Roundup: Cubs

"Hey man, we're outside. What inning is it?"

Rather than go on about how the Cubs choked (again) or WHY they choked (inexcusable defensive errors along with miserable outings from Ramirez, Soriano and Fukudome), let's talk about something else. We get a lot of flak here for being anti-Cubs. It's not so much that we're anti-Cubs as much as we're anti-Cubs-FANS.

I mean, really, when it comes right down to it, I can think of a multitude of reasons that Cub fans drive me insane. I'm not going to say that ALL Cub fans are assholes - there are a select few of you that know your shit and follow them as someone should follow any baseball team. No, the people in question are those explained below.


The First Circle of Hell:
This issue really affects REAL Cubs fans. These are the people that I can tolerate talking to, and don't want to kill immediately. The Cubs have a history of losing. Therefore, it drives me insane when halfway through April I start seeing "This is the Year" signs. This isn't the year. Neither is next year. Or last year. The Cubs ARE LOSERS. It's a terrible business model. Just ask Stormin' Norman. The best way to say "I don't like when you lose" is to stop buying tickets to games. You can still root for the team and drink Old Style as you watch the game on WGN, but don't give them your money to sit in the nosebleeds until they put out a contender. This point has dulled in recent years (the Cubs have actually had some decent regular season teams in the past 10 years), but they also have one of the top-5 priced seats, and still sell out every game. I understand bandwagon fans to an extent, but the fact that the Cubs are the "cherished" and "loved" team of Chicago for winning nothing in the past 100 years baffles me.

The Second Circle of Hell:
Who are these people that are buying seats? Are these "die-hard I love the Cubs in good times or bad" people? You wish. Tourists, drunks, and people that come to see the hot chicks on a hot day (nothing wrong with that). Let's face it - half of the crowd at Wrigley wouldn't know a DeRosa from a DiCaprio. I'm willing to bet that if I just showed movies on a big screen at Wrigley I could sell out the stadium for at least a month. People don't come to watch the Cubs as much as they come BECAUSE it's Wrigley. Sit around, drink beer, get a tan, look at hot chicks, piss in a trough, and call it a day. Frankly, I'd hate the Cubs a lot less if they built a new stadium (it's not quite right to make your fans pay extra to watch out for falling bricks).

The Third Circle of Hell / Halsted and Belmont:
Where the hell is the rivalry? Part of the reason that many Sox fans hate Cubs fans is because it gives us something to do. The season is long and drawn out, and many times both teams are completely awful. That city series gives us two big "playoff-style" series right in the middle of the year! We get a chance to play with something on the line, and cheer like it's the end of the world. And what do I get from some Cubs fans? "Oh, we wish the best for you guys. I'm a Chicago fan."


WHAT. THE. FUCK.

No. I refuse to allow that. Want me to translate that phrase? "I am a total fucking pussy who refuses to ally with any one team so that I can always be happy and never have to feel bad about losing." You people make me sick. You're not only a bandwagon fan in the worst regard, but you either don't give a rats ass about sports or have a secret allegience to one team. I know damn well that if the Sox advance after the Cubs get swept, you'll be telling all your friends you were "a Sox fan from the beginning" while you still have an apartment filled with Cubs memerobilia. It's not allowed. You're not "better than us" or "taking the high road" by not picking a team. No, you're a disgrace to fandom.

Worse still, I can't think of a single Sox fan that would go and root for the Cubs in the playoffs. This is partially because I have personally murdered every known offender. I have (and do) see Cubs fans doing this for the Sox, though. Go back to your shitsquad of losers. We don't need you wasting space in our stands. I'll bet you'd shell out big bucks to go to a Sox playoff game without even wearing black, you sonofabitch. I hate you. I hope you move to New York and get stabbed for attending a Yankees/Mets game while wearing unafiliated colors.

So, for you Cubs fans that do any of the above, please tell me why. Why do you insist on punishing yourself year after year by rooting for these losers? Why do you give them your money? Why do you allow yourselves to be affiliated with a team known as "The Loveable Losers?" What the hell fills you with an amazing feeling that you couldn't get after 13 beers on the beach and save $50?

I just don't get it, and probably never will.