Wednesday, February 6, 2008

The President of Sports

As we are in the midst of election season and are subjected to countless debates and articles about the politicians, I couldn't help myself but think that none of this years candidates speak to me. They are constantly blabbering about the war in Iraq, the recession, medicare, medicaid and so on and so so forth, without even mentioning the one issue that resonates with me: sports. I mean, where is the uproar about the dysfunctional BCS system or the fact that there is an extra media week before the superbowl? As I continued to contemplate this American tragedy, I came up with an idea:

There should be a President of Sports.

Yes, my friends, just think of it -- someone whom the "citizens" vote for that will uphold all of those things we hold near and dear to our heart. How much would you love to see a debate on the merits of Yahoo! vs. ESPN fantasy leagues? What about campaigning to abolish the ridiculous last call rule at sporting events (that bill would kill at Wrigley)? There are countless issues to tackle and no one to address them. The commissioners of the individual leagues are too busy sucking the dicks of the other owners and couldn't care less about the fans. I would love to see a platform include a tax break for season ticket holders and food stamps only redeemable at ball games. This would not only be good for sports would be good for America.

In order to complete this dream, we need someone with a little know how some elbow grease and the will to lead. Fellow Americans, there is only person fit for this position and I think you know who it is.

Da Coach.

Is there anyone with a bigger sack or an "I couldn't give a shit what you think" attitude than our very own Ditka? Now more than ever to keep America safe, I appeal to you coach -- please accept my nomination.

"This cigar tastes like pussy, Damn its good to be President"

Now I know some of you are thinking, "but TPC, how can you guarantee that this president of sports will be effective and honest?" For that, my friends, I quote one of the greatest American thinkers of our generation, Chris Farley. In his epic movie Tommy Boy he prophetically addressed this issue when he spoke about the nature of guarantees:

"But why do they put a guarantee on the box?"

"Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me."

In other words, for your sons sake for your grandfathers sake, don't be a douche.

Elect Ditka in 08'.


Keggers said...

He's got my vote.

There should be a sports rep from each state, Ditka would preside over the congress of sports fans.

This needs to happen.

Gepetto said...

Ditka might have some stiff competition -- I hear that Yogi Berra and Bill Parcells have both entered the running.