Thursday, January 17, 2008

A Night On The Floor With Joakim Noah

[Inside the tunnel before the game]

Noah (in street clothes): Fuck yeah! . Time to beat these shitty Hawks!

Ben Gordon: Um, you’re playing tonight dipshit. Get your fucking uniform on. And we’re playing the Heat, for chrissake.

Noah: Oh, say what? Ok, shorter less awesome version of Kobe Bryant, I’m going to rock this shit old school.

[Noah runs back into the locker room, returns with his Florida jersey on]

Gordon: No, no you fucking idiot.

Noah: Fuck yeah! I’m gonna rock this shit. Is Brewer out there? I swear to God if that malnourished son of a bitch is there I’ll throw him a wicked oops upsideyohead. WHAT?! HARLEM WHAT?!

Coach Boylan: Ok guys, now the important thing to remember is try your best, and have fun out there, OK? Joakim, why are you we—

Noah: Nice try, Jimmy Crack Corn. That’s Mr. Noah to you. Did you know that my Dad won the French Open? What have you done with yourself?

Boylan: I’m sorry, Mr. Noah. Anyway guys...guys? Guys I need all eyes up here, OK? Luol, are you paying attention?

Deng: [Humming and mumbling unintelligible noises]

Boylan: Joak—I’m sorry. Mr. Noah, would you consider playing in your official Chicago Bulls jersey for tonight's game?

Noah: What? The Bulls? They fucking suck, I’m not gonna wear that shit. Florida, bitch that’s whassup! It’s Gatortime. Fuck it, after this game I’m gonna call Billy-D and tomorrow we’re gonna have a Florida Gator jersey for everyone. The Florida Gators of Chicago. Kind of got a nice ring to it. FUCK YEAH, LET'S GO!!!

[Runs out onto the court doing the ‘Gator Mouth’ arm thing]

Bulls win 126-96

[Back in the locker room]

Noah: [Runs into the locker room, screams like a dying hyena] FUCK YEAH!! DOUBLE DOUBLE BITCH! So, do I get into the Hall of Fame now, or tomorrow? Did you see that shit?

Ben Wallace: Look man, I know you’re happy about your double double, but that was two days ago. Also, maybe you should learn the plays for tomorrow, OK? I don’t think there’s a play where you take the ball the whole length of the court and then dunk.

[Noah takes shirt off and throws it at Nocioni]

Nocioni: AHHHHHH!

Noah: What’s the matter, Afroman? Weren't you supposed to make your free throws until you got high? Riddle me this, tiny center, when is the last time you got out of the single digits?

Coach Boylan: Ok guys, everyone gather around. Luol, come over here, get out of your locker.

Luol Deng: [More unintelligible mumbling, followed by an angry snort]

Boylan: OK, no need to get angry. You can just listen from over there. Now guys, I want everyone to know I’m really happy with the effort everyone put forward. I think we have a long way to go, but it’s a long season and I think we have found a nice—

Noah: Boooooooooorriiiiiiiiiiinnng! Listen, shit goes down like this: tonight was just a practice. Tomorrow the rise of the Florida Gators of Chicago begin! IT’S ON MOTHERFUCKERS!

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