Saturday, February 9, 2008

Dumb Things About Chicago: The Chair

Oh, well THAT makes it okay -- asshole.

I'm taking Fisting Andrew Golota's role here, but we all need to bitch sometimes. In Chicago, there is some sort of unspoken rule that leaving a lawn chair in the middle of the street entitles you to physical property. I don't know where this idea came from exactly (*cough* Wrigleyville *cough*), but it needs to stop.

For the uninitiated, this practice involves shoveling out a parking spot (or waiting for a plow to do it), and then planting a lawn chair there. This somehow magically entitles you to that parking space for the rest of the winter, and no one can take it from you as long as the chair is there.

Fuck you, guy with the chairs.

There's no reason you can't hunt for parking like the rest of us. It's not like I put spike strips in front of my apartment to keep someone else from parking there. If you want a reward for shoveling out a space exactly three hours before the truck plows it, PUT YOUR CAR THERE. Isn't that reward enough? If you need your own personal spot, GET A GARAGE. Hell, if you're desperate, I can break your legs and you can appeal for a handicapped spot on the street (because my block REALLY needs more of those).

Not only that, but 90% of you didn't do a single thing to earn that spot. The city plowed the street, you went down into the basement, pulled out a lawn chair, and planted it there. This isn't some Lewis and Clark expedition bullshit -- that's city property. Were you one of those people that licked things whenever they didn't want anyone else to touch them? What if I went into your backyard and planted a giant "Luol's Dong" flag on your lawn? Does that make the lawn mine? I saw it first! Grow up.

Also, what on earth is to stop me from simply tossing your chair over into the snow? If you can get out to move it, SO CAN I. It's not like the chair-based version of Excalibur or something: it's a 3-lb plastic lawn chair. I could probably run the damned thing over without even taking a scratch. As for the guy in the picture above (who DELIBERATELY PILED SNOW ON HIS CHAIR TO MAKE IT HARDER TO MOVE), what the fuck is your problem!? Not only are you making it a bitch for you to move your OWN damned chair, but it makes it more annoying for the rest of us to toss your chair aside like you were going to do ANYWAYS! Do you think it's somehow going to be harder for us to move the chair, but miraculously easier for you to park there?

So for all you readers in Chicago, I implore you -- throw a lawn chair for me. I don't care if you want to park there or not. Just grab one off of the street and toss it back onto someone's grass. Better still, if you feel like having some fun, find a spot marked off with a lawn chair, and fill it with objects that are difficult to move. If that guy is willing to move a fridge, three oak cabinets and a lawn chair every day, then he earns that spot every day by being the only person willing to put up with that shit.

If I can't park there, then no one can.

4 comments:

Fisting Andrew Golota said...

Eh...you're a big baby. If I shovel out a spot, hell yeah I'm saving it -- and if some other dude tries to take it, hell yeah I'm going to key his car (or worse).

I thought writing about non-sports shit was my job. You're taking all my material.

Joseph said...

what the hell gives anyone the right to place down a plastic lawn chair and claim that area for themselves. city streets are public property what makes anyone think that a lawn chair (even with a typed up sign affixed to it) is going to prevent anyone from picking it up and moving it to park there own car. if i get home and there are no spots except for one being occupied by a piece of non-motorized plastic with four legs instead of four wheels im sure as hell going to toss it to the side and park my car there (and then keep the chair only if its in good condition). where i come from (NYC)putting furniture on the street is a donation to the local charity or garbage not a symbol of asphalt conquering, no way would this thing fly. and for the argument that if u spend the time shoveling it becomes yours --- no it doesnt!!! do u own the street last??? i checked the city does so unless u purchase it you are only doing the next guy a favor by leaving a cleaned out spot to park in otherwise u are donating a chair to the local salvation army. and to those people that place there entire patio furniture out wouldnt it be more cost effective to have a garage sale and at least make some money???

stalkingerinandrews said...

Can I buy a giant Luol's Dong flag?

Gepetto said...

I don't think we sell one. We should talk to our supplier.

Well, that, and then there's the logistics of getting a 30ft flag in the shape of Luol's Dong.

One step at a time.