Running out of options

But coach, it holds just as much as the toilet, and it's PORTABLE!

With Torry Holt announcing that he's joining the Rams, the list of candidates for the Bears just shrank by one. Actually, it's more than that - Holt has great hands, runs crisp routes, and although his knee will forever be fucked up, he would have been an excellent posession guy for us. He was my top candidate.

Alas, we have to move on. Here's our remaining batch of hopefuls:

Rashied Davis (2:1):
If it's only mostly broken, don't bother fixing it. That's the rule with Davis, anyways. You know you have a problem when your most seasoned reciever after Hester is this guy. His "breakout campaign" last year consisted of 35 catches for 400+ yards and two touchdowns. I don't actually blame Davis for these numbers, though - while he may occasionally decide to have hands of brick, the offense really just didn't use him last season. The short game went to Forte/Olsen, the long game went to Hester, and everything inbetween was either a wounded duck or a case of intentional grounding. With Cutler at the helm, there's a chance for Davis to use his speed to shine.

Earl Bennett (5:1):
Of course, if Davis looks like crap in camp, there's always Bennett. I can't say much about him because he rode the bench all of last season. Zero catches. Aside from making a few waves in college, there's not a lot to go on. He's from Vanderbilt, and he was a third round pick. That's about it. Even so, Lovie has said that Bennett will be given "every chance" to earn the spot alongside Hester. If Davis tanks, this is the guy.

Matt Jones (20:1):
Jones, fresh off of a love affair with cocaine, is every bit the possession guy we need. While desperately trying to avoid jail time last year (and subsequently allowing my ragtag fantasy team of criminals to make the playoffs), Jones had a career year with 65 catches for 761 yards in only 12 games. He ran good routes, caught passes in traffic, and gave David Garrard a reason not to kill everyone in Jacksonville. Granted, there's a REALLY good chance Jones goes to jail for a while and doesn't play, or even that 2008 was a coke-induced fluke year. Even so, a junkie with good hands is still a guy with good hands - and he'll come cheap!

Marvin Harrison (30:1):
Probably not the guy you want right now. Marvin showed last year that he still has some gas in the tank, but the transmission is shot and he can no longer get out of 2nd gear. Marvin is big and can still make catches in traffic, but he's not going to stay healthy enough to play all season. Throw in the whole "past his prime" business and the fact that he's a name worthy of a larger price-tag, and I'm already scared away. Think Mushin Muhammad all over again.

Lance Moore (50:1):
Moore is actually a great fit here. 79 catches last year for just under 1000 yards and 10 touchdowns. The 3.7 average yards after a catch won't impress, but he'll throw himself at the ball to bring that sucker down. That said, why is Moore ranked so low here? He's a restricted free agent - signing Moore costs us a 2nd round pick. Seeing as we have about 2 picks in the entire 2009 draft, it's a little risky to give up one Moore (Ha! See what I did there?). Moore likely will want a long-term deal, and he does have Drew Brees-related stat inflation, but he's young and talented enough for us to use him as a backbone for years to come. I'd be happy to get Moore just for the immediate impact, but we'll see if his price tag dictates otherwise.

Plaxico Burress (100:1):
Unlike Matt Jones, who is simply addicted to crack, Plaxico is all sorts of retarded. First of all, shooting yourself is pretty fucking dumb. Yeah, I know Derrick Rose cut himself on an apple, but he wasn't trying to hide a knife by jabbing it into his arm. Plaxico is also a bit of a clubhouse cancer in addition to being an idiot.

That said, Plaxico is fucking amazing. He can flat-out run, makes insane catches, plays hurt (remember 2007 when he played all season with a limp and still wrecked the competition?), and would immediately make the Bears a Superbowl contender. Here's hoping that we're the ones ballsy enough to take a chance on this guy. Seriously.

Anquan Boldin (300:1):
Please oh please oh please oh please oh please. I don't care what it takes to get him, I don't care how much the Cardinals say they're not moving him - just MAKE IT HAPPEN. Boldin is the best wide reciever in the league right now (yes, better than Steve Smith, Larry Fitzgerald, Plaxico, Moss, TO, or whoever else you want to mention). I won't even go through the insanity that is his 2008 stat line. Suffice to say, I'd be content to trade every draft pick the Bears have through 2011 to get Boldin as a long-term Bear. Please.

Did I miss anyone? (and no, Joe Jurevicious does not count. Go home.)