Monday, April 6, 2009

Zambrano wants to destroy Wrigley


Somebody busted out the crazy sauce, because a Cubs player wants to blow up Wrigley and no one has busted out the torches and pitchforks. After seeing what a non-shithole looks like in the New Yankees Stadium, Carlos Zambrano had this to say after the game:

“You wish that Chicago’d build a new stadium for the Cubs.”

Really? You mean that pissing into a trough just doesn't have the same mass appeal? What about the whole "stadium is falling apart and reeks of shit" angle? I always thought that was part of the Cubs "legend."

“People are used to Wrigley Field,” he said. “As a fan it’s hard to think of a new ballpark.”

And there's the problem. No one should have to be "used to" Wrigley Field's issues. I have no complaints about there being a certain "old timey" effect to the park, and that's all well and good. But let's be real here - the place is a shithole and a dump. You can't even smell how bad Ronnie Woo Woo reeks because he blends into the other stenches of the ballpark.

Even though there isn't a chance in hell of the Cubs building another stadium (expect Wrigley to get landmark status within the next 10 years), we can still dream about the following advancements, can't we?

#1. Memories of 100 Years. The Yankees have their Monument Park, dedicated to the retired numbers of players past. The Cubs can have a couple of great sections from the last 100 years - "The Curse Breakers (all the crazy shit the Cubs have done to try and break the curse - from the Holy Water incident to blowing up the Bartman ball)." The "Scapegoats" - Bartman, Gonzalez, and the rest of the choke gang. Oh, and a special exhibit dedicated to Sosa - everything from that time he "accidentally" corked his bat, to the time he required a translator for Congress, to the fact that he couldn't find RF unless that discolored patch was on the grass.

#2. Suicide Booths. Why go through the trouble of watching the whole season just for the crushing defeat that is the playoffs? For a mere $5, you can save yourself the trouble with the Suicide Booth. Two for one deals are hot in October!

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Suicide Booth - Skip to the halfway mark
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#3. A dome. If Wrigley is going to continue smelling like shit, there's no reason to let it ruin the neighborhood. Close the dome after games and let the stink fester. If that doesn't encourage cleanliness, then I don't know what will.

#4. Directional Heat Lamps. Other than the beer, the girls are a huge Wrigley draw. But on those cold days, it's just not a proper baseball experience. If there were a way to transmit drunkeness through the air, I would say that the two go hand in hand:

#5. Individual Urinals. Seriously - it's time.

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