MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

Luol Deng on Luol's Dong

It seemed like it was never going to happen, but today was the day, ladies and gentlemen. Luol Deng has signed Luol's Dong. As I expect to be struck down by a lawsuit within the next 72 hours (hey WTTW, we're also defacing Bozo the Clown's likeness on our t-shirts as well - two for one on lawsuits!), it's best to get all of this amazingness out in the open right now.

The day started innocently enough - due to some amazing timing and the incredible help of reader/slave Joseph, we were granted access to the Bulls' autograph session and open practice. The beginning of the day started with Benny the Bull and his best Whitesnake impression (although I didn't catch it on film, he did definitely spread eagle on that van).



Once we got inside, it was a mad dash for Luol Deng. I mean, this guy is CLEARLY the most popular player on a Bulls team that just got Carlos Boozer and already has big names like Joakim Noah and Derrick Rose - it's no wonder that there would be a huge line for Deng (note - it took us approximately 30 seconds from entry to get to Deng's table, and another 2 minutes to get to the front of the line. Sad).

This, ladies and gentlemen, is history:

But wait! How do we know Luol Deng can actually read?! I mean, sure, he went to Duke, but as long as you're either a basketball player or a rapist, you can make it there (note to Duke: want to make it three lawsuits? The more the merrier!). Obviously, this was going to require a little more work.

Next was John Lucas III and Kyle Weaver:

There was only one other signature on that shirt - of COURSE we got Luol to sign it! What, you think that we just wanted to get more autographs and made a dash to the shortest line (note: sorry guys, but you just don't have as much draw as looking at Boozer's fucked up hand - longest line on the 300 level).

But wait, what about the new guys? People that may not be familiar with the Dong need to be initiated proper, and so we go to Brian Scalabrine and Roger Powell:

As Scalabrine says, "That's Terrible." I mean, it's perfectly fine to do an autograph session for courtside tickets and deal with "autograph saturation", but COME ON. I love how he says he's not going to sign it, and then after a headshake, signs it anyways. Love it.

Powell's Signature - GOD BLESS!

By the time we finished with Scalabrine, there would be no more time for autographs...so we did the next best thing and talked to some ushers. There's so much love here...

Yeah, that whole reading thing is hard. Obviously. Here are a few other reactions from the finest folks at the UC:

"Do you guys have business cards?" (Yes, he really asked this)

Proud fans

Clamor and commotion over the Dong

Luol's Dong? I dunno who it is.

So what's the moral here? If you're a new Dong reader, the point is this: we have accomplished what we set out to do. If lawsuits come to destroy us before we can send out T-Shirts to Scalabrine and friends, then so be it. We came, we saw, we were retarded. Vini vidi vitard.

Happy Birthday To Us

Somewhere around this time last year, a stupid idea became a reality, and a really difficult-to-publicize name was attached to a heavily biased blog about Chicago sports. Since we've spent the last year giving you our side of the story, here's a little trip down memory lane.

- Remember where it all started?

- Remember Brad, The TPC, and Bloomerang back when they contributed to the site (and before our Cubs coverage was entirely one-sided)?

- That time we tried to quit abruptly.

- Our various experiments in boredom: Fun with sign generators, and other randomness.

- That time we won an award for best logo (link is apparently busted).

- When Fisting Andrew Golota joined the crew.

- The clusterfuck "Free Shit Month."

- Our logo contest.

- Our first piece of breaking news, and our first article to be linked to by Deadspin.

- The first revelation of Aaron Gray's true identity.

- The still uncompleted mission.

- Former site mainstays "GMOTD" and "WTTHT"

It's been a hell of a year, and hopefully the next year is even better. We really appreciate all of our loyal readers - all two of you. If you've been sticking around and reading us regularly, you've probably developed a tumor in your brain. We're sorry.

As an added bonus on our anniversary, anyone who comments on this post gets a chance to win a free shirt. I'll pick one of the comments at random and send a shirt out, and because I'm a nice guy, you can get your pick of the logo.

Long live the Dong.

Doing in Distress

You can achieve that same effect with loved ones with a well-timed Dutch Oven

As you may (or may not) have noticed, the Dong has been a little barren as of late. As the de-facto leader and majority poster, it's my responsibility to keep you busy with the latest and greatest Chicago Sports News.

Unfortunately, a change in employment has seen my time ultimately consumed -- and in a place with monitored internet to boot! As such, I'm finding it extremely taxing to create one post a day, if that (see: yesterday).

I don't want to say this is the end of the Dong -- we worked too hard to bring you some of the best the web has to offer. As it stands, we just don't have the manpower to bring you the entertainment you deserve. From here on out, we're looking at maybe one post a day, if that. It's that bad.

Tell us what you want to see, and we shall listen. Otherwise, this may be the end of Luol's Phallic Providence as we know it.

Dumb Things About Chicago: The Chair

Oh, well THAT makes it okay -- asshole.

I'm taking Fisting Andrew Golota's role here, but we all need to bitch sometimes. In Chicago, there is some sort of unspoken rule that leaving a lawn chair in the middle of the street entitles you to physical property. I don't know where this idea came from exactly (*cough* Wrigleyville *cough*), but it needs to stop.

For the uninitiated, this practice involves shoveling out a parking spot (or waiting for a plow to do it), and then planting a lawn chair there. This somehow magically entitles you to that parking space for the rest of the winter, and no one can take it from you as long as the chair is there.

Fuck you, guy with the chairs.

There's no reason you can't hunt for parking like the rest of us. It's not like I put spike strips in front of my apartment to keep someone else from parking there. If you want a reward for shoveling out a space exactly three hours before the truck plows it, PUT YOUR CAR THERE. Isn't that reward enough? If you need your own personal spot, GET A GARAGE. Hell, if you're desperate, I can break your legs and you can appeal for a handicapped spot on the street (because my block REALLY needs more of those).

Not only that, but 90% of you didn't do a single thing to earn that spot. The city plowed the street, you went down into the basement, pulled out a lawn chair, and planted it there. This isn't some Lewis and Clark expedition bullshit -- that's city property. Were you one of those people that licked things whenever they didn't want anyone else to touch them? What if I went into your backyard and planted a giant "Luol's Dong" flag on your lawn? Does that make the lawn mine? I saw it first! Grow up.

Also, what on earth is to stop me from simply tossing your chair over into the snow? If you can get out to move it, SO CAN I. It's not like the chair-based version of Excalibur or something: it's a 3-lb plastic lawn chair. I could probably run the damned thing over without even taking a scratch. As for the guy in the picture above (who DELIBERATELY PILED SNOW ON HIS CHAIR TO MAKE IT HARDER TO MOVE), what the fuck is your problem!? Not only are you making it a bitch for you to move your OWN damned chair, but it makes it more annoying for the rest of us to toss your chair aside like you were going to do ANYWAYS! Do you think it's somehow going to be harder for us to move the chair, but miraculously easier for you to park there?

So for all you readers in Chicago, I implore you -- throw a lawn chair for me. I don't care if you want to park there or not. Just grab one off of the street and toss it back onto someone's grass. Better still, if you feel like having some fun, find a spot marked off with a lawn chair, and fill it with objects that are difficult to move. If that guy is willing to move a fridge, three oak cabinets and a lawn chair every day, then he earns that spot every day by being the only person willing to put up with that shit.

If I can't park there, then no one can.