Sunday, January 6, 2008

Mock You!-Mock Draft Analysis

Sure it's only Wild Card Weekend, but does that mean it's too soon to look at some of the mock drafts floating around? If you say the answer is yes, then fuck off. How's that for a well constructed argument?

The following mock draft was compiled by the fine folks at Windy City Gridiron.

1st- Pick 14
Jeff Otah, OT, Pittsburgh

I don't know anything about Jeff Otah. According to the words I just typed above, he played for Pittsburgh. From what I can recall about college this year, Pittsburgh beat West Virginia in the last game of the season, and West Virgina put the smizack down on Oklahoma last week. My high school mock trial coach would disagree with me, but I say this means Jeff Otah can beat Oklahoma. That's pretty snazzy. Then again his name is close to Utah, and when I think of Utah I think of Karl Malone and all the annoying he did to Michael Jordan. Once again, my mock trial coach would most likely disagree that this is no reason not to draft the guy, but he drove a Datsun with a mini disco ball hanging from the rear view mirror and wore corduroy ties. Than again I just read that Michael Lewis book The Blind Side, and he says that the only player that are more important than the LT on any given team is the starting quarterback. That means that no matter how awesome Jeff Otah is, this guy makes more money than him:

But we do need help on the line, so I say he's a good pick.

2nd- Pick 45
Brian Brohm, QB, Louisville

I would be happy to take the time to write out a list of all the starting quarterbacks we have had since the 1985 Super Bowl, but I would most likely work myself up into such an angry fervor, I would end up scrubbing myself down with steel wool and crying in the shower again. Then again, look at the digital representation of that sexy bastard. The Orson Wells-esque low angle and the way the sun sets in his presence leads me to believe we may be on the verge of a second to speak.

3rd- Pick 77
Michael Hart, RB, Michigan

Obviously Mike Hart didn't have any trouble convincing Lloyd Carr that his being just a Hobbit's hair shorter than 4 feet tall wasn't a knock against him. Unless this loud mouthed midget can return the ring to Mount Doom, I remain dubious. Plus look at the list of Michigan rejects the Bears have drafted in the past. On second thought, don't. Shit, I just did. I need to take a bath now.

4th- Pick 90
Michael Hamlin, SS, Clemson

When people bring up the idea of drafting a solid safety from an SEC school I kindly remind them that we have Mike 'Motherfucking' Brown. Then they kindly remind me that the ligaments surrounding Mike 'Motherfucking' Brown's knees are made out of apple cores and cotton candy. I then get them in a headlock and give them a nuggy that would send Mike Brown back to the IR by week 4.

4th- Pick 109
Nic Harris, FS, Oklahoma

If you accuse me of choosing this photo simply because it shows a dirty Oklahoma Sooner trying in vain to tackle the human bowling ball that is Hugh Charles, well the guilty as charged. Fuck yeah. Go Buffs.
Oh. Sorry. What? More defense? I'm all for it. If he's good enough to start for Bob Stoops, he's certainly good enough for Bob Babcock---I mean Babitch. I do that a lot.

1 comment:

Gepetto said...

I like how you used the EA Sports photo -- was that the best you could do?