Good News Keeps On Coming

So much good news at once...I just don't know what to do! I guess we'll take it from the top:

Announcement #1: Javier Vasquez is traded to the Braves. Mood: Pleased. Trading Javy means two things - it means that we're getting some talented youth (which the Braves have in spades), and it means that Clayton Richard is probably going to join the big boys in the rotation (hell yes). While Javy eats innings and strikes out a lot of batters, he is most decidedly the anti-clutch as evidenced last year. Plus, the Braves will eat his $23 million contract. There is a god.

Announcement #2: Boone Logan is going with him. Mood: Ecstatic. Boone Logan has two purposes - growing an awesome goatee, and pitching well in Spring Training. Any other task outside of those basic functions renders him deadly to the team. Case in point, any Logan outing after May. His value is probably at its highest, and trading both Javy and Logan practically guarantees a AAA prospect - not to mention saving some cash.

Announcement #3: Sox are rumored to receive John Gilmore, Santos Rodriguez and Brent Lillibridge. Mood: Happy, waiting for other shoe to drop. I don't give a damn about Gilmore. As far as I'm concerned, a young scrappy 3B is just icing on the cake. Lillibridge is going to fight for (read: win) a job in the infield in the next year or so, and may be a steal for the club in the longrun. If Rodriguez pans out, and Cooper has a tendency to polish turds, this is great news. Sox are also rumored to get another top prospect...

Announcement #4: Sox get Tyler Flowers. Mood: Feel like dancing. Flowers is legit. He's (currently) a catcher. We get a post-AJ backup plan and the guy (roids aside) can flat out rake. He was considered an untouchable for Peavy. We absolutely dominate this trade.

Announcement #5: This quote - "Teams also are being told the White Sox will take offers on first baseman Paul Konerko and DH Jim Thome." Mood: Pants soiled from joy. This was the real announcement I was waiting for. This is Ozzie saying "Hey, Kenny, screw this "win now" bullshit. We've got these tubs of shit on the basepaths eating our cash and they're just not getting it done." Not only does the initial trade free up money to make a move, but freeing one of these guys practically guarantees we make a run at a big name player (Manny or Abreu? Either one in a Sox uni is fantastic news). We can go young and compete for the next 4 or 5 years instead of giving another half-assed shot this year and then being screwed for a decade.

This is just so much good news...stay tuned for updates.

Edit: Also, I totally forgot to announce the winner of the DVD contest - Mordechai wins for his amusing yet pitiful recount of how he was present for the Cubs historic 2003 postseason collapse. I also seem to have lost the email with the full entry. Send me an email with your address before I sell your DVD winnings for smack.

What the hell happened to: Mike Sirotka

"My junk looks FANTASTIC!"

Has it really been eight years since Mike Sirotka was last seen in a Sox uniform? Sirotka was one of the few pitching prospects produced by our farm system to pan out -- drafted in 1993, his numbers fluctuated from 1998-2000, but he eventually learned to pitch. In 2000, he had his best year yet -- 15-10 record with a 3.79 ERA -- leading us to the ALDS.

After the ALDS loss, we traded Sirotka to the Blue Jays for David Wells rather quickly...and sort of neglected to mention how Sirotka wrecked his labrum during his last start in the playoffs (it's OK -- Toronto never told us Wells was a whiny bitch who would miss almost the entire season...we'll call it even). After what was briefly called "shouldergate," Sirotka was indeed sent to Toronto, and never pitched in a major league game again.

What the hell happened to Mike Sirotka?

Well, he spent three seasons battling Kerry Wood for the record of simulated wins in a season, leading Toronto's simulated rotation to glory. He was then briefly on Pittsburgh before being released. The Cubs, having seen Sirotka on the South Side, acquired him in 2003, setting up the foundation for the best simulated staff in baseball (Wood, Prior, Sirotka, and Wade Miller). Alas, Wood and Prior remained healthy, and the chances for a Cubs simulated pennant run were shattered.

Sirotka dropped out of baseball after 2003, making him a bitch to track down -- but wait! Who is this guy from LSU named Mike Sirotka on LinkedIn who graduated in 1993? He apparently moved to Phoenix, starting "Just Like Home LLC" a properties management group...except that the real estate group doesn't seem to exist. Other than that LinkedIn listing, there's no information on that group existing...anywhere.

Which means...

Yes! Of course! Using his "Just Like Home" company as a front, Sirotka was able to import as much mortar, hispanic labor and beavers as needed for his master plan. He initially attempted to repair his left arm with the mortar, but upon discovering the severity of the injury, created a powerful steroid out of Venezuelan beaver cheese to train his right arm instead. Then, using the training of his hispanic co-horts, he learned to become one of them.

Obeying his feeling of loyalty to the Canadians, he bribed ex-Expo Javier Vazquez to retire early and spent the next two years impersonating him. Sirotka/Vazquez helped to tank the Yankees rotation to assist the Toronto Blue Jays. Then, when he realized that the White Sox were looking for pitching help, he made his move:

His revenge would be swift...