Sports Need More Breasts

I got into Guinness because they're filled with mice

I'm probably going to get into trouble for this one, but after reading about the would-be-boxer who was banned for having breast implants, I'm starting to think that the universe is missing the point. Breasts make sports BETTER.

Case in point: Jenn Sterger

What's the biggest draw in sports right now? It sure as hell isn't the steroids. I think that Erin Andrews has a bigger fan base than A-Rod right now, and I'm pretty sure that it's not because of her ability to string two sentences together. Lisa Dergan, Jenn Sterger, and even Heidi Watney - all hired because they've got a nice rack. The same applies to Al Roker, John Madden, and every other lardass in the NFL booth. Breasts sell.

The draw doesn't stop on the sidelines, though - what about our attractive athletes? From Sharapova to Doug's unhealthy obsession with Gina Carano, there's more need for this than ever. Why do you think that women's volleyball players and divers, despite being immensely talented, get not noteriety? One word: aerodynamics.

Wait, she FIGHTS!? WHAT!?

Does anyone think that giving any one of those people breast implants will create a problem? In a non-contact sport like basketball or golf, I would be writing hate mail to the commish's office...but boxing is somewhat understandable. These women get punched a lot, and yeah, those things COULD explode and kill her.

...or she could just be "that really hot boxer with implants" who never has to actually succeed in her craft. Someone who just looks good despite having no actual talent...kinda like Anna Kournikova. Where's the harm in that?

It took me 20 minutes, and I still couldn't find a picture of her actually playing tennis.

If demanding more breasts in our sports and programming is too much, then this is a country I don't want a part of. Hell, the TPC watched the whole superbowl just to get to the porno. Up until this year, there was a Lingerie Bowl to watch large breasted women in minimal clothing "play rough." With the exception of the whole "we won't play at a nudist colony" thing (long story), it could have been the beginning of a much more promising XFL.

Until then, we wait.

Breaking: The Fat Man Cometh

This is actually Colon (without hair) and not Fat Joe as initially thought. Oh, and nice rack...on both.

With a little help from the Spanish department at Luol's Dong, it seems that the Sox have come to terms with Bartolo Colon (pending physical).

No, no, a thousand times no!

When we had our first Colonoscopy in 2003, things were different: we were the strongest team in our division (on paper, anyways...damn Twinkies), and Bartolo weighed 30 metric tons LESS. Our offense was one of the best in the majors with Ordonez, Lee, Thomas, and Konerko, and we were poised for a pennant run. Chubby Checker was younger then, and pitched 242 innings with a 3.87 ERA...in games that didn't matter. I still remember those important games where he gave up 8 runs in the first two innings only to go and shut out the Royals in his next start. He was a workhorse, but not a consistent one. It's amazing what pitching 9 innings every outing can do to lower your ERA.

Fatty McGee topped out in 2005, going an unthinkable 21-8 with a 3.48 ERA for the Angels. Unfortunately, after some rotator cuff damage in the playoffs, he spent almost all of 2006 and 2007 on the DL. The terms of our deal with Lard Lad are undisclosed, but most likely, it's a 2-year deal, which means that the Sox could be in for a huge loss if Bartolo is hurt this year as well. Not exactly the workhorse we need nowadays.

More importantly, we're not really in a position to be competitive this year. I admire Ozzie and Kenny's commitment to winning, but this is not the time to be bringing an old cripple onto the staff. This is the time to be going forward with Danks, Massett, Floyd and any other youth we have that can throw a ball. Get the kids out there to play -- bringing in Colon almost certainly sends Danks to the minors, and probably has Massett DFA'd (terrible idea).

I really hope this isn't true -- most importantly, because there isn't room on the "fat-cart" for Colon and Uribe.

Update: Ozzie says he hasn't spoken to Colon in weeks...but Impacto was right about Castillo AND Dotel weeks before they were announced...