Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Grudge Match Of The Damned

Now with 75% more dead competitors!

Last Week's Results: Learning from last time, Pulaski used a cup to cover his Achilles Testicle, and trounced Geraci handily.

That said, let us welcome THE CHICAGO GRUDGE MATCH OF THE DAMNED!

Challenger: Ronnie Wickers AKA Ronnie "Woo Woo" AKA "Shut The Fuck Up You Hobo!"

Bio:
Coming from an abusive household, Wickers first began "woo-ing" at Cubs games in either 1958 or 1959. He has since become an icon at Wrigley and has yet to shut up.

Interesting Fact: Since his official unemployment around 1990, Wickers has made most of his money washing windows in the Wrigleyville area.

Strengths: Mono-syllabic words, vocally directing traffic, washing windows. Has advanced knowledge of "The Hobo Code."

Weaknesses: Silence, thoughtful conversation, bathing, and the occasional noise citation. Actually being forced to watch the Cubs play.

Wow: In 2005, filmmaker Paul Hoffman made a documentary about Wickers, called WooLife. Wow.

Battle Cry: "_____, woo!"



Defending Champ: Andrew Rozdilsky, Jr. AKA "Andy The Clown." AKA "Bring it, you pansy."

Bio:
Talk about a fighting background: Andy came from a family of undertakers, and spent some time in the army before his first Sox game in 1960. He came dressed as a clown on a whim, and was so encouraged by the fans that he became "Andy The Clown." He died in 1995.

Interesting Facts: Installed a bulb into his big red nose so that it would light up whenever he shook hands with a child. Also attended a game less than an hour after being in the hospital for a bleeding ulcer. Total badass.

Strengths: Polka-dots, cheering slowly, and accepting money from fans. Likes Zenith TVs. Could easily take Southpaw and Waldo the Wolf in a cage match.

Weaknesses:
Ribbie and Roobarb, Jerry Reinsdorf and Eddie Einhorn. Also not a big fan of life-ending heart attacks.

Wow: At an exhibition game in August 1981 against the Cubs; he sat down in Mayor Jane Byrne's lap, lit up his nose, turned to her husband and said, "Jay, your wife is turning me on."

Battle Cry: "Goooo Yoouuuu Whiiiiite Sooooox"

Vote for your winner in the comments!

5 comments:

Keggers said...

Fuck, WOO, Ronnie, WOO, Woo, WOO!

stalkingerinandrews said...

Well, let's see, on one side, you've got a dead guy. On the other side, you've got a guy I wish was dead. Hmmm, I guess I go with Andy the Clown, since he has achieved a status that I can only wish on Ronnie "Woo Woo."

Gepetto said...

Is there a single person that likes Woo Woo? He's getting absolutely mauled in the voting (you know who I picked to win, of course).

I wonder if Andy could shoot laser beams out of his nose like Rudolph...

Dr. C said...

I would much rather have Waldo the Wolf then Southpaw, especially as a former member of the Silver and Black Pack...Fuck Woo Woo

Trogdor said...

Whoever voted for Ronnie Woo Woo should me made to stand next to him for 15 minutes. I'll assure you they'll never want anything to do with him ever again.

As a loyal Cubs fan and Lakeview resident for over 15 years, I tell you I CANNOT STAND that man. Clown's scare me, but this one's got moxie. The clown get's my vote.