Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Bandwagon Fan's Guide To Chicago Sports

"Three months ago, I thought the Cubs were the the football team!"

With the Bulls, Bears, Sox, and Cubs all playing poorly (don't lie, Cubs fans. You won your division by default -- nothing more), now is a good time to describe the rules of being a bandwagon fan in Chicago. With the number of teams we have, it's pretty easy to jump allegiances one or more times per year. All the 2005 Sox fans became 2006 Bears fans to become 2007 Cubs fans. If you ask any one of those people who their favorite team is now, they'll probably say "Oh, I don't have a favorite team," or "the New England Patriots."


Here is your fool-proof guide on how to be a better band-wagoner:

Step #1: Look up the record of every team playing the sport you wish to ally with. Make sure you wait until there are just a few weeks left in the season, so that you're obviously associated with a winner.

Step #2: Find the team with the highest number in the FIRST category, and the LOWEST in the second category (e.g., 35-2). This is the team you will be obsessing about.

Step #3: Learn the name of at least two people on the team. Try to stick to players that have easy-to-read names as not to sound like an idiot when you try and pronounce "Theriot" or "Richar." It doesn't matter if the only name you can pronounce is "Joe Smith," as long as he's on the team. Also, feel free to make someone your "favorite player" simply because he is attractive, and not because of skill.

Step #4: Buy as much merchandise as you possibly can. The more team-related clothing you're wearing, the more of a fan you'll be.

Step #5: Don't attend any sporting events until the season is almost over. Then, as the last games wind down, make sure to show up wearing all your team gear, and talking about how you've always been such a big fan. Also, feel free to yell "Come on, TEAM NAME HERE!" at least once every 15 minutes to show that you're a bigger fan than everyone else.

Step #6: If something bad happens or if your team is losing, sulk and complain. For example, if Rex Grossman throws an INT, be sure to remark about how the game/season is now surely over, and that you're so upset. Try and react as over-the-top as possible. Tell as many fans as possible to ensure that they know how big a fan you are. Immediately stop supporting the team you chose, and proceed to step 8.

Step #7: If your team continues to win, be sure to tell people that you've been a fan all along, and that "TEAM X" has always been your favorite team since you were a kid. Continue to do this until the season is over.

Step #8: Choose a new team for the next sport.

Step #9: Jump off a cliff. Seriously.

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