Tuesday, July 1, 2008


Before I get started here, I feel like I should explain the back story to all this.  A while back, in my infinite wisdom, I took my girlfriend to see the last "Rambo" movie in the theater.  Much to my surprise, she did not enjoy seeing random Burmese people being filled with bullet holes the size of those small Coke cans they give you on the airplane.  As we left the theater, the little lady was not in a good mood, to say the least. As tears streamed down her delicate face, she looked up at me with those sad eyes and said:  "You son of a bitch.  Just for that, you have to go see the 'Sex and the City' movie with me."

So before you go thinking I'm some kind of homo, THAT's why I was there.

Anyways...this movie is pretty much the ultimate chick flick.  It's like pornography for women.  Just like a porno flick might have a variety of scenes tailored to a wide range of male interests (yay Bukakke!), this movie contains just about everything women could possibly want to see. Is there a tiny puppy? Check. Newborn baby? Check.  Insanely expensive wedding scene?  Yup. A shitload of shoes and purses? You bet your sweet ass. Speaking of which, there is one scene where the camera lingers on a man's bare ass for a good 20 seconds. (Keggers will probably go rent it just for that).

The film did make a few concessions to the guys in the audience though.  Like, uh...I think they showed some titties once or twice. Oh, and there's one part where someone shits in their pants.  While that's all fine and good, I don't think it quite explains that old dude in the trench coat that was in the back of the theater alone. Maybe he likes shoes and purses too.

I should add that this movie is one of the dumbest pieces of shit I've ever seen.  There wasn't really any kind of plot, just various excuses to show the chick-friendly scenes I mentioned above.  I felt like I lost a good 20 IQ points just sitting through this thing.  As my lady friend put it, "It was like watching TV, on a really big screen, for a really long time."  Shit, even a lesser Stallone masterpiece like "Cobra" is cinematic genius next to this film.   It's also interesting to note that Sarah Jessica Parker is starting to look like one of the guitar players from Exodus.  Drugs are bad, people!!!

So what the whole thing boils down to is: Dudes like watching people get shot and stabbed, and women enjoy seeing other women go shopping and get married.  Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina.  Hope that clears things up for you.  And be grateful Hillary's not going to be in charge around here.


Keggers said...

And.... I just realized Fisting Andrew Golata abbreviates nicely to FAG.

Welcome back FAG. Keep up the angry rants with your eloquent prose.

Fisting Andrew Golota said...

Actually I realized that fairly early on. I thought it made it even more perfect for the Dong.

And this rant wasn't even that angry. I've been more in touch with my feminine side since I saw that movie. I also think that movie gave me a yeast infection.

Gepetto said...

Wow...just wow