Leave My Sports Alone!

That poor bastard never saw it coming.

OK -- this is the last straw. What the hell has happened to our precious sports? If I get off my ass to go to a game, I'm going to watch gigantic freaks of nature perform repetitive physical tasks. Occasionally, the beast task master will call out an instruction, resulting in an amazing feat of human ability. This is what sports are all about.

What the hell is with all the distractions!?

It was OK when they incorporated crap like Pizza races and "find the ball under the cup" (U.S. Cellular) because that just gives us more things to gamble on. It also allows the players time to adjust their cups without the whole stadium watching. I was also OK with the random "bring a truck out onto the field and throw T-Shirts at people" events because, hey, sometimes those chicks are hot. Also, when launching a free T-Shirt into a pile of drunken white trash, you're bound to get a good show. But that's where I draw the line -- I was all for the idea of an "immersive" experience, but this goes too far.

First of all, I hate the Pontiac Fundamentals section at U.S. Cellular. If I drag my kid to the game, you better believe I'm going to staple his ass to the seat and force him to watch the game. Get brainwashed, support the right Chicago team. None of this horse shit about "Daddy, I want to race Scott Podesdnik!" Fuck you! I want to race Scott Podsednik, but the fucking event operator said I was too old. What they should REALLY do is let the adults race with the kids. Make it into a bonding moment, and when drunken Daddy loses because the bitch behind the console turned up the accelerometer, I can just pound the shit out of a Podsednik cutout. Take that, you fucking pussy!

Also, what the hell is up with the Kiss Cam? Do we really need to ensure that the testosterone is removed from sports? I don't know why I would be dragging my significant other to the game to begin with, and while she might have a good time, she'd also bite my fucking head off for the rest of the game about how I embarrassed her by copping a feel on the Jumbotron. Likewise, if I didn't bring a chick to the game, I have the possibility of being placed next to the woman in the video above (or even the guy). Screw this shit -- we need a "Kill Cam" like in Running Man.

Let me watch my sports in peace. And no more videos of Shaq getting frisky with another man, please.