A Meeting with Ron Turner

"I knit this tie myself."

[Enter Turner to Soldier Field filled with Bears players]

Turner: OK guys, I know we had a bit of a rough season, but I think with the proper coaching we can set things right. Being a good offensive coordinator comes down to one thing -- the ability to coordinate.

Let's start at our major weak spot -- Hester.

Hester: What?!

Turner: Devin, I'm sorry, but defenses are going to be expecting us to use you, so we have to keep you out of the offense as much as possible. But that doesn't mean we can't utilize you to your full potential as a contributing member of the team! Here's my car keys -- why don't you go pump me some gas? You're going to be riding the bench for the rest of next year anyways.

Hester: Whatever, man [Leaves]

Turner: Now, for our next order of business, we need to get a real sparkplug in our offense...how about you, Curtis?

Enis: I don't even know how I got here! Some guy paid me $5 to touch my toes and then touch my dick, and when I woke up, I was here!

Turner: No matter. You're going to be our star player, Curtis. We can build the offense around you, as no one will suspect a running game from us this year. It was my plan last year to make our running game pathetic and worthless, and now it will pay off big time in 2008!

Benson: What about me?

Turner: Cedric, I think you would be best utilized as our punt returner instead of Hester. With you returning punts, we won't have to worry about the kicker kicking it out of bounds -- we'll have a chance to run the ball back every play!

Benson: But...I'm not as good of a return man as Hester.

Turner: Of course not! But at least we'll have more OPPORTUNITIES to return punts! Now go take that ego boost and use it to ask for a contract extension. Bwahahaha!!!

Bernard Berrian: [Aside] We gotta get Hester back in here, he'd know how to stop this madman...

[Berrian leaves, cut to outside where Devin Hester is pumping gas]

Hester: What does that asshole want now?

Berrian: Devin, we gotta stop this guy -- it's out of control!

Hester: Ok, I have a plan (inaudible whispering)

[Cut back to field]

Turner [Frothing at mouth]: Yes! Yes! And then we'll start a four TE front with Olsen, Clark and Gibson!

Olsen: That's only three.

Turner: Exactly! Then we'll start Rex at TE! No defense would be expecting that!

Hester: [From behind] OK guys! Now! Die you sonofabitch!


Turner: AUGH!!! I'm melting! Melting! Oh what a world, what a world...