Alonzo Spell(man)s Trouble

That was one hell of a party -- where am I?

A lot of you may have heard some disturbing news about me -- see, I've been diagnosed with what is known as "bipolar disorder," and it sometimes affects my personality and gets me into trouble. Some people tend to treat me differently because of it.

I WILL FUCKING KILL THE NEXT PERSON WHO LOOKS AT ME FUNNY -- YOU HEAR ME?! I WILL GOUGE OUT YOUR EYES AND SKULLFUCK YOU UNTIL YOU DIE FROM IT!

Phew -- sorry about that. See, sometimes I forget to take my medication, and it makes my condition worse. Most recently, I got involved with a little skirmish with the police, and they had to shoot pepper bullets through my car window to get me out. It was a little embarrassing.

I LOVE PEPPER BULLETS -- TWO SHOTS AND YOU'RE SOUTH OF THE BORDER! I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME TOPPINGS ON MY GODDAMNED EGGS! YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?! I'LL PUT SOME FUCKING PEPPER BULLETS IN YOUR ASS UNTIL YOU SNEEZE SHIT, ALRIGHT!?

Ahem. See, this isn't the first time it's happened badly, either. There was one time on Delta airlines that I...kinda threatened the entire crew and was barred from flying on any commercial airline without approval. I threatened to open a cabin door, warned of an impending crash, and terrorized the entire crew...and for that, I am sorry.

SORRY I DIDN'T FINISH THE JOB! I'M GOING TO GET BACK ON THAT PLANE AND GET MY 400 BAGS OF FUCKING PEANUTS AND TAKE A SHIT IN THE SKYMALL CATALOG! YOU LIKE THAT!? MOTHERFUCKER I'VE GOT CLEATS ON AND I KNOW HOW TO GRATE CHEESE!

Wow -- I should really get that checked out.