The Vagina Monologues

"Does this shirt make me look fat?"

This offseason has really been a lot of work -- I have a tan to maintain, and I have to keep my fingers looking FAB-U-LOUS.

(flashes a smile to the mirror)

Teeth whitening, baby. God I look good.

You know you want me. As a matter of fact, 11 teams want me. I know your team needs me to bolster your simulated pitching staff. Did I mention that I led the league in simulated starts over the last few seasons? Kerry Wood and I practically carried our simulated team into the simulated playoffs -- I'm just that good.

Houston is offering me enough money to buy manicures for a year, but the humid weather makes my hair frizz up so that my curtains match the drapes! Where's the mystery? So passe.

The White Sox are interested, but I just don't know if I want to stick around Chicago with all my old boyfriends -- besides, the cold weather makes my nipples hurt! And Ozzie Guillen? That guy wouldn't know texturizing shears from pinking shears! Have you SEEN that facial hair? Gross!

(crosses legs, placing hands in lap)

You know what I REALLY want? I wish the Dodgers would make me an offer - they have such good salons over there. Do you know how hard it is to work the "I forgot to shave but it looks perfectly groomed" look? It's, like, soooooo hard!

(chips a nail)

Ohmygod! Come ON!

Well, so much for playing this season.

Vote of Confidence

Best news ever.

In honor of the ascendance of my favorite QB of all time, I have put together a short montage of Orton highlights:

Here is Kyle, showing steady hands and great balance (note the 2 cups in his left hand). This is early in his drinking career (note the missing trademark neckbeard) but you have to respect the mess on his shirt (4 out of 10), showing he’s not shying away from getting a little messy if the situation calls for it. This also shows that he is a man that doesn’t drink, he chugs. I respect that.

In this snapshot, we see Kyle sporting the infamous neckbeard that made him a fashion icon a few years ago. That beard is absolutely spectacular- pubic, yet luscious. He’s batting about .750 here with his “fake homo” dance pulling 3 hotties on 4 sides- the chick in front of him just can’t get enough grade A Orton beef. He’s also getting really into the music (look at his face!) which shows how sensitive he can be… I imagine that’s where he gets such a soft touch on his screen passes despite his rocket arm. Also note the massive bottle of Crystal he got for HIMSELF. With Kyle, it’s go big or go home.


Shirt mess= 8/10. That chick= 10/10. I also think that might be Mike Piazza on his left but nobody seems to give shit when The Neckbeard is in the room.


This one basically speaks for itself. We can assume the shirt mess was 10/10, hence it’s omission altogether.


P.S. I just read this quote from Lovie on chicagobears.com:

“We have the Vikings up this week and I really can’t look any further than that,” Smith said. “Again, I do like what [Orton] could possibly bring. We had the chance to work him with the look squad all along. He’s been going against our defense all year. I’m excited about that. But we’re not looking any further than this game.”

This HAS to be the most non-committal, pathetic endorsement I have ever read from a head coach. I like what he could POSSIBLY bring? He’s been going against OUR DEFENSE (30th in the league) all year? We’re not looking ANY FURTHER THAN THIS GAME??? Jesus, give the kid a break! Brutal! I can’t wait for Monday… DA DA DUH DUH, DUM DUM, DUM DUM…