Monday, September 15, 2008

Dong and Pony Show Contest 3: Winners

Solid entries for Contest 3 - there's another one coming tomorrow, so stay tuned.

RUNNER UP: The TPC with this accurate (if not somewhat insighful) entry:

In light of last weeks great performance by Matt Forte, I have settled on a choice.

The most underappreciated Chicago sports athlete especially in my lifetime is Neal Anderson.

Lets think about it, he is the back up of Walter Payton and then is his successor, easily the most beloved bear of all time. The pressure following Paytons exit was enormous, fill the shoes of the best running back of all time. Neal Anderson did just that. He was selected to four pro bowls rushed for over 1000 yards in three seasons. Not to mention, he didnt bitch or moan and actually carried some pretty bad teams.

Finally, the guy is fucking awesome in Super Tecmo Bowl (the greatest video game ever)and actually makes the Bears a decent team to play with. For that reason he is my choice and I dare anyone to fight me on it.

You can just send me the ipod converter now as no one can contend with me! (Ed's Note: So close, buddy. So close).

WINNER: Raimster. Again. Further proof that your answers don't need to be good so much as that you have to be out of your fucking mind to win. Somebody stop this guy:

Maybe it's the 74 years since his last carry. Maybe it's his mere 32 touchdowns in the pros. Maybe we get distracted when we hear his moniker and suddenly start to think of that awful X-Men sequel.

Whatever the reason, Red 'Iceman' Grange is the duckbutter of football: we don't notice it until it's pointed out and once it's pointed out, we can't help but revel in its aesthetic beauty. Potent yet not flashy, grotesque in its ability to haunt opponents, and inescapable once the image is born, duckbutter can have a truly lasting effect on an appreciator or rival. Like duckbutter, Red Grange's explosiveness came right from the hips.

This legend of Chicago played both his college and professional ball there. Playing for the Illini in a game against Michigan, he returned a kickoff 95 yards for a score and ran for touchdown runs of 67, 56, and 44 the first 12 minutes. After sitting out much of the rest of the half, he came back to run 11 yards for a 5th touchdown, then passed for another score, ending the Wolverine's (seriously, I'd rather watch Naked Gun 33 1/3 and Nell back to back then watch X-Men 2 again) 20 game winning streak.

After Grange joined Ming Ding Xiong, attendance went from 7,500 to 36,000. Allegedly, Grange spent his first $500 on a raccoon coat. Later, when Grange tried to buy Da' Bears and was rejected by Halas, Iceman said during a game of thumb war,

Iceman: You're so dead.
Halas: No, you're dead.
[they get closer and Halas leans in for a kiss]
Halas: I don't want to hurt you.
Iceman: I'm not afraid.

Anyway, Grange started his own league - good idea - but it totally folded - bad idea. He rejoined the Bears, where he was converted to defensive back and made a game saving tackle in the NFL's first championship game in 1933 against the Giants.

In his 20-game college career, he ran for 388 times for 2,071, caught 14 passes of 253 yards, and completed 40 passes for 575 yards. 16 of his touchdowns were from 20 yards or more and 9 were from 50 yards or more. He appeared on the cover of Time Magazine in 1925 and was named the greatest college football player ever by ESPN earlier this year. Over his high school, college, and pro career he carried the ball 4,103 times for 33,920 yards, or 8.4 yards a touch. Wow. Ee.

Said Chris "Pumpsh" Berman, "I was interviewing George Halas and I asked him who is the greatest running back you ever saw. And he said, 'That would be Red Grange.' And I asked him if Grange was playing today, how many yards do you think he'd gain. And he said, 'About 750, maybe 800 yards.' And I said, 'Well, 800 yards is just okay.' He sat up in his chair and he said, 'Son, you must remember one thing. Red Grange is 75 years old." - Chris Berman just can't compete with that! Well, maybe you can. I hope you can. Winners, send me your various mailing addresses so I can get raped on shipping oddly shaped boxes.

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