Tuesday, January 6, 2009

DeRosa was traded to make room for MILTON BRADLEY!?!?

What a twist! (groan)

In a move that surprises no one (not even the Parker Brothers), the Cubs acquired Milton Bradley. It seems almost like trading DeRosa was a move to free up salary for this sort of event...what a twist! Here's some things to look forward to with Bradley joining the team.

#1. Fan service. Milton Bradley is the sort of guy you don't fuck with. Needless to say, the Cub Bleacher Bums will give Bradley all sorts of creative heckling. "Did you know you have the same name as that board game dude?" Baseball through the face. Just like that. MB (no one is intimidated by the name "Milton." Apologies to all self-proclaimed badasses named Milton) does not take shit from you. Expect at least one instance where booing from Wrigley - yes, they boo - will cause MB to kill someone, or at least attempt to give them an enema with his water bottle. I'm looking forward to it.

#2. The clusterfuck outfield. Where's the fun in having all of your positions filled with a starter? Bradley is supposedly penciled in to play RF...meaning that Fukudome is being paid to ride pine or platoon with Bradley and Reed Johnson, who appears to be the frontrunner for CF at this point. If there's anyone that needs to trade some excess baggage instead of signing players, it's the Cubs. Fontenot and Cedeno by themselves could probably net a legit CF. Oh well.

Tangent: What the fuck is Soriano still doing in the outfield!? Yes, he has a cannon arm - big deal. His bunny hops evoke memories of a certain name I'd like to forget, and it's not really his natural spot. With DeRosa gone, why hasn't there been any talk of moving Soriano back to the infield? Moving Soriano frees up LF for Bradley, keeping Fukudome in RF (he's likely going to rebound this year - especially for what he's getting paid). The infield is then Lee, Ramirez, Soriano, and the winner of the Theriot/Cedeno/Miles/Fontenot shootout with the rest becoming backups/utility players/traded. Oh, did I mention that the infield is a clusterfuck too? Forgot about that.

#3. The inevitable injury. MB is a fragile and delicate flower. The guy played at DH last year, and STILL managed to get hurt. Earlier attempts to get him into the outfield were met with shortened seasons. With that whole "no DH" thing going down in the NL, it seems unlikely that Bradley is going to survive long. While there's no mistaking that MB can hit from both sides of the plate, it doesn't do much good if he's wearing a cast. Oh, and when he goes down, see item #1 at the top of this list.

The Cubs need to make a run at a legit CF like Coco Crisp (side note - what percentage of people in baseball have retarded parents? Just wondering). Oh, and for those of you that missed it earlier, insert lame Parker Brothers joke here.

Bring on MLB 2009

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