Bulls Hit

I think the biker shorts put this one over the edge.

Screw the Bulls.

We get embarrassed on a nightly basis, coughing up any hope that we have in the 3rd or 4th quarter to secure a loss. The guys that are supposed to be our clutch "5th men" at times like these are either shooting 30% (I'm looking at you, Ben Gordon), or starting because there's no one worth playing instead. I can't sit by and watch anymore as the 90's Bulls are erased from memory.

I propose a drastic solution instead.

Last I checked, we have a certain NFL team that's on vacation for the next 9 months or so. This team is filled with large individuals trained for hours of contact sports at a time -- why not utilize them?

With that, I give you the first Chicago Bears basketball team.

PF: Brian Urlacher
A Power Forward is often regarded as your best defender, and I can't think of anyone better than Urlacher. He's not afraid to hit, certainly not afraid to be hit, and he can definitely cause some havoc in the post. Although he's not the tallest guy, he can certainly take some larger players down. Aside from the occasional back problems, should be good for 18 pts and 11 REB on any given night.

SG: Rex Grossman
A Shooting Guard is often the team's best scorer -- and when it comes to scoring, no one outdoes the Sex Cannon. Not content to shoot from inside the paint, Grossman's trademark shot will be retreating to the halfcourt line, and then shooting a fadeaway jumper. Plus, in a sport that's known for a SG taking a lot of hits, Grossman would be perfect -- he doesn't need to fake like Noch, because a stiff breeze would likely tear his ACL. If only he could dribble without breaking his hand...

C: Greg Olsen
Olsen is not exactly a huge guy. 6'6 makes him the biggest on the team, and probably the biggest player on the Bears. What sets Olsen apart, though, is that he has unexpected mobility and good hands. Give this guy a headband, and Olsen should be able to get more blocks and rebounds than Ben Wallace without even trying.

SF: Mushin Muhammad
Moose doesn't get a lot of credit for having good hands, but he runs solid routes and can work the playbook. He's able to command the offense, and although he lacks the athletic skills of a PG, his aging body can still handle small forward. Look for Moose to take few risks, and maintain a high shooting percentage. This is the guy you want on the line.

PG: Devin Hester
The Point Guard is usually the most athletic guy on the court -- you try telling me that isn't Hester. Able to set up quick drives, maneuver around defenders, and provide that breakaway "spark," there's no one I'd rather have in this spot than Devin Hester. He could certainly lead this offense, and he'd look good doing it. Best of all, in basketball, you only have to inbound the ball -- there's no one kicking it to you to fumble it.

Sixth Man: Lance Briggs
Briggs brings more than energy off the bench -- he brings bloodlust. Hockey has goons, so why not basketball? More like a Dennis Rodman-type player, Briggs will provide a burst of energy to a tiring team, and is rivaled only by Urlacher for his ability to destroy opposing players. He'd be a starter if he had more experience.

I can imagine watching this team dominate, can't you? Urlacher fights for a board, dishes it to Moose, who finds an open Hester. Hester bursts downcourt, and with one man to beat, passes it back to a wide-open Grossman for the 3. Oh, and replace the Luvabulls (YEARGH!) with the Honey Bears -- the cheerleading squad the Bears haven't had in years (you might want to get a new group, as they'll all be about 25 years older).

As Johnny "Red" Kerr would say, "This team looks like they could win if they scored points and prevented the other team from scoring."

Lovablog

Apparently, the Chicago Bulls cheerleaders (known as the Lovabulls) have their own blog.

(At your own discretion: http://my.nba.com/forum.jspa?forumID=300014499)

I've been meaning to write a piece on the Lovabulls for a few weeks now, ever since I went looking for hot Chicago sports chicks for our valued readers (see: http://luolsdong.blogspot.com/2007/12/its-friday-hit-links.html).

To say I was visually disappointed is an understatement. Not only that, but do they really think that someone wants to read their blog? I mean, fine, if they were ridiculously hot and wrote about some questionable late night escapades, maybe. Do I really want to read about their rigorous dancing schedule and how hard it is for them to be a mommy and go to practice? Do I care about your brutally devastating ankle injury (mild sprain) that put you out of comission for a month? I would go ahead and quote some of this mindless dribble but I'll save you the stabbing migraine (we're nice folks here at the Dong).

Generally, when a man with testicles sees a female in a cheerleading outfit, he becomes aroused. (Our own TPC is an exception, as he ejaculates before arousal.) You can imagine the confusion and potential long-term damage of my neurons as I tried to process the observations below:

MILF Divsion:

So these chicks (old women) are clearly in their late 30's early 40's. Not brutally apalling but nothing to write home about either. The last two really remind me of a lot of my friends moms (if they put on too much makep and a slutty cheerleading outfit). The first chick isn't bad, and would be tolerable if she took care of her man-brows.

Yellow Fever Division:

Seems like a nice girl... but is this the best we could do? There are approximately 32454354398519768743 billion Asians (I know, because they comprised almost every college class I attended (all 3 of em)). I'm sure you could pay a smoking hot Thai hooker $5 a month to shake her ass in a Bulls uni and I'm dissappointed in Jerry Krause and upper management for not thinking outside of the box.

Versitile Division:

This 300 pound bench pressing beast both dances on the Lovabulls and occasionally subs in for Luol Deng when his back acts up. She's got quick feet and is a decent perimiter shooter but unfortunately, can't score in the low post. Rebounds like a motherfucker though.

Absolutely Frightening Division:

YEARRRGH!! Where did they find these creatures! I don't even know what to say. Seriously. If I saw one of these chicks on the street, I wouldn't look twice. Now you pretend that putting them in a cheerleading outfit makes them attractive? As a red-blooded american, I am insulted

Jean Girard: Why do you want me to break your arm so badly?
Ricky Bobby: You don't understand. You don't understand because you don't understand liberty. You don't understand freedom. So you put a crack in my arm like the crack in the Liberty Bell! You hear me?


This is America. We deserve better.

Happy New Year

After taking a 15 incher in the bung from USC, I think a more optimistic post about next year is in order.

2008 Chicago Bears:
The Bears sign McNabb and Alan Faneca in the offseason and bring back Grossman and Briggs. Urlacher re-aligns his spine while nailing Paris Hilton and Mike Brown drinks 5 glasses of milk every day and makes it though the year healthy. New infusion of talent from the 06 and 07 draft makes the Bears deep and dangerous. Prediction for Super Bowl XLIII: Bears 48, Pats 0 after Brady throws 5 INT's, clearly affected (and mystified) by Rex Grossman's ability to nail both Bridget Moynahan AND Giselle in the pre-party.

2008 Chicago Bulls:
The Bulls apologize to Skiles, bring him back for next season. After the Celtics early playoff exit, the Bulls deal Gordon, Duhon and the # 5 pick for KG. The week before the season starts, Michael Jordan sends a fax to Skiles, "I'm back. Again" and splits time with Nooch, averaging 34ppg in 15 minutes/game. Ben Wallace grows out his fro, becoming a dominant 7"8 force at center. Luvabulls are replaced by the chicks at Scores.



PART 2 (Sox, Cubs etc) coming up...