Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Grudge Match of the Damned

Both living, but I'm pretty sure at least one is going to Hell

Last Week's Results: In what is the biggest slaughter yet, Woo-Woo is killed by the citizens of Chicago before the fight even begins. I had no idea that Cubs fans hated him just as much as the rest of the city.

That said, let us welcome THE CHICAGO GRUDGE MATCH OF THE DAMNED!

Challenger: Jerry Springer AKA "Damn it, I'll tell you when I've had enough!"

Bio: Born on Feb 13, 1944 in London, Springer went to Northwestern to become a campaign aid to Robert Kennedy. After Kennedy's death, Springer got elected to Cincinnati city council (say that 10 times fast), but was forced to resign in 1974 after admitting to hiring a prostitute. After realizing the power of prostitution, Springer became the host of the best prostitution show on television: The Jerry Springer Show.

Interesting Fact: Was rumored to have had sex with porn star Kendra Jade in 1998 with Kelly (her mother) in the room. Both appeared on the show with porn director John Bowen the next day -- this apparently let to his divorce.

Strengths: Screwing Phil Donahue, watching others screw. Calmly watching others writhe in agony. Slowly fading into obscurity.

Weaknesses:
Needs to have the final word of every conversation, cannot tolerate clean-cut average people. Censorship. Has trouble keeping prostitutes quiet.

Wow:
There's actually an Opera about Jerry Springer that just debuted. Wow.


Defending Champ: Oprah Winfrey AKA "Who do you have to screw to get some fucking Funyons around here?!"

Bio:
Born in 1954, Oprah had a lousy childhood...blah blah blah. Anyways, she went to work in Nashville as the youngest ever news anchor, and then relocated to Chicago to host "AM Chicago." It would later become the Oprah Winfrey Show in 1986. Oh, and I think she was black or something.

Interesting Fact: Actual name is Orpah, not Oprah. Her name was mispronounced growing up, so she changed it to match -- except on her birth certificate. It's also possible that the real Oprah was killed during this show a few years ago, forcing her evil twin Orpah to take over (shave the goatee, and you'd never know).

Strengths: Playing the race card, voting for Obama, tearing "A Million Little Pieces" into shreds. Money. Is arguably the most influential woman in the world that you aren't interested in.

Weaknesses:
Keeping Dr. Phil in line, making any movie. Seriously -- stop making movies. Also has trouble hiding her lesbian relationship with Gayle King.

Wow:
Voiced "Gussie the goose" in the 2006 film "Charlotte's Web." Wow.



Vote for your winner in the comments!

3 comments:

Trogdor said...

Think about it, Orpah has enough money to hire a small army to take out anyone in her path. This army would also be better equipped than the troops we currently have in the desert. Anyone want to fuck with that? I wouldn't. My vote goes to Orpah.

stalkingerinandrews said...

Yeah, I agree with trogdor, I gotta go with Orpah, er Oprah, too. Plus Jerry lost his bodyguard, Steve, to his own talk show. Is that technically a spin-off?

Fisting Andrew Golota said...

Wow...I just got the weirdest feeling of deja vu. Wasn't Oprah on this site once before? Yeah she was! Just last week!! Gosh, I wonder who wrote that...oh wait a minute IT WAS ME!!!

For an alleged sports fan, you seem to enjoy daytime TV more.