What the hell happened to: Mike Sirotka

"My junk looks FANTASTIC!"

Has it really been eight years since Mike Sirotka was last seen in a Sox uniform? Sirotka was one of the few pitching prospects produced by our farm system to pan out -- drafted in 1993, his numbers fluctuated from 1998-2000, but he eventually learned to pitch. In 2000, he had his best year yet -- 15-10 record with a 3.79 ERA -- leading us to the ALDS.

After the ALDS loss, we traded Sirotka to the Blue Jays for David Wells rather quickly...and sort of neglected to mention how Sirotka wrecked his labrum during his last start in the playoffs (it's OK -- Toronto never told us Wells was a whiny bitch who would miss almost the entire season...we'll call it even). After what was briefly called "shouldergate," Sirotka was indeed sent to Toronto, and never pitched in a major league game again.

What the hell happened to Mike Sirotka?

Well, he spent three seasons battling Kerry Wood for the record of simulated wins in a season, leading Toronto's simulated rotation to glory. He was then briefly on Pittsburgh before being released. The Cubs, having seen Sirotka on the South Side, acquired him in 2003, setting up the foundation for the best simulated staff in baseball (Wood, Prior, Sirotka, and Wade Miller). Alas, Wood and Prior remained healthy, and the chances for a Cubs simulated pennant run were shattered.

Sirotka dropped out of baseball after 2003, making him a bitch to track down -- but wait! Who is this guy from LSU named Mike Sirotka on LinkedIn who graduated in 1993? He apparently moved to Phoenix, starting "Just Like Home LLC" a properties management group...except that the real estate group doesn't seem to exist. Other than that LinkedIn listing, there's no information on that group existing...anywhere.

Which means...

Yes! Of course! Using his "Just Like Home" company as a front, Sirotka was able to import as much mortar, hispanic labor and beavers as needed for his master plan. He initially attempted to repair his left arm with the mortar, but upon discovering the severity of the injury, created a powerful steroid out of Venezuelan beaver cheese to train his right arm instead. Then, using the training of his hispanic co-horts, he learned to become one of them.

Obeying his feeling of loyalty to the Canadians, he bribed ex-Expo Javier Vazquez to retire early and spent the next two years impersonating him. Sirotka/Vazquez helped to tank the Yankees rotation to assist the Toronto Blue Jays. Then, when he realized that the White Sox were looking for pitching help, he made his move:

His revenge would be swift...