Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Kicking It Old School

Let's face it - Chicago gets its fair share of sports anomalies. We're known for players who are crazy good (see: Michael Jordan), and just plain crazy (see: Dennis Rodman). With Benson's most recent arrest, it's time to show some love for one of our less publicized skills: law-breaking. Without further ado, I present the all-time Chicago criminals...MLS lineup.

What, you can't have criminals play soccer? Screw you, I can do what I want.

Striker: Wil Cordero
Go Go Gadget Knees!

Wil Cordero is criminal soccer's version of "The Natural," and is definately an all-star at his position. Just listen to this:

"Red Sox outfielder Wilfredo Cordero, facing charges of assaulting his current wife, also allegedly beat his former wife when she was pregnant, according to a court document obtained by the Boston Globe."

This guy beat the shit out of his current wife, and he struck the pregnant ex-wife. Not only that, but he was resourceful enough to do it with a telephone! If that doesn't qualify him to be a "striker," I don't know what does. In terms of actual sports ability, Cordero was a Silver Slugger in 1997, and even though the ligaments in his arms are shot, I'll bet his legs still work.

Striker: Albert BelleWhat me worry?

I put Albert here based on potential. When it comes to being a striker, Belle has an incredibly high ceiling. Just look at the trouble he went through for stalking his girlfriend:

"[Belle]...was been arrested and charged in February, then arrested again May 17 at his Scottsdale home after he again contacted the victim. He has been jailed since the second arrest and received credit for time served only since he entered his plea. Belle's former girlfriend told police in January that she discovered a Global Positioning System tracking device that had fallen off her car. She also said Belle had threatened her."

That's just in stalking her! Can you imagine the potential if he actually got close? This guy could be perennial all-star!

Midfielder/Forward: Cedric BensonThis image can do no wrong.

Cedric could have been a forward, but something about needing to be able to run 10 consecutive steps forces me to downgrade him to midfielder. When he has an open field in front of him, he likes to fall down - in soccer, this is good! They call it "slide tackling." You need him to fall down to block midfield passing. As a midfielder, his job is to connect the forwards and defenders, as well as disrupt the same interaction for the opposing team. Not only that, but you know Cedric has some fight in him as well, racking up multiple violations in the same year. This is a guy you want to keep things rowdy in the midfield, pepper spray be damned.

Midfielder/Forward: Michael JordanContrary to popular belief, I am only 99% perfect.

Jordan could probably play midfielder (athletically speaking) even without me making things up. However, when you see how Jordan handled his gambling - bridging that gap between gambler and player flawlessly - you see how he could bring your MLS team to a whole new level with quick, accurate passes and a deep pockets for the occasional lawsuit.

Midfielder/Forward: Joakim Noah"KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!"

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: the midfielder is responsible for bridging the gap between the offense and defense. Noah is already a pro, having already bridged his fantasy drug-induced world with our own. If he can concentrate on the game long enough to remember which team he's on, he could be a valuable asset to the team...provided Ben Wallace allows him to play.

Midfielder/Forward: Tuomo Ruutu
But...I didn't do anything!

Ruutu is an interesting case. He qualifies for the list because he was arrested, but he was arrested because he looked like a criminal, not because he was one. Frankly, I'm torn about putting him on this list, but I think he has the actual experience needed to be a midfielder, and if we're even going to pretend to be competitve, ONE of these choices has to make a little bit of sense.

Defenders: Lance Briggs, Alonzo Spellman, Brian Urlacher, Tank Johnson

How can you argue with these selections? You've got your explosive/lunatic speedsters in Spellman and Briggs, and you get your hard-hitters in Urlacher and Johnson. Briggs is obviously the sweeper in this group - his experience with roaming the secondary on the Bears pays off here. Johnson provides the muscle for this group, and keeps the opposing team on their shooting at them. Urlacher can read incomind attacks - and respond with threatening text messages while Spellman can just try and blow up the whole fucking stadium to match any one of his exploits.

Basically, this is the defensive unit you do NOT fuck with. Just like the real Bears, their strength is in their D.

Roland? Call me Lando

Here's a guy you want in front of the net with the game on the line. Harper was always a good blocker with great hands, so you already knew he could handle a flimsy little ball. Then we learned that he had sticky fingers, too, and now he becomes the automatic choice for goalie. Best of all, if any one of these other players goes down with an injury (cough JAIL SENTANCE cough), Harper could fill in for any one of them, and get'er done.

Hugs and kisses!

This guy knows what the game needs, and how to play your cards. Enough said.

Oh, and lest we forget about this guy - UTILITY PLAYER.

1 comment:

Keggers said...

This is good stuff!

You overlooked Frank Thomas but I'm not sure he would beat out the two strikers you picked.

Does Jenks alcoholism count for anything? What about Pippen's drinking/illegal posession of a loaded gun/huge nose?