Kenny Do Good?

...and so I said, "Rectum? Damn near killed him!"

Even though the Sox are rolling, it's pretty clear that acquiring Griffey was a waste of time. He leaves runners on base, has less range/mobility than John Madden, and generally under-produces where he can. Oh and did I mention that we're on the hook for a good chunk of his contract?

And yet, I'm not entirely convinced it was a bad trade.

See, we make fun of Kenny Williams. A lot. Sometimes mercilessly. But you also have to keep in mind that Kenny has an OBSCENELY good track record as of late when trading - so I have to believe that there's more to it than Griffey sucking. Here's a brief refresher course for Kenny's last few big impact deals in no particular order (deals we obviously dominated are in bold, deals that the full impact remain to be seen are in italics):

Sox Acquire Griffey for Nick Massett and Danny Richar.
Sox Acquire Horacio Ramirez for Paulo Orlando.
Sox Acquire Nick Swisher for De Los Santos, Gio Gonzalez, and Ryan Sweeney
Sox Acquire Orlando Cabrera for Jon Garland.
Sox Acquire Carlos Quentin for Chris Carter.
Sox Acquire John Danks for Brandon McCarthy.
Sox Acquire Gio Gonzalez and Gavin Floyd for Freddy Garcia.
Sox Acquire Matt Thornton for Joe Borchard.

If needed, you could probably bold a few more of these items (like the Cabrera/Garland trade, which was great for both teams, but just imagine this squad without Cabrera right now), and others will probably pan out in our favor over time (Swisher's value gets better every year).

Really, I think the Griffey trade might be a case of "addition by subtraction." Massett wasn't exactly pulling his weight with the squad (and he wanted to start anyways), and Richar wasn't going to make this squad any time soon with the emergence of Alexei Ramirez and Chris Getz. In return, we get a guy who could bring in some fans, give a little boost to the offense, and might be able to resurrect his career in Chicago.

In Kenny we trust, right?

The Griffey Ultimatum

YEAH! Strikeout with a man on 3rd with 1 out! Whoo! Show me some love.

I warned you. I warned all of you. As much as Hawk is still performing the oral roto-rooter on Griffey, this guy is not getting the job done. He strikes out when we need him most (most notably a three-strikeout performance against Detroit last week), and grounds into a double-play where possible. He is the exact opposite of the RISP production we thought we were getting.

Strangely, I'm not going to complain about the hitting (yet). Griffey is probably putting a lot of pressure on himself at the plate, and that can result in some junk AB's. He's not fast enough to turn a groundout into anything else. He will turn it around at the plate (he has to), but that's not one of my major gripes:

First, why are we starting him in center? Like, ever?

Griffey is the worst possible combination in Center Field. He has the speed of Mo Vaughn and the durability of Fred Taylor. Last I checked, that is a recipe for disaster. He can't catch up to routine fly balls (I saw a particularly easy one get cut-off after the hop at the end of the Boston series that Anderson or Wise could have caught standing up...or sleeping), he doesn't have the abilities he had when younger, and eventually, all this "running" will put him on the DL. Griffey has essentially become Carl Everett...without the ability to hit. That kills his value more than the bible killed Carl's belief in dinosaurs.

Second, have you noticed his disturbing "stiffness" trend? Griffey gets better treatment that Guillen's mother. Hot out and I made you bat 7th? Take the day off, I'll put Swisher in center. Smile too hard for a photo-op? Don't you worry, I'll get you into the trainer's room ASAP - rest for now, and I'll put Anderson in center. Spill your apple juice? Don't worry, mommy will get it.

This is baseball!

Last I checked, you play baseball to PLAY. If you want to make a shitload of money by doing nothing, take the Albert Belle route and retire when your new contract kicks in. Maybe get a restraining order on your ex to seal the deal, I don't care. I understand that part of this might be Guillen saying "you suck at the plate, thank goodness there's an excuse to put someone else in today" (which roughly sounds like "!@$#&ing kid needs to #$%@& his #$*&."), but you can only do that so much while continuing to sit Konerko (who, might I add, has shown a little bit of life as of late).

I get the feeling that Griffey is going to be more detrimental than helpful over the longrun. He'll want his playing time (batting between 3rd and 6th, of course), he'll push useful defenders to the bench (no one's going to bench Thome for Griffey as DH on a regular basis), and he's going to get hurt. It's just a matter of time.

As for me, I'm going to wait and see how long it takes before the Griffey effect spreads...

GIVE ME THE DAY OFF, OR I FUCK UP BROADWAY'S MECHANICS! I'LL DO IT!

Memo To Hawk: Shut Up

Don't lie - you were thinking it.

Hawk Harrelson is an interesting case. He's somewhat entertaining in the broadcast booth, and he absolutely loves his White Sox. Granted, his love comes at a price - he becomes retarded and more delusional than Courtney Love on a bender. The Sox are "the good guys," everyone else is the "bad guys," and every single bad thing that happens was because the other team got lucky or made a "once in a lifetime super-play."

This is fine - we expect it of Hawk, and we're used to it. I remember laughing along for games 1-162 of the 2007 season, where "Dadgummit" became part of my baseball lexicon because I heard it 30 times a day. But this Griffey business needs to stop - right now.

Every single night since Griffey was acquired, Hawk has fellated Griffey (and his "legend") in ways that make John Madden ashamed of his Brett Favre obsession. Griffey this, Griffey that - the guy wasn't even playing tonight! I understand the excitement of the first day with him on the squad, and even the second day, it's still OK. But it's been over a week now, and Hawk is still tongue deep in Ken's asshole.

Here's a sampling of some of the crap spewing out of Hawk's mouth:

"Look at that swing. That right there is a work of art in motion, DJ. It's perfect from beginning to end, and he's spent his whole career mastering it"
-After a Griffey strikeout, in which Hawk went back to watch the swing again in slo-mo

"People are worried about his fielding, but he was all over that ball. He makes a quick adjustment, and keeps his eyes on the ball like a centerfielder who hasn't lost a step. I remember when I first watched Griffey play, and I thought to myself 'if this guy can keep it up, he'll be in Cooperstown in no time.' Well, now he's in Chicago, and hopefully it's his last stop."
-After a lineout that went DIRECTLY to Griffey, which he still managed to get a bad jump on before backpedaling to make the catch.

"I remember back when I first started watching Griffey play baseball. The year was nineteen-dickety-nine. We had to say "dickety" because the Kaiser had stolen our word for "eight." I once paid four bees for a Griffey rookie card. We didn't call them quarters. 'Four bees for a dollar,' we used to say. One bee could get you a sandwich, a newspaper, and a ride on the trolley all the way to town. Anyways, the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt..."
- Blatantly ripped off from Grandpa Simpson. Still really fucking funny.

Long story short, this shit needs to stop. It's kinda embarassing, especially when Griffey looks less like this:

Momma, I got the foosball!

And more like this:

I learned the Retarded Ostrich from Rex!

Don't get me wrong - I like Griffey. But let's be realistic here, yeah?

Weekend Recap

I've taken the liberty of summing up all the relevant Chicago sports news from this weekend:

2) The stupid Royals continue to annoy the shit out of the ChiSox, winning 14-3 on Sunday and handing the Sox their 6th loss in 8 games. That puts the Sox a half game back on the Twins (who welcomed back a healthy FriLiano and won easily) and 2 back on the wildcard. In addition to the 14 runs, the Twins also got some hits on AJP (who is starting to look a lot like Elton John with his stupid hair dye) and we're probably looking at some suspensions next week. The best part of the game was Ozzie going ballistic on the ump... absolutely out of control. He looked like a cartoon character, minus the smoke out of his ears.


2) Steve Smith was suspended for 2 regular season games for going Chuck Liddell on teammate Ken Lucas during practice, breaking Lucas' nose and marking the third time he's gone apeshit on a teammate. Most importantly, he'll miss the Bears/Panthers game in week 2 which is great news since he really enjoys making our D look like swiss cheese:

3) Ken Griffey Jr looks good and plays good in a Sox uni:

4) Paul Konerko is FUCKING TERRIBLE.

BREAKING: Sox Get Their Man

CHICAGO, IL: The White Sox made the last non-waiver trade of the 2008 baseball season, trading Juan Uribe to Jefferson Memorial Cemetery for the rights to exhume and acquire the corpse of Honus Wagner. Just hours after acquiring aging slugger Ken Griffey Jr., White Sox general manager Kenny Williams decided that he was going to try and squeeze one last move in before the deadline.

"I couldn't be happier with the way things went," Williams told reporters at the press conference. "Honus was one of those guys that's been on my radar for a long time, and we're just really glad to finally bring him in. I heard about him a couple of years ago, and I really wanted to go and get him for the 2005 season. Unfortunately, Jefferson Memorial chose to block the trade last time, but we didn't give up, and now we've got our man."

Jefferson Memorial Cemetary supervisor, Mark Dougherty, had the following to say:
"We'd been going through a bit of a tough time with staffing, and we were looking to bring in some additional labor with suicides in the area mounting. When we heard that Kenny was interested in Honus again, we were obviously skeptical. Moving a dead player is a very complicated process. However, Kenny's willingness to cover all of Juan's salary was a large motivator, and removing Honus Wagner from the cemetary opens up valuable space."

While the full terms of the deal were not available as of press time, it is rumored that Williams would pay the league minimum of $1.02 (circa 1901) for Wagner to play shortstop throughout the 2008 season. Juan Uribe's contract would also be restructured, allowing Jefferson Memorial Cemetery to retain rights to him through 2009 unless Uribe reached the minimum 300-headstone appearances.

Wagner, best known for his contributions during the dead-ball era, was not available for comment.

White Sox Get Griffey...and His Gigantism

It's like there's a party in my mouth - and everyone's invited!

Well, Kenny got his man. He wanted Griffey bad, and it only took about SIX YEARS to get him. We trades Massett (I called that one, easy) and Richar (he may be missed if someone in the infield gets hurt), and we got the Reds to eat half his salary. Griffey OK's the deal, and now the fun part is over.

Now what?

We've got an old man - granted, a Cooperstown-bound old man - and nowhere to play him. The obvious gap is in centerfield, but I would sooner play Konerko in center than Griffey, and Swisher already has been covering more ground there than Griffey has in 8 years. RF or LF? The corners are clearly filled with two of our best hitters, Quentin and Dye. Well, what about 1B? We have better options defensively (Swisher, Konerko), and both are less likely to cripple themselves playing there.

So...we're paying over six million for a DH who's over the hill. Last I checked, we HAD one of those in Jim Thome, and unless there's a new "Really Fucking American" League where you can have two DH's, we don't have room for two guys like that.

And now we wonder - what the hell did we get Griffey for? I'm down to three theories:

#1. (Unlikely) Paulie is headed for the DL. Ozzie knows, Kenny knows, and they need to plan accordingly. This deal makes even less sense, considering Anderson could play CF and Swisher could play 1B. Griffey's presence here is meaningless.

#2. (Likely, but stupid) Griffey becomes the left-handed supersub that Rob Mackowiak was supposed to be, complete with sub-par fielding ability. Griffey can still hit for power, and I can easily see Ozzie using him as "rest" player. He plays LF when Quentin rests, RF when Dye rests, and DH when Thome rests. It's not really "starting," but Griffey came over because he wants to win...even if it means he doesn't play every day.

#3. (Absolutely) Brett Favre is coming over as part of a waiver deal in August. Book it.

BREAKING: Griffey to the Sox

I wonder if these gloves come in black...

Sorry to crap on your post, Keggers, but, well, holy shit.

The Sox are getting Ken Griffey Jr.

Currently, it is unknown what the Sox are giving UP for Junior (my guess? Nick Massett and a AA prospect I've never heard of), but I wish we had done this LAST year when it made more sense. Griffey can't play CF any better than Swisher can at this rate, and the corners are locked up with Quentin and Dye.

If there's another trade in the works to free up a spot, I would be surprised. It's unlike Kenny to alter the team much. Likewise, I know how much of a hard-on Kenny has had for Griffey over the years, so I imagine he's not going anywhere.

Stay tuned.

(Oh yeah - and maybe Favre will DH)