Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Grudge Match of the Damned

Neither of these guys are dead, but this image is still pretty sweet.


Last week's results: Empire Carpet guy wins (Menards guy suffers heart attack before fight begins).

That said, let us welcome THE CHICAGO GRUDGE MATCH OF THE DAMNED!

Challenger: Geico Gecko

Bio:
Born in 1936, the Geico Gecko spent 60 years evolving to the point where it could walk upright and comprehend our language. It was first spotted in 1999, and has not shut up since.

Interesting Fact: Was originally voiced by Kelsey Grammar -- and then inexplicably turned British (Dave Kelly).

Strengths: Incredible speed, British wit. Face is mutated into a perpetual grin, giving him the ultimate poker face. No visible genitals to strike.

Weaknesses: Any food that needs to be chewed, long stretches of land without shelter. Cannot tolerate white wine served with a dish that has a red sauce. No visible genitals to enjoy.

Wow: Although portrayed as diminutive in the Geico commercials, is often a 5"9 man in a suit. Wow.



Defending Champion: Eagleman

Bio: Man spliced with eagle, creating the ultimate patriotic figure. Date of birth unknown, but first sightings in Chicago occurred in 1961.

Interesting Fact: I actually know the guy who wears this suit. Really.

Strengths: Speaks in deep, commanding voice. Possesses ability to speak our language despite having a beak instead of lips. Can fly, and lay eggs at will that will instantaneously hatch, producing cognizant babies holding insurance information.

Weaknesses: CFC's, inexplicable attraction to garbage wharfs. May have down syndrome. Is also totally whipped by Eaglewoman.

Wow:
Once worked with Erich "Mancow" Muller in a commercial. Wow.

Vote for your winner in the comments section!

9 comments:

bloomerang said...

Let's see. One is a loveable animated character that saves you money, and the other is one of those human/animal hybrids that our president warns us about. Obviously it's the Gecko.

Allen said...

eagleman

Mark said...

Eagleman would kick that other guy's ass. And you need to get a job.

bloomerang said...

Is that the royal 'You'? The editorial?

Gepetto said...

I think it was just me. And I'll have you know that AT my job, I just dealt with someone who lives on a street called "Dinglehole Road." Really -- it's in New York (I wonder if Keggers has thought of moving there).

In any event, my vote is for Eagleman. "You can't beat these!"

Keggers said...

Eagleman for sure. This is a no-brainer.

Sidenote: Dinglehole road is slang for meet me after work in gay circles.

I would know.

Also, don't let him pitch the first time, its demoralizing.

Gadi said...

I refuse to vote since this should be posted on letsdukeitout.com

Dr. C said...

Eagleman..he's got lower rates

fliegs said...

As much as I hate the little British foreigner, I gotta say I love their slogan, " you can save a bunch of money by switching to gieko," plus I think they do a much better job with their advertising/Marketing; How many great commercials have you seen on TV or on the radio? and yet how many commercials does Eagleman have, 2? I really enjoy gieko's marketing strategy and yet I still feel like running over that stupid Gecko!