T-Shirt Winner

Hey StalkingErinAndrews - E-Mail us your address and shirt size so we can send you something you'll never be able to wear in public.

Thanks,
The Management

Dong and Pony Show Contest 4: HDMI Cable

Dong And Pony Show Contest 4!

Hey, look at you with your fancy HDTV and BluRay player. Got yourself a real sweet setup with that 7.1 surround sound for all those great HD NFL games, huh? You think you're better than the rest of us? DO YOU!?

Well, maybe. But even so, continuing Free Shit Month, we have this lovely HDMI cable to give away. It's a 6' cable from Monster - good for all those marathons of the Gilmore Girls or whatever the hell you guys watch. Damned if I know. Hook together your XBOX 360/BluRay Player/HD DVD Player (HA!), sound system, and HDTV in one glorious package that will surely have your neighbors trying to steal your entertainment system while you're out shopping.

Still, 6' is kinda short. Don't really know what you'd do with a really complex setup (totally going to rob you later), but that's not really my problem, is it?

TO WIN: Tell us your favorite diminutive athlete! Short, stout or just plain tiny, I don't care. Make it good.

WINNERS: Have an HDMI cable and a Luol's Dong Grand Prize Raffle Ticket!

RUNNERS UP: Have a Raffle Ticket

All entries can be posted here, or sent to GepettoZHog@gmail.com. Winners will be announced sometime this week, so get crackin'!

Dong and Pony Show Contest 3: Winners

Solid entries for Contest 3 - there's another one coming tomorrow, so stay tuned.

RUNNER UP: The TPC with this accurate (if not somewhat insighful) entry:

In light of last weeks great performance by Matt Forte, I have settled on a choice.

The most underappreciated Chicago sports athlete especially in my lifetime is Neal Anderson.

Lets think about it, he is the back up of Walter Payton and then is his successor, easily the most beloved bear of all time. The pressure following Paytons exit was enormous, fill the shoes of the best running back of all time. Neal Anderson did just that. He was selected to four pro bowls rushed for over 1000 yards in three seasons. Not to mention, he didnt bitch or moan and actually carried some pretty bad teams.

Finally, the guy is fucking awesome in Super Tecmo Bowl (the greatest video game ever)and actually makes the Bears a decent team to play with. For that reason he is my choice and I dare anyone to fight me on it.

Ps
You can just send me the ipod converter now as no one can contend with me! (Ed's Note: So close, buddy. So close).

WINNER: Raimster. Again. Further proof that your answers don't need to be good so much as that you have to be out of your fucking mind to win. Somebody stop this guy:

Maybe it's the 74 years since his last carry. Maybe it's his mere 32 touchdowns in the pros. Maybe we get distracted when we hear his moniker and suddenly start to think of that awful X-Men sequel.

Whatever the reason, Red 'Iceman' Grange is the duckbutter of football: we don't notice it until it's pointed out and once it's pointed out, we can't help but revel in its aesthetic beauty. Potent yet not flashy, grotesque in its ability to haunt opponents, and inescapable once the image is born, duckbutter can have a truly lasting effect on an appreciator or rival. Like duckbutter, Red Grange's explosiveness came right from the hips.

This legend of Chicago played both his college and professional ball there. Playing for the Illini in a game against Michigan, he returned a kickoff 95 yards for a score and ran for touchdown runs of 67, 56, and 44 yards....in the first 12 minutes. After sitting out much of the rest of the half, he came back to run 11 yards for a 5th touchdown, then passed for another score, ending the Wolverine's (seriously, I'd rather watch Naked Gun 33 1/3 and Nell back to back then watch X-Men 2 again) 20 game winning streak.

After Grange joined Ming Ding Xiong, attendance went from 7,500 to 36,000. Allegedly, Grange spent his first $500 on a raccoon coat. Later, when Grange tried to buy Da' Bears and was rejected by Halas, Iceman said during a game of thumb war,

Iceman: You're so dead.
Halas: No, you're dead.
[they get closer and Halas leans in for a kiss]
Halas: I don't want to hurt you.

Iceman: I'm not afraid.

Anyway, Grange started his own league - good idea - but it totally folded - bad idea. He rejoined the Bears, where he was converted to defensive back and made a game saving tackle in the NFL's first championship game in 1933 against the Giants.

In his 20-game college career, he ran for 388 times for 2,071, caught 14 passes of 253 yards, and completed 40 passes for 575 yards. 16 of his touchdowns were from 20 yards or more and 9 were from 50 yards or more. He appeared on the cover of Time Magazine in 1925 and was named the greatest college football player ever by ESPN earlier this year. Over his high school, college, and pro career he carried the ball 4,103 times for 33,920 yards, or 8.4 yards a touch. Wow. Ee.

Said Chris "Pumpsh" Berman, "I was interviewing George Halas and I asked him who is the greatest running back you ever saw. And he said, 'That would be Red Grange.' And I asked him if Grange was playing today, how many yards do you think he'd gain. And he said, 'About 750, maybe 800 yards.' And I said, 'Well, 800 yards is just okay.' He sat up in his chair and he said, 'Son, you must remember one thing. Red Grange is 75 years old." - Chris Berman

...you just can't compete with that! Well, maybe you can. I hope you can. Winners, send me your various mailing addresses so I can get raped on shipping oddly shaped boxes.

Reminder: Dong And Pony Show Contest 3

Get this sweet "Liquid FM" transmitter!

Just a reminder - entries for Dong and Pony Show Contest 3 are due by Sunday Night at 11 PM. New contest begins Monday, so if you don't win this time, you can pick it up on a Monday win!

As always, entries can be posted on the appropriate Dong and Pony Show entry, or can be E-Mailed to GepettoZHog@gmail.com

May free shit month live on in my wallet for insane shipping costs!

Dong and Pony Show Contest 3: iPod Stuff

I'm officially killing Contest 2 - no winners, no good entries. Why? Most of the comments I got seemed genuinely terrified about the contest, citing that they would "have to be insane" to try and enter, or that "I'm very sensitive about my feces." Likewise, many people simply didn't enter because they didn't care about the DVD, and why waste precious energy trying to think for an item that doesn't interest you? I refuse to let Free Shit Month hit a rough patch, so to circumvent these issues, I announce Dong and Pony Show Contest 3!

Don't think that DVDs are unique and valuable? Fine. Here's a Kensington iPod FM adapter. This is designed for all the folks out there who hate all the music on the radio, but also seem to hate listening to the same CD for more than 30 seconds. Now you can take all of your OCD song-selection skills with you to the car! I personally miss the days when I could connect external media via the tape deck.

So while we're on the subject of Apple, the little company that could, here's what you need to do to win:

TO WIN: Send us an explanation of why you believe someone is the least appreciated player in Chicago sports history. Past or present, I don't care (I'm personally going with a certain one-armed White Sox pitcher, but you can probably do better). Entries are due by Sunday night at 8 PM (CT), and winners will be announced Monday morning. Use the weekend to think, people!

WINNERS: Kensington iPod FM transmitter, and Luol's Dong raffle ticket for grand prize.

RUNNER UPS: Raffle ticket OR Shockwave DVD (if desired).

Final entries are due by Sunday night, so get crackin'.

Dong And Pony Show Contest 2 Reminder

Don't forget - entries for Contest 2 are due by Thursday morning at 8 AM (CT).

Please, I'm begging you - don't make me sift through entries of images of your turds (although automatic win to anyone that spells out "Luol's Dong" with feces).

Contest Details

Just some quick details on contest entries:

#1. I sorted through all the crap that we have to be giving away, and I've compiled a minor list. If the prospect of winning these items doesn't keep you checking the page, I don't know what will. In no particular order:

Kensington Wireless FM Transmitter for iPod, ???????, Shockwave (DVD), Microsoft Wireless Mouse, ????????, Monster 6' HDMI Cable, ????????, Battle 360 (DVD), Luol's Dong Raffle Prize.

That's more valuable* free shit on the web than any other website based on a person's dick. Remember - you can enter EVERY CONTEST.
*Valuable is relative.

#2. The next Dong and Pony Show contest will begin Monday, and we'll try and get these things moving at about two contests per week (to get everything out within the "Free Shit Month" deadline). Hope you're enjoying this as much as we are, and the better turnout we get, the more we can give away. Tell your friends! Tell your enemies!

#3. No joke - I am in correspondance with a member of the USOC trying to get a friendly chat with the one and only Vic Wunderle. No promises, but if you have any questions you want to ask him, feel free to post them here.

Dong and Pony Show 1: Winners

Well, one contest down, and many to go. Winners, remember to contact us with your REAL address, or you ain't getting shit.

First, let's get the runner-up entry out of the way. The proud recipient of a Luol's Dong raffle ticket is...

CrazyJ8k via E-Mail with this insightful piece of information:

"u guys suk and arent funny. give it up fags. dog the bounty huntr is cooler than cedric an tank combined so u shuld give me the dvd."

We reward honesty here...but only with raffle tickets. Sorry.

And now, the winner of Dong and Pony Show Contest 1?

Raimster via E-Mail:

"Dear Mr. Dong,

I am well familiar with The Bounty Hunter as I, too, once excelled at the art of surrounding myself with a stout-faced, vagina-toting crew of savvy, motivated personnel. Though my posse and I merely ransacked park areas for used condemns (I like the smell, what can I say?) and never chased down evil, I have always considered Duane Chapman a brother...a dog-brother, but a brother no-less. So it is with the utmost of pride that I unleash my pack of wild Chicago athletes unto the world:

1) Bronko Nagurski - everything about this guy is badass. First of all, he's Polish-Ukranian so you know he's seen some things. This beast of Polack was a World Heavyweight Champion and has the biggest hands ever recorded in the NFL at 19.5. (The girl sucking my toes at the time of this writing wears a size 5, just for a basis of comaprison.)

Look at this badass quote from Wiki: According to legend, Nagurski was discovered and signed by University of Minnesota Head Coach Clarence "Fats" Spears who had gotten lost and asked for directions to the nearest town. Nagurski (who had been plowing a field without a horse) lifted his plow and used it to point in the direction of town. He was signed on the spot for a full ride football scholarship.

Oh, and his name is Bronko. It's even spelled wrong on purpose.

2) Jack "Black Jack" Stewart - I wasn't sure who to put on for the Blackhawks component of my team. Then I read the following off of www.legendsofhockey.com. "Stewart used brute force and strength to nullify opposing forwards while his partner used positioning and subtle clutching and grabbing to defend the goal." If this statement doesn't typify what we are all looking for in fellow hunters, in a smooth touch, in life.... then I don't know what does. When I think of the ideal ying to my zag, I think of someone who knows how to use force and positioning with me, someone who can implement subtle clutching and grabbing in ways that will really open my horizons and introduce me to new and exciting ways of scoring, a.k.a catching bad guys. Black Jack, live up to my expectations and will experience things the way they were meant to be expereinced.

3) Benny the Bull - The dude is 10 feet tall and can still tippy-toe, sleuth around like freakin Sherlock Holmes. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBbvBvy1peY True, he has some balance issues, but give him three minutes with Black Jack, and he'll be subtly grabbing and clutching in no time. He's got intimidation, he's got quick feet, and he's knows how to beat up the little guy, something key in tracking down good-for-nothing low-lifes, too yellow-bellied to go out and do what their parents did: Get a Job, sir!

4) Al Lopex - This guy was quick on his feet. Lopez was once working behind the plate on a hot day and decided to leave the game even if he had to get the thumb. As luck would have it, the plate umpire was Charley Moran, who, Lopez knew, had been a college football coach in Kentucky. So, between innings, Lopez turned around and baited Moran. "Charlie, weren't you once a famous football coach?" Lopez asked. Off guard, Moran said, "Why yes, I coached the Praying Colonels at Centre College." "Is that so?" Lopez asked innocently. "What were they praying for--a new coach?" In a moment he was on his way to the showers."

I mean, come on. This guy was Carlos Mencia before Mencia was born. Every Bounty Hunter knows he needs a sharp shooter who some nemesis can refer to as "wise-crackin'." Lopez provides the foil for my militia of evil-catchers. He's Joey to our Friends, Michaelangelo to the the Turtles, Earth to the Planeteers.

And so conclucdes my squad, earnest and nimble, reliable and sly as a hungry moose. Go get 'em, ex-Chicago stars. May the Windy City send a gust to help us with our trevails. "

THAT is how you do it, friends! Great post, brings back memories...Ah, Bronko...

Stay tuned for Dong and Pony Show Contest 2, coming soon to a website near you!

Dong and Pony Show 1 Entries Due By Midnight!

You know you want me...

Just a reminder: Dong and Pony Show Contest 1 ends tonight at 11:59 PM (central time, of course). If you haven't gotten your entry in, we recommend doing that (makes it difficult to win otherwise).

TO WIN: Send us your own crew of Chicago sports miscreants that you would choose to be on your Dog Squad, and why. Remember - your answers can be completely retarded as long as they're funny. Post or E-Mail your answers by WEDNESDAY at midnight - winners will be announced Thursday afternoon.

WINNERS: A "Dog the Bounty Hunter: Best of Season 4" DVD, and raffle ticket for Dong and Pony Show grand prize (to be announced later this month)

RUNNER UPS: Raffle ticket for Dong and Pony Show grand prize (to be announced later this month)

REMEMBER: Tell your friends - the better the reader response is to this giveaway, the more likely it is that we can do more stuff like it!

Free Shit MONTH

Making all your wishes come true since 2007!

Well, we promised free shit this week, but I wasn't expecting to have NEARLY this much stuff to give away. As a result - September shall heretofore be known as FREE SHIT MONTH. We will be doing contests to give away DVD's from our good friends at A&E and the History channel (not copies for once, but we don't really care what you do when you get them), some electronics from Microsoft (thanks guys - now fix my computer), random shit from other various sources (read: dumpster), and of course, our own personal Luol's Dong Schwag (wear it proud).

Contest rules and guidelines will accompany each giveaway post. Look for posts marked DONG AND PONY SHOW for your chance to score some free shit. We'll be doing it all month, so if you don't win once...odds are you're really not all that clever or funny and the odds of you winning are severely diminished.

Stay tuned!

(PBF rules)

Free Shit Inbound

My inability to use spell check aside, it seems that Luol's Dong is going to be getting some freebies to hand out for you lucky readers! After our latest resurrection, we garnered some huge headlines (Dong Refuses to Stay Flaccid, Dong is Ready for Action) and were given a chance to give the readers some free crap. These range from DVDs of things that you may actually watch on your own time to, well, general "Free Shit."

Keep your eyes peeled for details, as we're going to be running a series of contests to get rid of all of this stuff. The first of many "Dong and Pony Show" contests will occur sometime this week to determine the first batch of winners.

Stay tuned.

UPDATE: And by "this week," I mean after Labor Day. Makes getting shipping done right a bitch.

Photoshop Winner

Sent to the bottom of the page and second place. Tsk.

In case you didn't notice, the site probably looks a little different right now -- maybe it's that HUMONGOUS LOGO AT THE TOP.

Props to Mark with the win, and his hard work shall remain enshrined at the top. Now, this is not to say that the other entries weren't good -- some were actually pretty demented/funny. Here's a random one -- the last entry received before the contest ended. Buzzer beater, for sure:

Funny, demented, and midget-related.

You may have also noticed the addition of our shop at the top-right of your screen. Please help us be bigger sellouts. We don't make more than a dime per shirt, but that's how we keep 'em cheap. Where else can you show your support for Luol's genitalia in fabric form? We have an ultimate goal in mind, but more on that later.

Also, in regards to Noccioni's Baloney Poney:

LAST DAY TO SUBMIT A LUOL'S DONG LOGO!

Today is the final day before the vote-fest tomorrow. I know that I had originally said that Wednesday would be the final day, but I decided to push it back because of MLK day (I know that most creative minds do their best work while AT work).

We've decided to expand the rules a bit -- there can be TWO winners -- we need a horizontal banner and a vertical one.

As always, send your entries to: GepettoZHog@gmail.com

Extra points will be awarded for any Noccioni's Baloney Pony entries.

Final Reminder For Photoshop Contest

We're still taking entries for our photoshop contest, so if you think you can top this, send in an entry. Final images will be up for vote on WEDNESDAY, 1/23, with judgment passed NEXT FRIDAY (1/25), so if you've got that idea you've been dying to put on the Dong, we'd love to have it.

Remember, we need ones for a banner, too!

Send all entries to GepettoZHog@gmail.com

Photoshop Contest (Continued)

My own design, and as such, my personal favorite.

As my inbox fills with entries for the photoshop contest, I find myself wishing I had more. Send me MORE!

Here are some more pictures we've been sent -- make sure to send in your own!

C/o the guys at Chicago Bull. Nice!

C/o of our very own Bloomberg. Clever.

C/o "Avi." (Why is Luol trying to penetrate this man?)

Send all entries to GepettoZHog@gmail.com

Reminder: Photoshop Contest

Can you do better than this guy?

This is your friendly neighborhood Spiderman reminding you to take part in our photoshop contest.

We've seen pretty much every possible combination of Luol Deng taking a jumpshot with a black line drawn on it as a dong, so for those of you that were snapping you fingers and saying "Ugh! That guy took my idea," you're not alone. This is not to say that you can't do it better than some other guy, but try and vary from the norm a bit (or just do it better than everyone else).

Remember, send those entries to GepettoZHog@gmail.com so that we can give ourselves a picture with the name!

Photoshop Contest!

Figured this needed its own post:

Just a reminder, Luol's Dong is doing a photoshop contest.

We need something that really captures the essence of Luol's Dong -- we're throwing a line out to you, the readers, and hope you can come up with something! You can draw pretty much whatever the hell you want, and use whatever tool you want -- elbow macaroni with glue-on sparkles, PC Paint, photoshop, whatever.

So, for anyone who's looking for a little prestige and a shot to do our blog right, here are the entry rules:

-- Send all entries to GepettoZHog@gmail.com with the subject "Luol's Dong Contest"

-- Please, no pictures of gigantic raptor cocks. I'll just forward those to Keggers for his personal use, and that'll be that.

-- The winning entry will be featured ON OUR WEBSITE. Yes, that's right. Your horrible design can be OUR horrible design.

-- There can be only one winner, but the top three runner-up pictures will be featured on the blog, and then one of them will be voted by YOU, the READERS, as a secondary picture (probably for holidays and birthdays).

Heaven help us.

Post #100 (Sit Your Ass Down)

Designed by Joakim Noah's stylist.

It's hard to believe that we're already at our 100th post here at Luol's Dong -- in what started as a terrible idea between me and Keggers, we've legitimately accomplished something. We've been featured on Deadspin, Deuce of Davenport, and even the radio! Because the 100th post is just as special as the first, we're just going to keep right on rolling:

Sit Your Ass Down:


The Bulls are "playing" (read: taking four quarters to lose) later tonight, and there will be no Joakim Noah on the court. Noah wore street clothes last game and sat behind the bench as punishment for being late/being an asshole. He was supposed to play tonight, but the rest of the team unanimously agreed that he be punished further.

I didn't really see Noah's "altercation," but he apparently bit the head off of a coach the way that Deng bites off the heads of doves.

Don't lie, you know what I'm talking about.

There's something to be said when the team you're on thinks that you should sit out more games. If the entire Bulls roster -- filled with their hatred for winning and local contracts -- thinks that you need to sit out to learn some discipline, you have a serious problem. I suppose I should be happy that the Bulls are actually coming together on something for a change. If this doesn't make them a stronger squad, I don't know what will.

To celebrate our 100th Post, we're going to do a photoshop contest!

We need something that really captures the essence of Luol's Dong -- we're throwing a line out to you, the readers, and hope you can come up with something! You can draw pretty much whatever the hell you want, and use whatever tool you want -- elbow macaroni with glue-on sparkles, PC Paint, photoshop, whatever.

To get you started, here's Brad's version of what he thinks our logo should look like:

So, for anyone who's looking for a little prestige and a shot to do your blog right, here are the entry rules:

-- Send all entries to GepettoZHog@gmail.com with the subject "Luol's Dong Contest"

-- Please, no pictures of gigantic raptor cocks. I'll just forward those to Keggers for his personal use, and that'll be that.

-- The winning entry will be featured ON OUR WEBSITE. Yes, that's right. Your horrible design can be OUR horrible design.

-- There can be only one winner, but the top three runner-up pictures will be featured on the blog, and then one of them will be voted by YOU, the READERS, as a secondary picture (probably for holidays and birthdays).

Heaven help us.