Fantasy Follies

PEW PEW!

Taking a break from, uh, "other important fantasy endeavors" (as shown above), it's time to talk some Fantasy Football. This week Keggers and I go head to head in our "this one is important" league, and I'm probably going to lose (fucker). However, for those of you that need to do some team retooling and insist on hometown pride, chew on these numbers:

BEARS RANKED FROM BEST TO WORST IN TERMS OF FANTASY RELEVANCE:

Matt Forte - This was a gimme. He's been good for about 100 yards every week - but I don't know how long he can keep taking these beatings. Keep an eye on Kevin Jones, especially if Forte starts to show signs of fatigue. Functional League Value: RB2

Robbie Gould - He's as good as gold every year, and the Bears are generally inept when it comes to scoring. If they could get into the red zone more often, he would probably be a top fantasy kicker. For now, he's just really good. Functional League Value: K

Brandon Lloyd - Sleeper alert on this guy. Orton DOES have to throw the ball occasionally, and with Olsen's show of grip last week, it looks like Lloyd will be getting even more looks. He'll probably be good for 4 rec for 40 yards in any given week, but don't expect the red-zone looks. Functional League Value: Bye-Week Plug-in, WR3 in very deep leagues.

Desmond Clark/Greg Olsen - These two are essentially the same, insomuch as that they both COULD score in the redzone...if only we could get there. An average expectation of each is about 3 receptions for 30 yards...and a 10% chance of scoring. You could probably do better. Functional League Value: Bye-Week Plug-in

Kyle Orton - As far as I'm concerned, Kyle is going to be the most consistent player on the Bears. He can't throw a log ball accurately, which keeps him to the short, predictable passes he can perform well. Expect 150y, 0 TD and 0 INT for every week. He's not going to do much else, I promise. Functional League Value: If your league requires that you start at least one Bear and 5 QB's.

Surprise! Bears are going to suck.

Excessive force! Excessive Force!

For anyone who is already itching for fantasy football season, Yahoo came out with their "Juggernaut Index" this morning, ranking teams on their fantasy value (so, essentially only their skill position players, QB, WR, TE, RB). Keep in mind this ought to have no direct correlation to the Bears W/L record.

Not surprisingly, the Bears rank DEAD FUCKING LAST at 32. I get the WR part (I mean seriously guys, Marty Booker and Brandon Lloyd?!?) and I certainly understand the skepticism at QB. Some folks are bullish on rookie Matt Forte (as am I) but if he's in your fantasy starting lineup, you are probably fucked. [Note: I am a total sucker for preseason hype. It gets me every year. I was the conductor on the Benson bandwagon disaster and I have been known to endorse other sub-par preformers including Kevin Jones, Vernon Davis, DeAngelo Williams, and Fred Taylor (but only while he was injured). Hell, I even liked Rashaan Salaam when we drafted him.]

A few personal thoughts on our offense:

1) If Mark Bradley turns out to be half as talented as everyone thinks he is, he should pull in 50 catches and 3-5 TD's as a WR3.

2) Matt Forte adds a pair of soft hands to the backfield that we haven't seen since TJ left. Don't underestimate Ron Turners affinity for screen passes and short routes underneath. He loves that shit. With Chris Williams bolstering our line and Greg Olson keeping MLB's/OLB's honest, he might have a chance at 60-70 REC's too (remember, Peterson had ~50 last year in shared time).

3) Rex will have a "good" year. This totally makes sense- he always does JUST enough to keep the Bears from getting rid of him. He's done this every year he's been in the league. In order to keep his job after the 1 year contract he signed, he'll need to throw 20TD's with less than 15INT's... he will probably do just that (and nothing more).

I don't disagree with putting the Bears at the bottom of the league in terms of fantasy impact. Our skill players suck. Perhaps if there are enough internet articles to persuade delusional Ron Turner to get some help at these positions (sign Koren Robinson?), we might not completely dismiss the Bears on draft day.

-Keggs

'Tis The Season

Baseball is almost upon us, folks, and with it comes the majesty that is fantasy baseball. Let me explain, using the proverbial '1,000 words', my history with fantasy baseball.



I can't believe I'm doing this again. Go Cubs!

I Am In So Much Trouble

This post may very well get me not only barred from posting on this wonderful sports weblog, but it may also get me kicked out of any synagogue I try and join in the free world. I am praying to any colored Jesus that the Purple one go buck-fucking-wild against the dogshit Bears tonight. Are the Bears my favorite team? Abso-fucking-lutely. Does my head hurt with a pain rivaled only by menengitis when the Vikings do anything positive, especially against the Bears? You bet your snowy white ass. But I have a huge problem.

Tom Brady, Joseph Addai and the Indy defense decided that for Hannukah they were going to come over to my house and take turns shitting in my bed. While Keggers' squad scored more points in the early games than it had in all 13 weeks of football, my team sucked more dong than Jessica Simpson in the Dallas locker room while her Dad watched with that shit eating grin. As a result, I need Purple Jesus to log 50 points in order for me to move onto the finals. You heard me, with Tom Brady, Joseph Addai (against the FUCKING RAIDERS DEFENSE!!!!) and Indy's defense, I am down 50 points to a team that starts Aaron Stecker and Kevin Jones at running back.

So please, Jesus (Purple or Carpenter). Save me from the 3rd place game. I have dominated all season long, at least give me the pleasure of playing for the title. The Bears aren't going to win, anyway. Neckbeard and a geriatric offensive line are not going to take down that defense. If I have to punch neck in the face all night watching the Bears lose to my least favorite team in football, at least let me capitalize by winning in fantasy.

Plus I saw Keggers out on Saturday and he was drunker than Grossman is going to be watching this one from the sidelines. Man he is sexy. Grossman, not Keggers.

UPDATE: My 4th grade math skills tell me that I need 200 yards and 3 TDs to get the points I need to win. Not completely out of the question, but unlikely enough that I am crapping myself with anticipation right now.