Grudge Match of the Damned

Neither of these guys are dead, but this image is still pretty sweet.

Last week's results: Empire Carpet guy wins (Menards guy suffers heart attack before fight begins).

That said, let us welcome THE CHICAGO GRUDGE MATCH OF THE DAMNED!

Challenger: Geico Gecko

Bio: Born in 1936, the Geico Gecko spent 60 years evolving to the point where it could walk upright and comprehend our language. It was first spotted in 1999, and has not shut up since.

Interesting Fact: Was originally voiced by Kelsey Grammar -- and then inexplicably turned British (Dave Kelly).

Strengths: Incredible speed, British wit. Face is mutated into a perpetual grin, giving him the ultimate poker face. No visible genitals to strike.

Weaknesses: Any food that needs to be chewed, long stretches of land without shelter. Cannot tolerate white wine served with a dish that has a red sauce. No visible genitals to enjoy.

Wow: Although portrayed as diminutive in the Geico commercials, is often a 5"9 man in a suit. Wow.

Defending Champion: Eagleman

Bio: Man spliced with eagle, creating the ultimate patriotic figure. Date of birth unknown, but first sightings in Chicago occurred in 1961.

Interesting Fact: I actually know the guy who wears this suit. Really.

Strengths: Speaks in deep, commanding voice. Possesses ability to speak our language despite having a beak instead of lips. Can fly, and lay eggs at will that will instantaneously hatch, producing cognizant babies holding insurance information.

Weaknesses: CFC's, inexplicable attraction to garbage wharfs. May have down syndrome. Is also totally whipped by Eaglewoman.

Wow: Once worked with Erich "Mancow" Muller in a commercial. Wow.

Vote for your winner in the comments section!

Obligatory Bulls Story

Yeah, that's right. On a day when two teams advanced to the next round of the NFL Playoffs, the two best teams in the East and West played each other, I'm writing about the Bulls. Why?



Because Afroman earned his paycheck tonight. Old Big Ben blocked (former Bull, current white trash) Brad Miller's shot with little time left as the Bulls go onto beat the Kings. True, he can't jump, he can't rebound, he definitely can't shoot, and he has carnie hands. But tonight, he is the hero.

Laugh it up, Windy City. As an obsessive and usually angry Kings fan (Come on, it's the only sport we have in Sacramento) I can say that it is no accomplishment. I know, because I came to that result after the Kings beat the Knicks the other night.....and then lost to the UnbelieveaBulls.