPC becomes a man

My best friend, the infamous TPC, got married last night.

It was awesome.

Some highlights from the filthy jew-fest:

Propeller Nami snapped off the helicopter:

Gets funnier every time.

DZ rides the Horse with no hands, muzzle:

I was pretty sure DZ was going to die.

Only for the TPC would the big guy don a Wrigley jersey (although I've got tons of vendor pride). Note - I'm not the dirty mexican on the left...

Grow a goddamn mustache already...

The Mouth does a pretty good Billy Joel:

Pex (aka The Mouth) after a few too many Goose Islands...

On a sidenote, we were honestly REALLY FUCKING CLOSE to renting an actual goat to show up at the wedding. It would have been insane. Instead, we got a Horse, which is never a let down.

Haaaaaaas! (Yes, he was an actual cheerleader)

So, here's to you TPC.

Happy wedding, enjoy the remaining doldrums of married life.

Twitter my balls.



This is funny.

Time For A New Sport

Goddamnit...I thought we were playing Gin!

The White Sox and Cubs do what they can to get us through that May-to-September stretch (footballfootballfootballfootball), but when the Cubs squeak out a victory to move into a tie for 3rd place with the Reds and the Sox can't get the job done, it makes time go even slower. Sure, the Hawks and the Bulls distracted us for a bit in May with unexpected playoff runs, but that really isn't going to happen on regular basis.

It's time for a new sport, and I want it to be XARM.

What's XARM, you ask? It's not a radio station - it's fighting without the waiting. If there's one thing I hate about boxing and UFC, it's that one of the guys can be an absolute pussy and pull out a win at the end via decision. Decisions are for pansies. If you're alive at the end of the fight, you win. No other rules.

Needless to say, XARM takes a step in the right direction by tethering the two fighters together. No more of this "I'm running away in a defensive fashion" bullshit. You are attached to your opponent. As a result, the only stoppage of fighting from the devastating haymakers is when the two guys happen to take a break to breathe simulataneously. Otherwise, there's just a shitload of beat-down.

Just look at this:

Fast-forward to 4:30 if you just want to see the beating.

That...that's beautiful! Two behemoths swinging and kicking and doing everything they can to kill eachother. There's even the comic value of the table sitting in the middle! I want to see a season of XARM kick off in June, and go through August - just long enough to get us to football season, but not to conflict with it. We can get a couple of guys from Chicago, and we're all set.
Who's with me?!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Beckham Begins

Even our prospects have good prospects

Unsurprisingly, the Sox called up Gordon Beckham yesterday, sending Wilson Betemit far far away. This is not really a surprise as Betemit has a 50% fielding percentage. The guy commits more errors than Brian Anderson causes game-winners. That said, GB (as he shall now be known) has a few more hurdles to cross:

Experience: As much hype as there is around Beckham, I think he really DOES need a full season in the minors. There's no substitute for hard-nosed work ethic in the dregs, learning all those little fundamentals that are oh so valuable in MLB.

Josh Fields: As inconsistent as he is, Fields is still the 3B. I expect that Fields will finally make his move over to 1B with Beckham's arrival, but at least on paper, Fields is still the owner of third base. If Beckham doesn't transition well, Fields may be there just by default (Lillibridge? HA!)

He's Not Cuban: You laugh, but there are two kinds of infielders in Ozzie-land: Cuban, and Other. Cuban infielders are forgiven for almost ANYthing in their mechanics. Juan Uribe and Alexei Ramirez both have unorthodox methods of playing the infield, but Ozzie loves it calling them elastic and rugged at their position.

On the flip side, Getz and Nix have done a great job at 2B, and Ozzie is calling for additional improvement. Hell, he even brought up Tadahito Iguchi's mechanics in the same season that he made that ridiculous "diving-over-the-mound" play. Same thing goes for Fields (although he does suck), and Wilson Betemit (also suck). If Beckham wants to succeed, he's going to have to take Ozzie's inevitable criticism in stride and continue to make the big plays.

Godspeed, young GB

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The Gourmet Dong: Maxwell St. Polish & Gyros

Welcome once again to my big greasy Gourmet Dong. We are on a mission to find the best Polish sausage/Italian beef/ bacon cheeseburgers in Chicago, cardiologists be damned. The story behind this week's review begins with me sitting at a shitty laundromat in Rogers Park, washing every god damn thing I own because we had bedbugs in the apartment. As I sat there watching my blankets and pillowcases spin around, and realizing that I just spent $35 in quarters, I shook my fist at the sky and said "God, why have you forsaken me?"  And the big guy answered, "My you will eat a Polish sausage. And then write about it for the Dong."  

At that precise moment, through the rain and my own tears, I looked out the window and saw it: the modestly-named Maxwell Street Polish & Gyros.  The promised land?  Not so fast...

Food: 7. This may not come as a surprise, but I ordered a Polish. It was very good, if not exactly unique. I'm pretty sure that all these Polish/gyro places in Chicago get all their food from some common source, because a lot of their shit tastes exactly the same. The french fries were good too -- some soft, some crunchy, all salty -- but again, I couldn't shake that feeling that I've eaten this stuff before.  "Generic" might be the word I'm looking for

Ambience: 4. This place has a giant, loud-ass TV that is probably showing some network crap at all times. There's about 4 different people working here who all look like that young boy with the firecrackers in Boogie Nights. This is also that restaruant where some really fat trashy woman in a fancy coat walks in, talking all loud, and everyone who works there seems to know her because she eats there every day. I'm not sure if this counts as "ambience" but it definitely made me want to get the fuck out of there.  Also, I'm subtracting points for calling the place "Maxwell Street" when it's nowhere near Maxwell Street.  Maxwell style? Sure. But call it Maxwell street, and I might go back in time and beat the shit out of your parents.  

Service: 6. The whole "ordering" thing isn't very well organized here.  You kind of just order your food from the first guy who looks up at you, and then eventually someone cooks whatever you ordered, brings it to you, and takes your money. This all considered, I did get what I ordered in a reasonable amount of time, and they didn't fuck it up.  

Prices: 7. Just like the food was acceptably pedestrian, the prices were also about average. I think a Polish with fries was about 4 bucks. Nothing to write home about here. 

Total: 6. There is no god.

And remember, kids: If any of you have eaten at any of the places we review, or have anything to add, don't hesitate to post a comment. Thanks for looking at my Dong.

Around the horn

News team, assemble!!

1) Charles Barkley is out of his mind (and totally awesome).

If you haven't seen this clip calling his producer a pussy on live TV yet, you're missing an all-time great highlight.

Is it just me or is Chuck on an awesome-spree since serving time for posession? I love the total disbelief of Kenny and Reggie. "Um, Chuck, I don't think you can do that." 

2) Derrick Rose is (confirmed as) an idiot.

Is anyone really surprised by the news that he cheated on his SAT? I mean, seriously, come on. In an era of cheating at epic proportions, this is like faking sick to stay home from school when you're 9 years old. Nothing to see here, move along.

3) Twitter update: The dong is fully engorged with 1,400 followers. That's a lot of people loving the dong.  And for those people who we follow and don't follow us back, prepare to be dong slapped.


Monday, June 1, 2009

Deadspin Commits Blogicide

As much as we claim to be brilliant, self inspired and otherwise amazing, we do have some humble roots from Deadspin. They have featured our articles in the past, have provided countless voices in their comments, and even spawned sites such as the amazing Kissing Suzy Kolber.

As such, it is with a very heavy heart that I see posts like this, pushing away the remaining members of the crowd in a post-Leitch era. The best content on Deadspin has always been the stories generated by the audience. Sure, you can pull together a staff and try to stay on top of things, but the best way to get information and traffic is from tips and comments.

I don't know whether or not this decision comes from Daulerio or Gawker Media, but I do know that it continues a trend of pushing away other content (Weekly Blogdome has been smashed, linkouts have been kept to a minimum...etc). I fear that this latest step may be the final nail in the coffin.

Thoughts? Post them - unfiltered - in the comments.

Worshipping Brian Anderson

After yesterday's White Sox win, it's time to start looking for an explanation. You know what I mean - the inexplicable "winning" thing that seem to have taken off around, oh, May 19th (incidentally, the day Brian Anderson was activated from the DL...). Okay, we've been over this before, but it needs to be said again: the White Sox are winning because of Brian Anderson. I don't really know how else to explain it - as much as Ozzie wants to keep Anderson in the doghouse (oh, and if you were wondering why Lance Broadway was traded last week, look no further than Ozzie), it cannot be denied that he is our lord and savior.

Just look at these stats from May:

Games Played: 28
Games Played Without Brian Anderson: 16
Games Played With Brian Anderson: 12
Record in Games Without Brian Anderson: 4-12
Record in Games With Brian Anderson: 9-3

That's just all sorts of batshit crazy. Sure, Anderson is actually sort of productive at the moment (hitting .275), and is lightyears better than having Lillibridge start on the roster, but let's be honest here - he's Brian Anderson. He's not going to keep this up (as much as I want him to).

Yesterday's game was a prime example.

The Sox were up against the best pitcher in the AL (Zach Greinke), and were trailing until a mini-rally in the 5th. DeWayne Wise, in his first game back from the DL, did absolutely nothing. The score remained tied until the 9th, when Ozzie finally relented to reason and decided to bring in his best player:

Goddamnit! OK, Fine! I guess I have to put in that douchebag Anderson...

And hey, guess what? Anderson draws a walk in his only at-bat, scores, and facilitates a 3-run 9th inning that blows the game open. Jenks comes on, White Sox win, and Anderson saves the day yet again.

Anyone else a believer in the Cult of Brian Anderson?