Thursday, February 28, 2008

Things To Do Until Baseball Season

Let's face it -- we're at the point of no return. There's about 30 days -- 30 painful, miserable days -- left before baseball season starts. There's no easy way around it: 30 days is a long time. Here are 30 things that might be able to keep you busy enough to survive until opening day:

#1. Package yourself into a crate and mail yourself to spring training. Hey, it worked for this guy (well, temporarily).

#2. Invent a new MLB statistic and research it. If they can make up VORP, I'd like to see them stop my creation of MSPIP (Mullets Seen Per Inning Pitched).

#3. Go visit your local science or architecture-based museum and complain about their lack of an adequate baseball exhibit.

#4. Take up college basketball. Yeah, I know it sucks, but we need SOMETHING to bet on.

#5. Write a letter to Darren McFadden claiming to be one of his children. If you play this right, you could take up all 30 days AND make some cash.

#6. Send some cell-phone pics to Sean Salisbury. Clothes optional.

#7. Play the extra $348,500 a year to your local cable overlord provider to watch the six spring training games your team televises. It DOES pass the time.

#8. Go to your team's ballpark and start camping out near the ticketbooth. You're going to be first in line, just like that guy at the Star Wars movies who complained the whole time. Depending on your team, it will likely be a similar experience.

#9. Grow a goatee, shave your head and work parties as Billy Koch. Horrific skin condition aside, you should be passable.

#10. Sail 3/8ths of the way around the world. Depending on which direction you go, this could be the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, somewhere in Asia, or if you're a complete moron, Venezuela. This would be a different story if we had 80 days before baseball, but only because I might have killed myself.

#11. Spend all 30 days laboriously perfecting time machine only to finish in the 2nd inning of opening day. Damn it.

#12. Freeze yourself in a block of ice, enlisting an 8-year old boy to wake you up when the 30 days have passed. Oh, wait. Nevermind.

#13. Create a coalition for a majority bid to buy the naming rights to Wrigley Field. Nothing says baseball like "Kotex Field."

#14. Track down Bud Selig and give him your lunch money. He was going to get it eventually -- might as well get it out of the way.

#15. Take up a sudden interest in the NHL. It worked for Pittsburgh, didn't it?

#16. Go to your team's message board and post your idea of a "fair trade" every day up until Opening Day, each more ridiculous than the last.

#17. Track down the asshole that does #16 and give him a beatdown for me. I fucking hate it when people do that.

#18. Go partying with Kyle Orton. This may take longer than 30 days, but it'll be well worth it.

#19. Contact Jose Canseco with "insider information." This should make the next 30 days very interesting.

#20. Write Frank Thomas an apology note for ignoring that he is the best non-roids hitter of the 1990's. Take him out to a nice dinner, maybe.

#21. Stalk David Beckham. Hey -- everyone else is doing it.

#22. Practice your Japanese to greet Kosuke Fukudome with an accurate "Good Morning! I Am A Badass" ("Ohio-Gozaimasu. Boku Ga Warui") so he will TOTALLY want to associate with you after that.

#23. Feed John Madden. Didn't you ever wonder what happened to Pat Summerall? The offseason. That's what.

#24. Track down Mo Vaughn and call him fat. Someone's gotta do it.

#25. Shave Baron Davis. This may take 30 days.

#26. Get to know your Chicago Matadors.

#27. Pronounce the name Zydrunas Ilgauskas correctly. May also take 30 days.

#28. Watch the first two "Major League" movies (not that shitpile Major League: Back to the Minors), and then send Bob Uecker a bottle of scotch. He's earned it. Then go watch some other classics like Bull Durham and The Natural. Then complain that your team doesn't have an endearing sports movie.

#29. Prepare a feast to commemorate the Cubs' 100th year without a world series title. Make plans to get humble pie. ashes, hardboiled eggs, saltwater, Moises Alou lemonade, and LaTroy Hawkins as a guest speaker. No matter how long this takes to plan, it will be worth it.

#30. Make a really long list on your website that no one reads. Oh wait.


stalkingerinandrews said...

...complain that your team doesn't have an endearing sports movie.

White Sox - Major League I like seeing the Sox as a bunch of bad-assed assholes.

Cubs - Rookie of the Year Mark Prior only wishes.

Cubs Honorable Mention - "This Old Cub" "Gawd, Grandma, why would I want to watch a documentary on Ron Santo?"

Gepetto said...

The Sox are the villain in almost every movie appearance. Just once, let them root for us and not Parkman King against Charlie Sheen.