Dear smelly douchefarts,
Beware of the 'Wings. But beware-r of the Pens. Be careful what you wish for when you match up against Osgood and crew Sunday afternoon. You know from the Winter Classic that Detroit is tough, experienced, and disciplined. You may not realize, however, that the team you will see in the Finals, should you shoulder past the defending champs, is both tough yet finessed, experienced yet youthful, disciplined yet reckless. I know you can't look past the conference finals; it'd be silly to. But I hope you spent the last 2 weeks of outrageous rest at least glancing at your brethren in the East to ogle the city storming in from the annals of a recent Super Bowl win, slashing through their historic rivals (Flyers and Caps) in glistening fashion, frothing at the mouth for their next victim. The Pens are ready to exorcise last year's cup loss. But should you eliminate Hossa & Friends, Inc., Sid the Kid will be waiting for you.
Now, we didn't need much motivation to beat the Philadelphia. But Alexander Semin gave us some extra bulletin board material and Coach Cowher is doing the same for the upcoming series. Clearly, if the Red Wings make it, the repeat factor from last year will be enough to boil Geno's blood. But, you Hawks fans, you haven't enraged us...yet. In fact, there is no rivalry here, whatsoever. Bears/Steelers? Illini/Pitt? All we got is the Cubbies/Bucs and, as we all know, beating up on your dyslexic, ring-wormed, lupus-of-the-brained brother is nothing to brag about. I have no doubt your stupid asses will say something stupid though. And you do not want to piss off LeTang.
So fly past Detroit, we'll take care of 'Lina. Let's meet in the Finals. I'm warning you though: You've never seen a Penguin's Dong before. It may be just a sack of testes, but it's not something you want to mess with. See you in 2 weeks.
Steely McStanley Cup
Now, in most cases, I'd just do what I normally do when someone tries to piss me off: kill their parents, shit on their bed and kill their pets. However, when it comes to the infamous Raimster, it's not so simple. He doesn't have any pets.
It's also much harder to talk shit when the Hawks just got whooped by the Wings in game 1 and we're the underdog in the series (as opposed to the Crosby's, who are favored to go to the cup).
Aside from some purposful omissions that bolster the argument (you shitsburgites don't even have a basketball team), I have to agree - it's a really good time to be a Pittsburgh fan.
Now go back to rooting for your second rate team (let's be honest here, nobody really gives half a shit about hockey) and sit on your hands until football season.