Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Happy New Year (Part 2)

Continuing the trend of lunacy for 2008.

2008 White Sox:

Sox trade Dewon Day and Joe Borchard's leftover luggage for a free tour to the glue factory. They then euthanize Uribe, creating enough glue to last Crede's back an entire season. Sox use leftover cap money to purchase contracts of Man Soo Lee and Shingo Takatsu. Both do nothing other than please Japanese media, resulting in 95 wins. Sox sweep playoffs by forcing the opposing team to start Matt Clement in each game (we have practice annihilating him in the playoffs). By season's end, Jenks tries Babe Ruth's diet of Hotdogs and hookers. Breaks belt, and record for homeruns after converting from pitcher to DH.


2008 Chicago Cubs Vaginas:

Cubs sell field name to Kotex, become Chicago Vaginas. Use money from sale to purchase contracts of Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, and Rafael Palmeiro, breaking the record for the number of steroid abusers on one team. The City of Chicago holds a parade for this event during the Sox playoff run because, hey, it's not like there's anything else going on. During the parade, Skullfuck gets drunk and is ultimately deported for indecent exposure and for not making eye contact (damn slanty eyes). After a 2-10 start, the Vaginas start showing Rookie of the Year in Kotex Field because no one there really watches the game anyways. Henry Rowengartner reinjures his arm, and the Vaginas decide to let him walk. Rowengartner then goes on to win the Cy Young four years in a row with a different team. Go figure.

"What's a ZJ?"
"If you have to ask, you can't afford it."

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