Grudge Match of the Damned

Both living, but I'm pretty sure at least one is going to Hell

Last Week's Results: In what is the biggest slaughter yet, Woo-Woo is killed by the citizens of Chicago before the fight even begins. I had no idea that Cubs fans hated him just as much as the rest of the city.

That said, let us welcome THE CHICAGO GRUDGE MATCH OF THE DAMNED!

Challenger: Jerry Springer AKA "Damn it, I'll tell you when I've had enough!"

Bio: Born on Feb 13, 1944 in London, Springer went to Northwestern to become a campaign aid to Robert Kennedy. After Kennedy's death, Springer got elected to Cincinnati city council (say that 10 times fast), but was forced to resign in 1974 after admitting to hiring a prostitute. After realizing the power of prostitution, Springer became the host of the best prostitution show on television: The Jerry Springer Show.

Interesting Fact: Was rumored to have had sex with porn star Kendra Jade in 1998 with Kelly (her mother) in the room. Both appeared on the show with porn director John Bowen the next day -- this apparently let to his divorce.

Strengths: Screwing Phil Donahue, watching others screw. Calmly watching others writhe in agony. Slowly fading into obscurity.

Weaknesses: Needs to have the final word of every conversation, cannot tolerate clean-cut average people. Censorship. Has trouble keeping prostitutes quiet.

Wow: There's actually an Opera about Jerry Springer that just debuted. Wow.

Defending Champ: Oprah Winfrey AKA "Who do you have to screw to get some fucking Funyons around here?!"

Bio: Born in 1954, Oprah had a lousy childhood...blah blah blah. Anyways, she went to work in Nashville as the youngest ever news anchor, and then relocated to Chicago to host "AM Chicago." It would later become the Oprah Winfrey Show in 1986. Oh, and I think she was black or something.

Interesting Fact: Actual name is Orpah, not Oprah. Her name was mispronounced growing up, so she changed it to match -- except on her birth certificate. It's also possible that the real Oprah was killed during this show a few years ago, forcing her evil twin Orpah to take over (shave the goatee, and you'd never know).

Strengths: Playing the race card, voting for Obama, tearing "A Million Little Pieces" into shreds. Money. Is arguably the most influential woman in the world that you aren't interested in.

Weaknesses: Keeping Dr. Phil in line, making any movie. Seriously -- stop making movies. Also has trouble hiding her lesbian relationship with Gayle King.

Wow: Voiced "Gussie the goose" in the 2006 film "Charlotte's Web." Wow.



Vote for your winner in the comments!

Another Lesson In Violence

As you might expect, I’m not going to say anything about sports in here. Yeah, the Super Bowl, blah blah…but the Oakland Raiders aren’t in it, so I don’t fucking care. However, this is a Chicago sports site, and so I’d like to say something relating to our fine city.

I'm getting real fuckin' tired of this Oprah Winfrey lady.

Who the hell is still watching this garbage? I’m sure everyone’s pretty familiar with the show, so I’m not gonna get too far into it. Here’s the gist of it: Every day Oprah goes on TV and talks to some other idiot (usually a politician, lesbian, or sometimes both) about how interesting their life is. After that, I’m pretty sure she talks about books, or cooking, or double-ended dildos or something. Then she usually gives away a bunch of stuff to whoever is in the audience that day. Brilliant, right? Basically, it’s the kind of shit that’s only tolerable if you’re home all day and really really bored. Come to think of it, Gepetto probably watches this show.

So, you ask, why the big problem with the O? Is it the fact she has more money than you’ll ever see, and makes sure to shove it up your ass every episode? Could it be because that Stedman guy seems like a complete scumbag? Is it because she mistook one of my friends for a girl during a live taping back in the ‘90s? Or maybe it’s just because The Color Purple really fucking sucked?

Mostly, it’s because I don’t see the big deal. It’s not that hard to get up on a soapbox and talk a bunch of bullshit, and get people to pay attention to you. In fact, that’s exactly what I’m doing right now.

I do appreciate her contributions to charity, however. In fact – a portion of the proceeds from every Luol’s Dong T-shirt sold today will go to charity. Specifically, the “Buy Me More Guitars And Red Meat Memorial Fund.” Order yours today, and feel better about yourself.

It’s what Oprah would want.