Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Grudge Match Of The Damned

For a change, both of these guys are either dead or pertain to death.

Last week's results: Eagleman steps on Gecko, defecates superior auto rates. What, did you actually expect the Gecko to win?

That said, let us welcome THE CHICAGO GRUDGE MATCH OF THE DAMNED!

Challenger: Svengoolie AKA Rich Koz

Bio: Avenging his father's death (Jerry Bishop, the original Svengoolie), Son of Svengoolie took center stage in the 80's and was killed off. He rose from the grave, took the name Svengoolie for himself in 1994, and has been haunting ever since.

Interesting Fact: When he first started, he encouraged viewers to address mail to "Lose Weight By Selling Real Estate, No Money Down" because the show had not yet been named.

Strengths: Rubber chickens, the word/location "Berwyn," and scoring dates with Elvira after one too many tequila slammers. Occasionally makes Peter Criss' makeup artist cry.

Weaknesses:
Direct exposure to sunlight, any other show on during his time slot. Is a sucker for corny humor and Alice Cooper.

Wow:
In a moment of weakness, was the host of "Fox Kids Club" and "The Koz Zone." Wow.


Defending Champ: Bozo The Clown AKA "I Will Fucking Cut You."

Bio: Not content to be killed just once, Bozo (mostly Bob Bell) has died more times than the Ultimate Warrior, spanning four decades and multiple corpses (Bob Bell, Joey D'Audria, Ray Rayner, and Roy Brown, just to name a few).

Interesting Fact: April 18th is apparently "Bob Bell Day," according to Richard M. Daley. We also apparently have a day named after a Polish guy.

Strengths: Can absorb the blows from a thousand pies. Mighty Mouse owes him a favor. According to Highlander rules, as each Bozo dies, the remaining Bozo become stronger.

Weaknesses: Is currently dead. Actually agreed to have Billy Corgan perform "Forever Young" on his last show. There can be only one.

Wow:
Dan Castallaneta of the Simpsons credits Bozo as his inspiration for the voice of Krusty the Clown. Wow.


Vote for your winner in the comments!

5 comments:

Allen said...

bozo I suppose itd b a pretty weak fight with most of them dancing around eachother the entire time until bozo suffocates him with a whip cream pie.

The TPC said...

NO doubt its svengoolie, the guy is a legend.

Keggers said...

This is the best one yet!

Gotta go with "I'll fucking cut you" the clown. Even if Svengoolie took him out, they'd just put some other dude in the clown suit. Eventually, you'd have to assume that the goolie would get sick of killing clowns and die from exhaustion.

Great post.

Dr. C said...

I'll go with Bozo the Clown..It's kinda like the Crow..only more colorful makeup and minus the crow...

sigh, I digress

Trogdor said...

Forget Koz. I called into his afternoon show a million times trying to win one of those crappy Tiger Electronics LCD handhelds. Yeah they were shitty, but I was 9.

It's the clown all the way. He's known nationwide. Also, he let little kids have another chance if they missed the first bucket during the Grand Prize Game. Plus, I grew up down the street (about 4 blocks) from good ol' WGN Studios where they filmed the show.