Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Sports Need More Breasts

I got into Guinness because they're filled with mice

I'm probably going to get into trouble for this one, but after reading about the would-be-boxer who was banned for having breast implants, I'm starting to think that the universe is missing the point. Breasts make sports BETTER.

Case in point: Jenn Sterger

What's the biggest draw in sports right now? It sure as hell isn't the steroids. I think that Erin Andrews has a bigger fan base than A-Rod right now, and I'm pretty sure that it's not because of her ability to string two sentences together. Lisa Dergan, Jenn Sterger, and even Heidi Watney - all hired because they've got a nice rack. The same applies to Al Roker, John Madden, and every other lardass in the NFL booth. Breasts sell.

The draw doesn't stop on the sidelines, though - what about our attractive athletes? From Sharapova to Doug's unhealthy obsession with Gina Carano, there's more need for this than ever. Why do you think that women's volleyball players and divers, despite being immensely talented, get not noteriety? One word: aerodynamics.

Wait, she FIGHTS!? WHAT!?

Does anyone think that giving any one of those people breast implants will create a problem? In a non-contact sport like basketball or golf, I would be writing hate mail to the commish's office...but boxing is somewhat understandable. These women get punched a lot, and yeah, those things COULD explode and kill her.

...or she could just be "that really hot boxer with implants" who never has to actually succeed in her craft. Someone who just looks good despite having no actual talent...kinda like Anna Kournikova. Where's the harm in that?

It took me 20 minutes, and I still couldn't find a picture of her actually playing tennis.

If demanding more breasts in our sports and programming is too much, then this is a country I don't want a part of. Hell, the TPC watched the whole superbowl just to get to the porno. Up until this year, there was a Lingerie Bowl to watch large breasted women in minimal clothing "play rough." With the exception of the whole "we won't play at a nudist colony" thing (long story), it could have been the beginning of a much more promising XFL.

Until then, we wait.


stalkingerinandrews said...

This post would have been better if there were more visual examples.

Gepetto said...

Yeah, I thought about it, but I didn't want your head to explode. Maybe I'll throw up a few quick ones...

stalkingerinandrews said...

This is now the Best. Post. Ever.*

*Ever = the last 4 hours.