Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Grudge Match of the Damned: "Too Soon" Edition

Fire and brimstone, bitches

Last Week's Results: Jerry Springer uses his powers as a white male in a racist elitist world to overcome the black woman. Or, he rips her fucking head off. I haven't decided.

That said, let us welcome the CHICAGO GRUDGE MATCH OF THE DAMNED!

Challenger: Steve Fossett

Bio: Born in 1944, Fossett made millions in the "financial services" industry and has one of his many homes in Chicago. He also held an office here until 2006 even though he had closed down all of his other offices earlier. Oh, and I think he was declared legally dead this week. Yep.

Interesting Fact: Set 116 different records in five different sports. 60 still stand. None of them involved Curling.

Strengths: Mountain climbing, Skiing, Sailing, balloons, aviation, and endurance events. Also enjoys being filthy rich. Actually, none of those are pussy sports. Way to go, Steve.

Weaknesses: Cook County Circuit Judge Jeffrey Malak, Civil Air Patrol, single-engine Bellanca Super Decathlon airplanes, and "The Flying-M Ranch." Has been missing long enough to be declared legally dead.

His real name is James. Wow.

Defending Champion: Amelia Earhart AKA "I don't look half bad for a dead chick"

Bio: Born in 1897, Earhart worked in a hospital and contracted pneumonia. She suffered from chronic sinusitis (is that really a disease?) for the rest of her life. Amelia also went to school in Chicago. She is best known for being yet another lousy female driver.

Interesting Fact: Went on the ill-fated flight with Fred Noonan, but no one talks about him at all. Sucks to be Fred.

Strengths: Flying solo over the Atlantic. Sinusitis, inventing diseases to sound cool. Giving feminists ammunition.

Weaknesses: Applying makeup while flying, talking about latest episode of Grey's Anatomy instead of checking the weather implements. Refusing to use Morse Code to call for help for fear of breaking a nail.

Was called "Lady Lindy" much like how Charles Lindbergh was called "Lucky Lindy." Wow.

Vote for your winner in the comments!

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