Furniture?

Let's talk about kitchen tables for a minute.

I know what you're thinking - "Hey, you guys are a sports blog! In Chicago! And you come back from a hiatus with THIS?!" Yes, you feel somewhat betrayed that despite not posting in weeks, the best I can do is come back to you with a discussion about kitchen tables.

What would you prefer I talk about? That Lou Pinella poisoned his own mother to get out of coaching the Cubs? That the Sox are currently in the midst of a tailspin? That Jay Cutler was voted the QB most likely to get injured due to the awful line and Martz system?

Yeah I didn't think so, so let's talk about kitchen tables instead.

Y'see, the good folks at CSN promotions were kind enough to allow a giveaway. A little "somethin somethin" if you get my drift. They do furniture. They want to give you a coupon for said furniture. As such, I propose a contest to determine who wins.

Send an email to our address (you shouldn't get past this part if you can't figure out how to email us) with which Chicago sports player you would like to eat for breakfast at the kitchen table and why.

Best entry will win. Good luck, and I already call dibs on eating Nancy Faust. She's high in roughage!

Bringing Back The Free Shit

There will be more free shit in the future - this is a known - but what sort of things do you guys want to see? We've had all sorts of shit in the past - DVDs, electronics, and even a special Keggers Outfit.

Tell us what you want to win (realistically, fuckers), and we'll do what we can to make it happen. All we ask in return is that you bring your A-Game when you comment on posts - otherwise that douchebag Raimster is going to win everything like last year.

What do you want to win?

Happy Birthday To Us

Somewhere around this time last year, a stupid idea became a reality, and a really difficult-to-publicize name was attached to a heavily biased blog about Chicago sports. Since we've spent the last year giving you our side of the story, here's a little trip down memory lane.

- Remember where it all started?

- Remember Brad, The TPC, and Bloomerang back when they contributed to the site (and before our Cubs coverage was entirely one-sided)?

- That time we tried to quit abruptly.

- Our various experiments in boredom: Fun with sign generators, and other randomness.

- That time we won an award for best logo (link is apparently busted).

- When Fisting Andrew Golota joined the crew.

- The clusterfuck "Free Shit Month."

- Our logo contest.

- Our first piece of breaking news, and our first article to be linked to by Deadspin.

- The first revelation of Aaron Gray's true identity.

- The still uncompleted mission.

- Former site mainstays "GMOTD" and "WTTHT"

It's been a hell of a year, and hopefully the next year is even better. We really appreciate all of our loyal readers - all two of you. If you've been sticking around and reading us regularly, you've probably developed a tumor in your brain. We're sorry.

As an added bonus on our anniversary, anyone who comments on this post gets a chance to win a free shirt. I'll pick one of the comments at random and send a shirt out, and because I'm a nice guy, you can get your pick of the logo.

Long live the Dong.

Giveaway: Surviving History

We love the History Channel, and the History Channel loves us.

I really can't think of a better DVD set for a Chicago sports fan. This is a 3-disc set discussing all of the older torture/death mechanisms in history. We're talking about the well known historical misery inducers - the guillotine, the iron maiden, and the Cubs. There's also some stranger ones on there, like the Shame Flute. I mean, what the hell is a "shame flute?" Well, if you sucked at your instrument, they made you wear this thing around your neck and then jammed your fingers into it so you couldn't play...and then they heckled you.

When I think of torture, I can't think of a more sympathetic town than Chicago. Barring the Bulls of the Jordan era and the 2005 WS win for the White Sox, the last 50 years have been pretty bad around here. The Hawks haven't won it all since Wirtz took over (and subsequently died), the Bulls haven't come close since Jordan left, and so on.

Worst of all, each one of the Chicago team leads you into believing that, OK, maybe THIS is the year we can get something done. And then they choke (see: Cubs, Fire, soon-to-be Bears). Needless to say, these DVDs understand your pain, and can give you other ways to wish for death aside from living here.

TO WIN: Tell us your most torturous moment being a Chicago sports fan. Comment on this post, or E-Mail your entries to GepettoZHog@gmail.com. Winners will be announced later this week.

Dong And Pony Show Contest 1: Dong The Bounty Hunter

Brought to you by the letters A and E.

Welcome to Round 1 of the Dong and Pony Show! For those of you that have no idea what's going on, you might want to reference this post. Remember - if you don't win this time, we've got a bunch more coming this month!

To kick off our Free Shit Month of Dong and Pony Show shenanigans, we have Dog the Bounty Hunter. I don't really get what makes Dog so special - he's really just some guy with bad hair and a gun. Hasn't anybody ever been to a baseball game in Chicago? We've got TONS of these guys!

Anyways, most episodes involve Dog (AKA "Duane") doing "research" on some sort of community menace, chasing down said menace in a footchase using force, and then preaching to them about Jesus for 30 minutes. It's essentially the formula on how to get more people to go to Church - sure, you keep the main message, but why not throw in some guns and mullets?

Dog travels with his crew of Unattractive Woman, Slightly More Attractive Woman, Hillbilly, Redneck and Other Guy as they track down evildoers who somehow escape the law. Kinda like Batman, but with guns. Man, now I kinda wanna watch it...

TO WIN: Send us your own crew of Chicago sports miscreants that you would choose to be on your Dog Squad, and why. Remember - your answers can be completely retarded as long as they're funny. Post or E-Mail your answers by WEDNESDAY at midnight - winners will be announced Thursday afternoon.

WINNERS: A "Dog the Bounty Hunter: Best of Season 4" DVD, and raffle ticket for Dong and Pony Show grand prize (to be announced later this month)

RUNNER UPS: Raffle ticket for Dong and Pony Show grand prize (to be announced later this month)

REMEMBER: Tell your friends - the better the reader response is to this giveaway, the more likely it is that we can do more stuff like it!

Free Shit MONTH

Making all your wishes come true since 2007!

Well, we promised free shit this week, but I wasn't expecting to have NEARLY this much stuff to give away. As a result - September shall heretofore be known as FREE SHIT MONTH. We will be doing contests to give away DVD's from our good friends at A&E and the History channel (not copies for once, but we don't really care what you do when you get them), some electronics from Microsoft (thanks guys - now fix my computer), random shit from other various sources (read: dumpster), and of course, our own personal Luol's Dong Schwag (wear it proud).

Contest rules and guidelines will accompany each giveaway post. Look for posts marked DONG AND PONY SHOW for your chance to score some free shit. We'll be doing it all month, so if you don't win once...odds are you're really not all that clever or funny and the odds of you winning are severely diminished.

Stay tuned!

(PBF rules)

Free Shit Inbound

My inability to use spell check aside, it seems that Luol's Dong is going to be getting some freebies to hand out for you lucky readers! After our latest resurrection, we garnered some huge headlines (Dong Refuses to Stay Flaccid, Dong is Ready for Action) and were given a chance to give the readers some free crap. These range from DVDs of things that you may actually watch on your own time to, well, general "Free Shit."

Keep your eyes peeled for details, as we're going to be running a series of contests to get rid of all of this stuff. The first of many "Dong and Pony Show" contests will occur sometime this week to determine the first batch of winners.

Stay tuned.

UPDATE: And by "this week," I mean after Labor Day. Makes getting shipping done right a bitch.