Bulls Hit

I think the biker shorts put this one over the edge.

Screw the Bulls.

We get embarrassed on a nightly basis, coughing up any hope that we have in the 3rd or 4th quarter to secure a loss. The guys that are supposed to be our clutch "5th men" at times like these are either shooting 30% (I'm looking at you, Ben Gordon), or starting because there's no one worth playing instead. I can't sit by and watch anymore as the 90's Bulls are erased from memory.

I propose a drastic solution instead.

Last I checked, we have a certain NFL team that's on vacation for the next 9 months or so. This team is filled with large individuals trained for hours of contact sports at a time -- why not utilize them?

With that, I give you the first Chicago Bears basketball team.

PF: Brian Urlacher
A Power Forward is often regarded as your best defender, and I can't think of anyone better than Urlacher. He's not afraid to hit, certainly not afraid to be hit, and he can definitely cause some havoc in the post. Although he's not the tallest guy, he can certainly take some larger players down. Aside from the occasional back problems, should be good for 18 pts and 11 REB on any given night.

SG: Rex Grossman
A Shooting Guard is often the team's best scorer -- and when it comes to scoring, no one outdoes the Sex Cannon. Not content to shoot from inside the paint, Grossman's trademark shot will be retreating to the halfcourt line, and then shooting a fadeaway jumper. Plus, in a sport that's known for a SG taking a lot of hits, Grossman would be perfect -- he doesn't need to fake like Noch, because a stiff breeze would likely tear his ACL. If only he could dribble without breaking his hand...

C: Greg Olsen
Olsen is not exactly a huge guy. 6'6 makes him the biggest on the team, and probably the biggest player on the Bears. What sets Olsen apart, though, is that he has unexpected mobility and good hands. Give this guy a headband, and Olsen should be able to get more blocks and rebounds than Ben Wallace without even trying.

SF: Mushin Muhammad
Moose doesn't get a lot of credit for having good hands, but he runs solid routes and can work the playbook. He's able to command the offense, and although he lacks the athletic skills of a PG, his aging body can still handle small forward. Look for Moose to take few risks, and maintain a high shooting percentage. This is the guy you want on the line.

PG: Devin Hester
The Point Guard is usually the most athletic guy on the court -- you try telling me that isn't Hester. Able to set up quick drives, maneuver around defenders, and provide that breakaway "spark," there's no one I'd rather have in this spot than Devin Hester. He could certainly lead this offense, and he'd look good doing it. Best of all, in basketball, you only have to inbound the ball -- there's no one kicking it to you to fumble it.

Sixth Man: Lance Briggs
Briggs brings more than energy off the bench -- he brings bloodlust. Hockey has goons, so why not basketball? More like a Dennis Rodman-type player, Briggs will provide a burst of energy to a tiring team, and is rivaled only by Urlacher for his ability to destroy opposing players. He'd be a starter if he had more experience.

I can imagine watching this team dominate, can't you? Urlacher fights for a board, dishes it to Moose, who finds an open Hester. Hester bursts downcourt, and with one man to beat, passes it back to a wide-open Grossman for the 3. Oh, and replace the Luvabulls (YEARGH!) with the Honey Bears -- the cheerleading squad the Bears haven't had in years (you might want to get a new group, as they'll all be about 25 years older).

As Johnny "Red" Kerr would say, "This team looks like they could win if they scored points and prevented the other team from scoring."