This offense needs...

...Urlacher?!

According to Ron Turner, the Bears offense needs a playmaker. According to the rest of the world, the Bears offense needs less of Ron Turner. Since Ron Turner apparently has more say about the offense than we do (...damn), we need to listen to his suggestions to get a big "Playmaker Receiver."

What could a big-name receiver possibly do here? We can't even utilize the talent we already have, and the Bears have never been a big gunslinging team like the Packers, Cowboys, or any team Kurt Warner has played on. We already have a deep threat in Hester, but we just can't utilize him. Is it because he's too slow to get open? Please.

The real issue, and I hate to say it, lies with Kyle "Neckbeard" Orton. When it comes to passing 15 yards or less, Orton is ideal for our offense. He plays smart, his short passes are accurate, he doesn't make a lot of mistakes, and he's generally fast enough in his decisions to make our offensive line look better than they really are.

The problem, really, is when Orton has to throw more than 15 yards. Unlike Grossman, Orton doesn't throw the wounded duck passes nearly as often (resulting in the fabled Retarded Ostrich), but he can't really air it out like Grossman could either. The deep ball is not served in Ortonia - his long balls are underthrown, wobbly, and generally off-target. As a result, the Bears don't (successfully) take many downfield chances.

If Turner wants a bigger receiving threat, he needs to start with the QB. If there's no deep pass to stretch the field, it means that the only consistent passing options Orton has are short dump-offs to Forte and quick outs to Olsen. As a matter of fact, I think I just described 70% of Kyle's completed passes in 2008.

The only available receiver I can think of that can turn any shitty pass into gold is Anquan "Team Player" Boldin. If, for some reason, the Bears decide to throw the rest of their cap room at Boldin, far be it from me to complain.

Otherwise, certain names come to mind as possible replacements (Matt "Brady Lite" Cassell, Byron Leftwich, Kurt Warner), but then you run into trouble with protecting the QB - does anyone remember how much Chris Chandler got railed when he was here? Spending more money/players on someone who may not be able to adjust to a shitty gameplan (see: Cassell) could be disastrous.

Please, Bears, play it safe. Draft a WR in the first round to make yourselves happy, and then spend the rest of the picks on O-Line and defensive players (at least you can draft those well). Hell, draft a QB late to pretend that you're going to groom him to compete with Caleb Hanie - I don't care. Hopefully, 2009 will bring more hope than this year did.