Thursday, September 4, 2008

Dong and Pony Show 1: Winners

Well, one contest down, and many to go. Winners, remember to contact us with your REAL address, or you ain't getting shit.

First, let's get the runner-up entry out of the way. The proud recipient of a Luol's Dong raffle ticket is...

CrazyJ8k via E-Mail with this insightful piece of information:

"u guys suk and arent funny. give it up fags. dog the bounty huntr is cooler than cedric an tank combined so u shuld give me the dvd."

We reward honesty here...but only with raffle tickets. Sorry.

And now, the winner of Dong and Pony Show Contest 1?

Raimster via E-Mail:

"Dear Mr. Dong,

I am well familiar with The Bounty Hunter as I, too, once excelled at the art of surrounding myself with a stout-faced, vagina-toting crew of savvy, motivated personnel. Though my posse and I merely ransacked park areas for used condemns (I like the smell, what can I say?) and never chased down evil, I have always considered Duane Chapman a brother...a dog-brother, but a brother no-less. So it is with the utmost of pride that I unleash my pack of wild Chicago athletes unto the world:

1) Bronko Nagurski - everything about this guy is badass. First of all, he's Polish-Ukranian so you know he's seen some things. This beast of Polack was a World Heavyweight Champion and has the biggest hands ever recorded in the NFL at 19.5. (The girl sucking my toes at the time of this writing wears a size 5, just for a basis of comaprison.)

Look at this badass quote from Wiki: According to legend, Nagurski was discovered and signed by University of Minnesota Head Coach Clarence "Fats" Spears who had gotten lost and asked for directions to the nearest town. Nagurski (who had been plowing a field without a horse) lifted his plow and used it to point in the direction of town. He was signed on the spot for a full ride football scholarship.

Oh, and his name is Bronko. It's even spelled wrong on purpose.

2) Jack "Black Jack" Stewart - I wasn't sure who to put on for the Blackhawks component of my team. Then I read the following off of "Stewart used brute force and strength to nullify opposing forwards while his partner used positioning and subtle clutching and grabbing to defend the goal." If this statement doesn't typify what we are all looking for in fellow hunters, in a smooth touch, in life.... then I don't know what does. When I think of the ideal ying to my zag, I think of someone who knows how to use force and positioning with me, someone who can implement subtle clutching and grabbing in ways that will really open my horizons and introduce me to new and exciting ways of scoring, a.k.a catching bad guys. Black Jack, live up to my expectations and will experience things the way they were meant to be expereinced.

3) Benny the Bull - The dude is 10 feet tall and can still tippy-toe, sleuth around like freakin Sherlock Holmes. True, he has some balance issues, but give him three minutes with Black Jack, and he'll be subtly grabbing and clutching in no time. He's got intimidation, he's got quick feet, and he's knows how to beat up the little guy, something key in tracking down good-for-nothing low-lifes, too yellow-bellied to go out and do what their parents did: Get a Job, sir!

4) Al Lopex - This guy was quick on his feet. Lopez was once working behind the plate on a hot day and decided to leave the game even if he had to get the thumb. As luck would have it, the plate umpire was Charley Moran, who, Lopez knew, had been a college football coach in Kentucky. So, between innings, Lopez turned around and baited Moran. "Charlie, weren't you once a famous football coach?" Lopez asked. Off guard, Moran said, "Why yes, I coached the Praying Colonels at Centre College." "Is that so?" Lopez asked innocently. "What were they praying for--a new coach?" In a moment he was on his way to the showers."

I mean, come on. This guy was Carlos Mencia before Mencia was born. Every Bounty Hunter knows he needs a sharp shooter who some nemesis can refer to as "wise-crackin'." Lopez provides the foil for my militia of evil-catchers. He's Joey to our Friends, Michaelangelo to the the Turtles, Earth to the Planeteers.

And so conclucdes my squad, earnest and nimble, reliable and sly as a hungry moose. Go get 'em, ex-Chicago stars. May the Windy City send a gust to help us with our trevails. "

THAT is how you do it, friends! Great post, brings back memories...Ah, Bronko...

Stay tuned for Dong and Pony Show Contest 2, coming soon to a website near you!


Fisting Andrew Golota said...

Why do I get the feeling like only 2 people entered this contest?

sweetbob said...

I gave away this dvd too, I watched the "Shockwave" dvd that they sent me to giveaway, it's pretty crazy.

Dog has the greatest mullet on television, now since Barry Melrose is coaching the tampa bay lightning.

Stormin' Norman Disciple said...

Hey Raimster, get a job. By the way, full-time Jew is not a job.

Gepetto said...

More contest shenanigans to come (and better shit too). Stay tuned.