Today the Cubs acquired a fucking monstrous feat of automotive engineering. Just take a look at this thing:
In a related story, the Cubs signed the truck's owner, Jon Lieber, to his second stint with the club. Yes, you read that properly, Jon Lieber owns that monstrosity of American pride you see above.
In reaction, Lieber said the following:
'I am thrilled to be back here in Chicago, and I am eagerly anticipating my opportunity to collect my paychecks on the DL. Now, anyone know where can I park this fuckin thing?'
In all seriousness, though, this signing gives the Cubs two things they needed:
#1. Enough depth in pitching to make a trade to acquire Brian Roberts (send the kiddies off to Baltimore).
#2. The final person to kill to permanently erase proof that LaTroy Hawkins ever pitched for the Cubs.