Giveaway: Surviving History

We love the History Channel, and the History Channel loves us.

I really can't think of a better DVD set for a Chicago sports fan. This is a 3-disc set discussing all of the older torture/death mechanisms in history. We're talking about the well known historical misery inducers - the guillotine, the iron maiden, and the Cubs. There's also some stranger ones on there, like the Shame Flute. I mean, what the hell is a "shame flute?" Well, if you sucked at your instrument, they made you wear this thing around your neck and then jammed your fingers into it so you couldn't play...and then they heckled you.

When I think of torture, I can't think of a more sympathetic town than Chicago. Barring the Bulls of the Jordan era and the 2005 WS win for the White Sox, the last 50 years have been pretty bad around here. The Hawks haven't won it all since Wirtz took over (and subsequently died), the Bulls haven't come close since Jordan left, and so on.

Worst of all, each one of the Chicago team leads you into believing that, OK, maybe THIS is the year we can get something done. And then they choke (see: Cubs, Fire, soon-to-be Bears). Needless to say, these DVDs understand your pain, and can give you other ways to wish for death aside from living here.

TO WIN: Tell us your most torturous moment being a Chicago sports fan. Comment on this post, or E-Mail your entries to GepettoZHog@gmail.com. Winners will be announced later this week.

Suckers!!!

Well well well....what do we have here? Why, it's a DVD of "Shockwave," season 1!!! This must be from that contest on Luol's Dong that nobody entered.  Well, it's either this or watch "Metalocalypse" for the 10,000th time. Let's open this up and see what it is.

Holy crap! This show's pretty cool! Every episode has a lot of shit exploding and people getting hurt.  I think a guy dies once in a while too.  Plus, most of the victims on this show are ridiculous hillbillies, which makes it all the better to see them get maimed by hurricanes and funny car wrecks.  I'm pretty sure you need a mustache to even be considered for this show. And there's 4 discs of this stuff!!  Too bad nobody who reads the Dong won this!!!

In a nutshell:  your loss = my gain.  Ha!

Dong and Pony Show Contest 4: HDMI Cable

Dong And Pony Show Contest 4!

Hey, look at you with your fancy HDTV and BluRay player. Got yourself a real sweet setup with that 7.1 surround sound for all those great HD NFL games, huh? You think you're better than the rest of us? DO YOU!?

Well, maybe. But even so, continuing Free Shit Month, we have this lovely HDMI cable to give away. It's a 6' cable from Monster - good for all those marathons of the Gilmore Girls or whatever the hell you guys watch. Damned if I know. Hook together your XBOX 360/BluRay Player/HD DVD Player (HA!), sound system, and HDTV in one glorious package that will surely have your neighbors trying to steal your entertainment system while you're out shopping.

Still, 6' is kinda short. Don't really know what you'd do with a really complex setup (totally going to rob you later), but that's not really my problem, is it?

TO WIN: Tell us your favorite diminutive athlete! Short, stout or just plain tiny, I don't care. Make it good.

WINNERS: Have an HDMI cable and a Luol's Dong Grand Prize Raffle Ticket!

RUNNERS UP: Have a Raffle Ticket

All entries can be posted here, or sent to GepettoZHog@gmail.com. Winners will be announced sometime this week, so get crackin'!

Dong and Pony Show Contest 3: Winners

Solid entries for Contest 3 - there's another one coming tomorrow, so stay tuned.

RUNNER UP: The TPC with this accurate (if not somewhat insighful) entry:

In light of last weeks great performance by Matt Forte, I have settled on a choice.

The most underappreciated Chicago sports athlete especially in my lifetime is Neal Anderson.

Lets think about it, he is the back up of Walter Payton and then is his successor, easily the most beloved bear of all time. The pressure following Paytons exit was enormous, fill the shoes of the best running back of all time. Neal Anderson did just that. He was selected to four pro bowls rushed for over 1000 yards in three seasons. Not to mention, he didnt bitch or moan and actually carried some pretty bad teams.

Finally, the guy is fucking awesome in Super Tecmo Bowl (the greatest video game ever)and actually makes the Bears a decent team to play with. For that reason he is my choice and I dare anyone to fight me on it.

Ps
You can just send me the ipod converter now as no one can contend with me! (Ed's Note: So close, buddy. So close).

WINNER: Raimster. Again. Further proof that your answers don't need to be good so much as that you have to be out of your fucking mind to win. Somebody stop this guy:

Maybe it's the 74 years since his last carry. Maybe it's his mere 32 touchdowns in the pros. Maybe we get distracted when we hear his moniker and suddenly start to think of that awful X-Men sequel.

Whatever the reason, Red 'Iceman' Grange is the duckbutter of football: we don't notice it until it's pointed out and once it's pointed out, we can't help but revel in its aesthetic beauty. Potent yet not flashy, grotesque in its ability to haunt opponents, and inescapable once the image is born, duckbutter can have a truly lasting effect on an appreciator or rival. Like duckbutter, Red Grange's explosiveness came right from the hips.

This legend of Chicago played both his college and professional ball there. Playing for the Illini in a game against Michigan, he returned a kickoff 95 yards for a score and ran for touchdown runs of 67, 56, and 44 yards....in the first 12 minutes. After sitting out much of the rest of the half, he came back to run 11 yards for a 5th touchdown, then passed for another score, ending the Wolverine's (seriously, I'd rather watch Naked Gun 33 1/3 and Nell back to back then watch X-Men 2 again) 20 game winning streak.

After Grange joined Ming Ding Xiong, attendance went from 7,500 to 36,000. Allegedly, Grange spent his first $500 on a raccoon coat. Later, when Grange tried to buy Da' Bears and was rejected by Halas, Iceman said during a game of thumb war,

Iceman: You're so dead.
Halas: No, you're dead.
[they get closer and Halas leans in for a kiss]
Halas: I don't want to hurt you.

Iceman: I'm not afraid.

Anyway, Grange started his own league - good idea - but it totally folded - bad idea. He rejoined the Bears, where he was converted to defensive back and made a game saving tackle in the NFL's first championship game in 1933 against the Giants.

In his 20-game college career, he ran for 388 times for 2,071, caught 14 passes of 253 yards, and completed 40 passes for 575 yards. 16 of his touchdowns were from 20 yards or more and 9 were from 50 yards or more. He appeared on the cover of Time Magazine in 1925 and was named the greatest college football player ever by ESPN earlier this year. Over his high school, college, and pro career he carried the ball 4,103 times for 33,920 yards, or 8.4 yards a touch. Wow. Ee.

Said Chris "Pumpsh" Berman, "I was interviewing George Halas and I asked him who is the greatest running back you ever saw. And he said, 'That would be Red Grange.' And I asked him if Grange was playing today, how many yards do you think he'd gain. And he said, 'About 750, maybe 800 yards.' And I said, 'Well, 800 yards is just okay.' He sat up in his chair and he said, 'Son, you must remember one thing. Red Grange is 75 years old." - Chris Berman

...you just can't compete with that! Well, maybe you can. I hope you can. Winners, send me your various mailing addresses so I can get raped on shipping oddly shaped boxes.

Reminder: Dong And Pony Show Contest 3

Get this sweet "Liquid FM" transmitter!

Just a reminder - entries for Dong and Pony Show Contest 3 are due by Sunday Night at 11 PM. New contest begins Monday, so if you don't win this time, you can pick it up on a Monday win!

As always, entries can be posted on the appropriate Dong and Pony Show entry, or can be E-Mailed to GepettoZHog@gmail.com

May free shit month live on in my wallet for insane shipping costs!

Dong and Pony Show Contest 3: iPod Stuff

I'm officially killing Contest 2 - no winners, no good entries. Why? Most of the comments I got seemed genuinely terrified about the contest, citing that they would "have to be insane" to try and enter, or that "I'm very sensitive about my feces." Likewise, many people simply didn't enter because they didn't care about the DVD, and why waste precious energy trying to think for an item that doesn't interest you? I refuse to let Free Shit Month hit a rough patch, so to circumvent these issues, I announce Dong and Pony Show Contest 3!

Don't think that DVDs are unique and valuable? Fine. Here's a Kensington iPod FM adapter. This is designed for all the folks out there who hate all the music on the radio, but also seem to hate listening to the same CD for more than 30 seconds. Now you can take all of your OCD song-selection skills with you to the car! I personally miss the days when I could connect external media via the tape deck.

So while we're on the subject of Apple, the little company that could, here's what you need to do to win:

TO WIN: Send us an explanation of why you believe someone is the least appreciated player in Chicago sports history. Past or present, I don't care (I'm personally going with a certain one-armed White Sox pitcher, but you can probably do better). Entries are due by Sunday night at 8 PM (CT), and winners will be announced Monday morning. Use the weekend to think, people!

WINNERS: Kensington iPod FM transmitter, and Luol's Dong raffle ticket for grand prize.

RUNNER UPS: Raffle ticket OR Shockwave DVD (if desired).

Final entries are due by Sunday night, so get crackin'.

Dong And Pony Show Contest 2 Reminder

Don't forget - entries for Contest 2 are due by Thursday morning at 8 AM (CT).

Please, I'm begging you - don't make me sift through entries of images of your turds (although automatic win to anyone that spells out "Luol's Dong" with feces).

Dong And Pony Show Contest 2: Shockwave

For our last Dong & Pony Show giveaway, we asked our readers to submit a thoughtfully written essay concerning...Dog the Bounty Hunter. As you can imagine, the results were not as intellectually stimulating as we had hoped (except for the guy who actually won -- you RULE, dude). So this week, we're gonna try something a little different.

Our giveaway this time is a DVD of The History Channel's SHOCKWAVE, Season 1. For those who are unaware, the back of the box says that SHOCKWAVE "creates astonishing three-dimensional models that help us understand how--and why--some of the world's most awe-inspiring catastrophes happened." So........

TO WIN: We want to know how and why YOUR most awe-inspiring catastrophe happened. Specifically: the nastiest, most foul dump you've ever taken. Give us details. We want to know if it was nutty or runny. We want to know what color it was. What it smelled like. If there was bits of peanuts in there, or maybe blood. We want to know what you ate that day. Photos are encouraged. Entries can be emailed to gepettozhog@gmail.com. Post or E-Mail your answers by THURSDAY MORNING at 8:00 AM (CT)- winners will be announced Wednesday afternoon.

WINNERS: A "Shockwave: Season 1" DVD, and raffle ticket for Dong and Pony Show grand prize (whatever the hell that is).

RUNNER UPS: Raffle ticket for Dong and Pony Show grand prize.

REMEMBER: The more people that enter this contest, the more stuff we can give away to you, our loyal readers, in the future. This is Chicago, people -- vote early, vote often. And tell your friends/enemies/parole officer as well.

Contest Details

Just some quick details on contest entries:

#1. I sorted through all the crap that we have to be giving away, and I've compiled a minor list. If the prospect of winning these items doesn't keep you checking the page, I don't know what will. In no particular order:

Kensington Wireless FM Transmitter for iPod, ???????, Shockwave (DVD), Microsoft Wireless Mouse, ????????, Monster 6' HDMI Cable, ????????, Battle 360 (DVD), Luol's Dong Raffle Prize.

That's more valuable* free shit on the web than any other website based on a person's dick. Remember - you can enter EVERY CONTEST.
*Valuable is relative.

#2. The next Dong and Pony Show contest will begin Monday, and we'll try and get these things moving at about two contests per week (to get everything out within the "Free Shit Month" deadline). Hope you're enjoying this as much as we are, and the better turnout we get, the more we can give away. Tell your friends! Tell your enemies!

#3. No joke - I am in correspondance with a member of the USOC trying to get a friendly chat with the one and only Vic Wunderle. No promises, but if you have any questions you want to ask him, feel free to post them here.

Dong and Pony Show 1: Winners

Well, one contest down, and many to go. Winners, remember to contact us with your REAL address, or you ain't getting shit.

First, let's get the runner-up entry out of the way. The proud recipient of a Luol's Dong raffle ticket is...

CrazyJ8k via E-Mail with this insightful piece of information:

"u guys suk and arent funny. give it up fags. dog the bounty huntr is cooler than cedric an tank combined so u shuld give me the dvd."

We reward honesty here...but only with raffle tickets. Sorry.

And now, the winner of Dong and Pony Show Contest 1?

Raimster via E-Mail:

"Dear Mr. Dong,

I am well familiar with The Bounty Hunter as I, too, once excelled at the art of surrounding myself with a stout-faced, vagina-toting crew of savvy, motivated personnel. Though my posse and I merely ransacked park areas for used condemns (I like the smell, what can I say?) and never chased down evil, I have always considered Duane Chapman a brother...a dog-brother, but a brother no-less. So it is with the utmost of pride that I unleash my pack of wild Chicago athletes unto the world:

1) Bronko Nagurski - everything about this guy is badass. First of all, he's Polish-Ukranian so you know he's seen some things. This beast of Polack was a World Heavyweight Champion and has the biggest hands ever recorded in the NFL at 19.5. (The girl sucking my toes at the time of this writing wears a size 5, just for a basis of comaprison.)

Look at this badass quote from Wiki: According to legend, Nagurski was discovered and signed by University of Minnesota Head Coach Clarence "Fats" Spears who had gotten lost and asked for directions to the nearest town. Nagurski (who had been plowing a field without a horse) lifted his plow and used it to point in the direction of town. He was signed on the spot for a full ride football scholarship.

Oh, and his name is Bronko. It's even spelled wrong on purpose.

2) Jack "Black Jack" Stewart - I wasn't sure who to put on for the Blackhawks component of my team. Then I read the following off of www.legendsofhockey.com. "Stewart used brute force and strength to nullify opposing forwards while his partner used positioning and subtle clutching and grabbing to defend the goal." If this statement doesn't typify what we are all looking for in fellow hunters, in a smooth touch, in life.... then I don't know what does. When I think of the ideal ying to my zag, I think of someone who knows how to use force and positioning with me, someone who can implement subtle clutching and grabbing in ways that will really open my horizons and introduce me to new and exciting ways of scoring, a.k.a catching bad guys. Black Jack, live up to my expectations and will experience things the way they were meant to be expereinced.

3) Benny the Bull - The dude is 10 feet tall and can still tippy-toe, sleuth around like freakin Sherlock Holmes. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBbvBvy1peY True, he has some balance issues, but give him three minutes with Black Jack, and he'll be subtly grabbing and clutching in no time. He's got intimidation, he's got quick feet, and he's knows how to beat up the little guy, something key in tracking down good-for-nothing low-lifes, too yellow-bellied to go out and do what their parents did: Get a Job, sir!

4) Al Lopex - This guy was quick on his feet. Lopez was once working behind the plate on a hot day and decided to leave the game even if he had to get the thumb. As luck would have it, the plate umpire was Charley Moran, who, Lopez knew, had been a college football coach in Kentucky. So, between innings, Lopez turned around and baited Moran. "Charlie, weren't you once a famous football coach?" Lopez asked. Off guard, Moran said, "Why yes, I coached the Praying Colonels at Centre College." "Is that so?" Lopez asked innocently. "What were they praying for--a new coach?" In a moment he was on his way to the showers."

I mean, come on. This guy was Carlos Mencia before Mencia was born. Every Bounty Hunter knows he needs a sharp shooter who some nemesis can refer to as "wise-crackin'." Lopez provides the foil for my militia of evil-catchers. He's Joey to our Friends, Michaelangelo to the the Turtles, Earth to the Planeteers.

And so conclucdes my squad, earnest and nimble, reliable and sly as a hungry moose. Go get 'em, ex-Chicago stars. May the Windy City send a gust to help us with our trevails. "

THAT is how you do it, friends! Great post, brings back memories...Ah, Bronko...

Stay tuned for Dong and Pony Show Contest 2, coming soon to a website near you!

Dong and Pony Show 1 Entries Due By Midnight!

You know you want me...

Just a reminder: Dong and Pony Show Contest 1 ends tonight at 11:59 PM (central time, of course). If you haven't gotten your entry in, we recommend doing that (makes it difficult to win otherwise).

TO WIN: Send us your own crew of Chicago sports miscreants that you would choose to be on your Dog Squad, and why. Remember - your answers can be completely retarded as long as they're funny. Post or E-Mail your answers by WEDNESDAY at midnight - winners will be announced Thursday afternoon.

WINNERS: A "Dog the Bounty Hunter: Best of Season 4" DVD, and raffle ticket for Dong and Pony Show grand prize (to be announced later this month)

RUNNER UPS: Raffle ticket for Dong and Pony Show grand prize (to be announced later this month)

REMEMBER: Tell your friends - the better the reader response is to this giveaway, the more likely it is that we can do more stuff like it!

Dong And Pony Show Contest 1: Dong The Bounty Hunter

Brought to you by the letters A and E.

Welcome to Round 1 of the Dong and Pony Show! For those of you that have no idea what's going on, you might want to reference this post. Remember - if you don't win this time, we've got a bunch more coming this month!

To kick off our Free Shit Month of Dong and Pony Show shenanigans, we have Dog the Bounty Hunter. I don't really get what makes Dog so special - he's really just some guy with bad hair and a gun. Hasn't anybody ever been to a baseball game in Chicago? We've got TONS of these guys!

Anyways, most episodes involve Dog (AKA "Duane") doing "research" on some sort of community menace, chasing down said menace in a footchase using force, and then preaching to them about Jesus for 30 minutes. It's essentially the formula on how to get more people to go to Church - sure, you keep the main message, but why not throw in some guns and mullets?

Dog travels with his crew of Unattractive Woman, Slightly More Attractive Woman, Hillbilly, Redneck and Other Guy as they track down evildoers who somehow escape the law. Kinda like Batman, but with guns. Man, now I kinda wanna watch it...

TO WIN: Send us your own crew of Chicago sports miscreants that you would choose to be on your Dog Squad, and why. Remember - your answers can be completely retarded as long as they're funny. Post or E-Mail your answers by WEDNESDAY at midnight - winners will be announced Thursday afternoon.

WINNERS: A "Dog the Bounty Hunter: Best of Season 4" DVD, and raffle ticket for Dong and Pony Show grand prize (to be announced later this month)

RUNNER UPS: Raffle ticket for Dong and Pony Show grand prize (to be announced later this month)

REMEMBER: Tell your friends - the better the reader response is to this giveaway, the more likely it is that we can do more stuff like it!

Free Shit MONTH

Making all your wishes come true since 2007!

Well, we promised free shit this week, but I wasn't expecting to have NEARLY this much stuff to give away. As a result - September shall heretofore be known as FREE SHIT MONTH. We will be doing contests to give away DVD's from our good friends at A&E and the History channel (not copies for once, but we don't really care what you do when you get them), some electronics from Microsoft (thanks guys - now fix my computer), random shit from other various sources (read: dumpster), and of course, our own personal Luol's Dong Schwag (wear it proud).

Contest rules and guidelines will accompany each giveaway post. Look for posts marked DONG AND PONY SHOW for your chance to score some free shit. We'll be doing it all month, so if you don't win once...odds are you're really not all that clever or funny and the odds of you winning are severely diminished.

Stay tuned!

(PBF rules)

Free Shit Inbound

My inability to use spell check aside, it seems that Luol's Dong is going to be getting some freebies to hand out for you lucky readers! After our latest resurrection, we garnered some huge headlines (Dong Refuses to Stay Flaccid, Dong is Ready for Action) and were given a chance to give the readers some free crap. These range from DVDs of things that you may actually watch on your own time to, well, general "Free Shit."

Keep your eyes peeled for details, as we're going to be running a series of contests to get rid of all of this stuff. The first of many "Dong and Pony Show" contests will occur sometime this week to determine the first batch of winners.

Stay tuned.

UPDATE: And by "this week," I mean after Labor Day. Makes getting shipping done right a bitch.