Sunday, January 18, 2009

Excuses Excuses

I'm Carlos Zambrano, director of P.U.S.S.Y. I'd like to tell you about the Loveable Losers initiative.

Just when you think that the Cubs faithful have put '08 behind them (like the last 99 times), they go out and pull something like this:

In 18 starts he'd posted a 10-3 record and 2.84 ERA, but after the break there was a noticeble difference in the mercurial hurler. In his final 12 starts he went on to put up a 4-3 record, which isn't horrible or anything, but an ERA of 5.80 wasn't exactly anything to be proud of. Not to mention his WHIP was 1.23 before the break, and 1.41 after.

It led a lot of folks to wonder if there was something wrong with Carlos...well, it seems that Cubs fans can stop worrying because we may have found the culprit. Apparently Carlos has been having as tough a time seeing his fastball as opposing hitters do because according to, Big Z is planning to undergo LASIK eye surgery before the start of spring training.You've got to be kidding me.

Since when does Lasik fix years of abuse by the pitching staff, sending the self-proclaimed workhorse out for 120+ pitches per outing? Will it magically repair his shoulder fatigue and other ailments? I don't recall Zambrano's location being off as much as him having shoulder problems. Oh, and last I checked, Zambrano didn't lose his playoff start by himself - his defense botched enough plays to make him want to tear his eyeballs out himself.

Carlos also went on to say that glasses and contact lenses aren't an option because he doesn't like wearing glasses, and can't stand putting the contacts into his eyes.

Oh boo hoo, Carlos. Is this the same guy who likes to scream and yell and intimidate on the mound? Last I checked, Lindsey Fucking Lohan could wear contacts without a problem.

If we're getting Lasik for one Cubbie, why not for the rest of the infield as well? They seem to develop some blurred vision come October.

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