Monday, April 27, 2009

One Man's Obssession With Brian Anderson

Ice, Ice, Baby - look at my tan lines

For the uninitiated here, I am a HUGE Brian Anderson fan. Since 2006, I have found myself cheering for Anderson and rooting for his success at every chance. Every day I check the Sox box score to see how Anderson did, and this season, I'm finding myself happier than ever. Now, many of you have been wondering "why do you like Brian Anderson so much?"

#1. He is an immense tool. There is no "nice way to say this," so I'll just come out and say it. Brian Anderson is "that guy". Look at that photo at the top - it says it all. You know "that guy" who wears expensive Italian shoes with jeans? Anderson is that guy. What about that douche who wears sunglasses to look cool, but is obviously a huge dork? Anderson. Even that tattoo is an obvious failure. Let's take a close up look, shall we?

From a distance, it almost looks like that tattoo might mean something or at least look cool. Nope. Just two birds and the text "I Love You Kid, You Know That." Wow, that's cool. Did you go to watch Jermaine Dye get one of his tattoos and he call you out for not having one? THAT's gonna get you cred.

#2. Unrealized talent. Anderson, in addition to being an actual tool, is also a 5-tool player. He can hit for power, he can hit for average, he plays a great CF with a solid arm, and he has good speed. Until this season, all of those things were only realized in the minors. After Sunday's three-hit showing against Halladay, Anderson's average is up to .349 - the highest of any regular on the team - and he's sporting an obscene .835 OPS. He could be, and should be, a long term staple in center.

#3. He reminds me of Robert Redford in "The Natural." Come on - don't deny it. Just look at this:

And that's from Anderson's rookie card - he for sure looks more old and grizzled by now.

#4. The Quotes. One of the biggest motivators for Anderson to succeed is getting in front of the camera. In 2006, he had lots of camera time (speaking English narrows it down to 3 people), and turned it into a one-man show with brilliant quotes like this:

On a Thome bomb:
"Anything flying that distance should have a pilot."

On dealing with Ozzie:
"You learn real quick here that it's inevitable - you're going to get thrown under that bus."

On Tadahito Iguchi's game winning home run on a night where Anderson had two:
"It's fun. On the second one, I was running around thinking, 'This is going to be the big one of the game.' But I was way more excited when Iguchi hit his."

On hitting a home run off of a young pitcher:
"Obviously, it feels good any time you hit a home run...but the guy is only 19 years old. He's going to give up his fair share of home runs, but he'll also get his share of strikeouts, too."

On being a fucking retard (wish I could embed):
"Why did the little old Irish lady use 239 beans in her soup? Because one more would have been too fouhrty."

And of course, this little ditty from rookie hazing:

I highly encourage all of you to pledge your loyalty to this fine young man, so that we may all strive to be"Andersonian."


McDoofus said...

I think between you and I, we've got this whole "obsession with Brian Anderson" thing covered from both genders. I'm glad he looks like he's figuring this whole baseball thing out. It's about damn time.

Gepetto said...

And most importantly, Ozzie hates his guts but can't get rid of him.

McDoofus said...

Maybe Ozzie will like him now that he has some fuzz on his face. Makes him look grindy.

Gepetto said...

Or at least he has become one with puberty...

KC32 said...

There IS a reason for his Tattoo. His Grandpa had the same one. Theres a whole story behind it.