Oh, and if you weren't watching

Note: This is NOT movie promo material

Look - I know it's been hard for the last 10 years to find an action star you really identify with. The 90's were so easy - Ahnold, Stallone, and Bruce Willis made life easy for you to find a likeable man who wasn't afraid to kill things for you. Nowadays, you have the occasional Ong-Bak or Jason Statham movie, but there really isn't a likeable killing machine around (oh, and whoever is calling out Vin Diesel can suck it. That guy couldn't kill a mortally wounded puppy).

THANKFULLY, we have the brilliant masterminds of Hollywood to thank for this:

That's right - in a movie about giving old, steroid-addled action stars another hurrah, Bruce Willis joins the already talented and beaver-tranquilizer-using cast of Stallone, Ahnold, Jet Li, Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Robers, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Mickey Rourke, and Steve Austin (wrestler, not $6 million man).

If this movie isn't just 2 hours of shit exploding and grimacing, I want my money back.

Another One?

I've fallen and I can't get up!

Pablo Ozuna - known as the sparkplug off the bench, a real hustler, and a high-octane cog in the 2005 Chicago White Sox lineup.

And now?

Another alleged cheater serving a 50-game suspension.

I normally would be really pissed right now, but the allegations are a little farfetched:

"Major League Baseball said he had an elevated ratio of testosterone to epitestosterone, a violation of its drug rules."

So...he's manly? Some people have higher testosterone naturally. In fact, I know some players that need to shoot some sort of insulin directly into their buttocks that helps them cope with their ability to hit home runs and...wait, what? Really? OH COME ON!

Hey Wait a Second

Please David...be my angel of mercy...

As much as people give the Cubs shit about being cursed, they didn't stick out so much until both the Red and White Sox broke their lasting slumps with World Series wins. The White Sox did it with ridiculous pitching and timely hitting, and the Red Sox did it on Schilling's fucked up ankle and a shitload of power bats.

The 2003 Red Sox had huge power hitters that crushed the opposition - guys like Jason Varitek, Trot Nixon and David Ortiz posted career highs in homeruns...

...hey, wait a second.

Aren't we in the midst of a "tainted piss from seven years ago" problem in baseball? Going with that stream of consciousness, that means the first story out of 2010 will be the 2003 cheaters...and I don't think the Boston faithful are going to like it.

Oh, you doubt me? Let's look at the tale of the tape!

Jeremi Giambi: Psh. He not only has already been busted for using 'roids, but has big brother Jason to help out in the land of doping.

Gabe Kapler: Kapler is also a known doper - two for two now. Hahaha, you guys are fucked.

Jason Varitek: Varitek cranked 25 homers, his highest in a single season. Varitek has actually been hitting in the 18-22 HR range for his career, so this one doesn't stick out as much as...

Bill Mueller: Mueller not only hit a career-high 19 HR (for a guy who averages 10 a year, that's a bit much), but he also upped his batting average by 40 points to hit .326 on the year. He never came close to either number again.

Trot Nixon: Experienced mysterious surge of power from 2001-2003, hitting 28 HR in 2003 (the most he put up in any year after that was 13 HR). Oh, and did I mention that his batting averge jumped 20 points as well to a career-high .306 (pretty impressive for a career .270 hitter).

David Ortiz: Here's the biggest name on the list. Ortiz played with Minnesota for years, hitting 20 HR in 2002 (his career best). Enter 2003, Ortiz becomes an all-powerful beast mode slugging machine. Ortiz cranked 31 in 2003, then 41, 47, and 54 in 04, 05 and 06, respectively. Since then (and likely since a hardcore steroid crackdown began), Ortiz's number dropped off dramatically, hitting 35 HR in 2007 and a paltry 23 HR in 2008.

Without going too deep into the numbers, you've already got three guys who put up career highs in HR, two known dopers, and one guy whose HR numbers briefly hit the stratosphere. If these signs don't point to 'roids, I don't know what does. I wonder if they undo championships...

Hey, how about those other 103 names on the 2003 list, eh?

The Big...Truth?

I can look myself in the mirror and know that I'm just an asshole - not a cheater.

With yet another steroid user leading the way in baseball, it's tough to want to give a damn right now. Really - you wait six years to release a piss sample from 2003? It's really tough to trust any success story in this league when your first instinct is to assume that the talent comes straight from steroids.

Well, except for one case.

See, there's this guy named Frank Thomas who not only vehemently denies ever touching the stuff, but goes out of his way to screw over people that DO take 'roids. He testified at the congressional hearing regarding steroids (you know, the one where Sammy Sosa mysteriously forgot how to speak English and required a translator), and he actually volunteered to help in the Mitchell Report (he was the only player). If there was ever a guy who wanted all the cheaters in baseball to go to hell and die, it's Frank Thomas.

Due to "certain individuals," Thomas' name is often forgotten, and is buried in the middle of the pack in the record books. Thomas had the same massive thighs and body his entire career, had roughly the same swing, and never really fluctuated wildly in size (see: Bonds, Barry). He never got "cut" using supplements, and the only change in his year-to-year was his gradually slowing down (due to a combination of age and injury). All in all, Thomas had a very consistent and plausible career. With yet another steroid user in the books, it makes Thomas' stellar performance stand out even more:

Currently, Thomas ranks 18th on the all-time homerun list, but he certainly rises up the ranks once you start crossing out people ahead of him: A-Rod, Sosa, Bonds, Palmeiro, and Mark McGwire all have some explaining to do. Ditto for all-time RBI, where Thomas currently enjoys 1700+ RBI.

Likewise, Thomas absolutely dominates in "skill, not power" categories. For starters, Thomas is one of only four players to to record at least a .300 average, 500 home runs, 1,500 RBIs, 1,000 runs and 1,500 walks - he's in good company with Mel Ott, Babe Ruth, and Ted Williams. And that's AFTER a few lousy seasons in Oakland and Toronto. Thomas also currently ranks 9th all-time for walks (and would be 8th if not for Bonds' "walk-o-matic" final seasons).

Assuming Thomas finds a taker this season (not to mention the ability to run), it will likely be his last in baseball. A man who is best known for being an asshole on his team and being a "pretty good hitter." No, he wasn't "pretty good" - he was probably the best of our era...and he did it clean.

As Frank said himself: "[I want to be remembered] as someone who locked in it every day, and someone who could get results from good technique."

More first-basemen? Well sign me up!

I'm so excited. Really.

I love how the White Sox are slowly phasing out their dependency on slow, slugging first basemen. Then, they go and fill their minor leagues with them. Now, they acquire more of them. Today's addition to the pile is Seth Loman, an ex-Angels (minor league) first baseman.

Interestingly, Loman seems to have a bit of a "gap" in his production. Most notably, 2006, where he hit .206 before magically rebounding in 2007 to hit .323. In 2008, he hit .350, slugging .709. Oh, and did I mention that his homerun totals went from 4 (2006) to 9 (2007) and then to 19 (2008)? Seems somewhat odd for a rapidly growing individual...

Well, 'roids or not, he was selected as a Top Independant League Prospect by Baseball America after being released by the Angels, and we like getting ex-Angels players (thanks for Bobby Jenks!) as of late. Here's hoping he pans out and got good all by himself instead of having some "artificial help."

Pro Bowl

So, the Pro Bowl votes have been "counted" (does anyone believe this is legit?) and despite our shitty season, the Bears are sending 4 beasts, all on D and special teams.

Tommie Harris, Brendon Ayanbadejo, Lance Briggs and obviously Devon Hester.

A solid group and I definitely agree with Briggs over Urlacher (Briggs has been our best player this season). Ayanbadejo is awesome (not to be confused with his roiding younger brother Obefami who we cut last year) although I wish we could use him more in a normal defensive set instead of just on special teams.

I thought Gould and Kruetz had a chance but… not to be.

While perusing the internet, I found the most amazing thing ever. Apparently, the Ayanbadejo brothers have their own website with a weekly video updating the world on their off-field exploits. You’ve gotta see this to believe it: (http://www.brotherup.com/).

A few observations:

-They’re obviously both on the same batch of roids.
-I can’t stop laughing
-Make sure to check out the link to their myspace page too. It's very amusing.

-The chick in the video has a nice rack

Enjoy.