Well That Was Depressing

YOUR MAGIC INSULIN - YOU MUST GIVE IT TO ME. THE FATE OF THE WORLD DEPENDS ON IT!

I don't think that Cutler is really to blame for last night's shitshow, but he's certainly the "face of the franchise" enough where we can (try to) blame it on him. Let's see where the blame really falls, shall we?

Bears Defense:
(2/5 retards)
While they didn't look particularly punishing, and they didn't really manage to put any sort of pressure on Matt Ryan, it wasn't a terrible effort. Sure, there were a bunch of blown plays where the defense seemed to be confused about what position they play (hint: it's defense) before the snap, and there were definitely some blown coverages. That said, they still managed a slightly-better-than-terrible game with their third reserve linebacker in the fray - they managed to break Norwood before he broke them, and Michael Turner was limited for the most part.

Bears Offense:
(3/5 retards)

Now we're getting somewhere. Cutler made a few retarded throws (my personal favorite being the rifle shot 10 yards downfield of Greg Olsen...right into a Falcon), and Matt Forte is becoming my least favorite player on the squad. You can't fumble EVERY SINGLE DOWN and expect to win the game. That said, even though the ground game was shit, Cutler had a sick run in the 4th to set up an Olsen TD, and receivers sacrificed themselves (see: Earl Bennett's catch that set the Bears up for 4th and 1) in order to keep the game close. Even with their fuckups, we still scored twice.

Special Teams:
(4/5 retards)

That "too many men on the field" penalty is worth two retard points all by itself. When you've just stopped their offense, the last thing you want to do is say "Hey! How about you guys give it another go?" Throw in some lax return defense (I don't even want to think about the returns in the 4th quarter from the past two years), and you've got yourself a scapegoat in the making.


Offensive Line:
(5/5 retards or 1 Ron Turner)

And THERE's your cause of failure. When the Falcons can bring a three man rush against FIVE of our fatasses and STILL put Cutler on his ass, you have a problem. When the Offensive Line commits penalty after penalty to push you out of the red zone, that is a problem. When Orlando Pace draws a brutal penalty on a must-get 4th and 1, you've got yourself a full retard. You never go full retard.

This offense needs...

...Urlacher?!

According to Ron Turner, the Bears offense needs a playmaker. According to the rest of the world, the Bears offense needs less of Ron Turner. Since Ron Turner apparently has more say about the offense than we do (...damn), we need to listen to his suggestions to get a big "Playmaker Receiver."

What could a big-name receiver possibly do here? We can't even utilize the talent we already have, and the Bears have never been a big gunslinging team like the Packers, Cowboys, or any team Kurt Warner has played on. We already have a deep threat in Hester, but we just can't utilize him. Is it because he's too slow to get open? Please.

The real issue, and I hate to say it, lies with Kyle "Neckbeard" Orton. When it comes to passing 15 yards or less, Orton is ideal for our offense. He plays smart, his short passes are accurate, he doesn't make a lot of mistakes, and he's generally fast enough in his decisions to make our offensive line look better than they really are.

The problem, really, is when Orton has to throw more than 15 yards. Unlike Grossman, Orton doesn't throw the wounded duck passes nearly as often (resulting in the fabled Retarded Ostrich), but he can't really air it out like Grossman could either. The deep ball is not served in Ortonia - his long balls are underthrown, wobbly, and generally off-target. As a result, the Bears don't (successfully) take many downfield chances.

If Turner wants a bigger receiving threat, he needs to start with the QB. If there's no deep pass to stretch the field, it means that the only consistent passing options Orton has are short dump-offs to Forte and quick outs to Olsen. As a matter of fact, I think I just described 70% of Kyle's completed passes in 2008.

The only available receiver I can think of that can turn any shitty pass into gold is Anquan "Team Player" Boldin. If, for some reason, the Bears decide to throw the rest of their cap room at Boldin, far be it from me to complain.

Otherwise, certain names come to mind as possible replacements (Matt "Brady Lite" Cassell, Byron Leftwich, Kurt Warner), but then you run into trouble with protecting the QB - does anyone remember how much Chris Chandler got railed when he was here? Spending more money/players on someone who may not be able to adjust to a shitty gameplan (see: Cassell) could be disastrous.

Please, Bears, play it safe. Draft a WR in the first round to make yourselves happy, and then spend the rest of the picks on O-Line and defensive players (at least you can draft those well). Hell, draft a QB late to pretend that you're going to groom him to compete with Caleb Hanie - I don't care. Hopefully, 2009 will bring more hope than this year did.

Press Conference

Phew! It's awfully hot under these interview lights. Let me tell you, there is no excuse for the way we performed today. I was watching the same game you guys were, and there's no mistaking it: we deviated from the gameplan.

Did you guys see Kyle out there today? He had two passing touchdowns - two! - and no interceptions. We're not running some Peyton Manning-style bullshit out there, Kyle! I expect to see at least two picks. And that rushing TD? What the fuck was that?! That play was supposed to have you get mauled in the pocket while your receivers all run in circles! I don't care if the season is over - we're going to practice the ZJ-Right-66 until next season if we have to in order to get it right!

Oh, and don't get me started on Devin. I had such high hopes for this kid on offense. Did you see the way that he took our offensive scheme to heart and completely stopped functioning on kick returns? Hell, we had to give the job to Ladyname Manning. That's true commitment right there! So why am I seeing six catches for 85 yards? You know what that looks like to me, Devin? That looks like showmanship. You think you're better than the playbook? There's a reason that you don't run any routes that take advantage of your speed! Remember we tried that, and for a few times, it worked when Kyle would horribly underthrow you. But making catches in stride? Just who the hell do you think you are!? Respect the coach!

Phew...I'm sorry, it's just that gameday gets me all riled up. You know how it is. Uh, I guess what I really want to say here is that while this season wasn't perfect, we did still manage to lose enough games to miss the playoffs. You can't lose every game - the Lions just happen to be the best at what they do. I'm going to be studying a lot of their tape in the offseason as they are the team to be beaten by next year, if you know what I mean.

A Meeting with Ron Turner

"I knit this tie myself."

[Enter Turner to Soldier Field filled with Bears players]

Turner: OK guys, I know we had a bit of a rough season, but I think with the proper coaching we can set things right. Being a good offensive coordinator comes down to one thing -- the ability to coordinate.

Let's start at our major weak spot -- Hester.

Hester: What?!

Turner: Devin, I'm sorry, but defenses are going to be expecting us to use you, so we have to keep you out of the offense as much as possible. But that doesn't mean we can't utilize you to your full potential as a contributing member of the team! Here's my car keys -- why don't you go pump me some gas? You're going to be riding the bench for the rest of next year anyways.

Hester: Whatever, man [Leaves]

Turner: Now, for our next order of business, we need to get a real sparkplug in our offense...how about you, Curtis?

Enis: I don't even know how I got here! Some guy paid me $5 to touch my toes and then touch my dick, and when I woke up, I was here!

Turner: No matter. You're going to be our star player, Curtis. We can build the offense around you, as no one will suspect a running game from us this year. It was my plan last year to make our running game pathetic and worthless, and now it will pay off big time in 2008!

Benson: What about me?

Turner: Cedric, I think you would be best utilized as our punt returner instead of Hester. With you returning punts, we won't have to worry about the kicker kicking it out of bounds -- we'll have a chance to run the ball back every play!

Benson: But...I'm not as good of a return man as Hester.

Turner: Of course not! But at least we'll have more OPPORTUNITIES to return punts! Now go take that ego boost and use it to ask for a contract extension. Bwahahaha!!!

Bernard Berrian: [Aside] We gotta get Hester back in here, he'd know how to stop this madman...

[Berrian leaves, cut to outside where Devin Hester is pumping gas]

Hester: What does that asshole want now?

Berrian: Devin, we gotta stop this guy -- it's out of control!

Hester: Ok, I have a plan (inaudible whispering)

[Cut back to field]

Turner [Frothing at mouth]: Yes! Yes! And then we'll start a four TE front with Olsen, Clark and Gibson!

Olsen: That's only three.

Turner: Exactly! Then we'll start Rex at TE! No defense would be expecting that!

Hester: [From behind] OK guys! Now! Die you sonofabitch!


Turner: AUGH!!! I'm melting! Melting! Oh what a world, what a world...