Saturday, August 2, 2008

BREAKING: Sox Get Their Man

CHICAGO, IL: The White Sox made the last non-waiver trade of the 2008 baseball season, trading Juan Uribe to Jefferson Memorial Cemetery for the rights to exhume and acquire the corpse of Honus Wagner. Just hours after acquiring aging slugger Ken Griffey Jr., White Sox general manager Kenny Williams decided that he was going to try and squeeze one last move in before the deadline.

"I couldn't be happier with the way things went," Williams told reporters at the press conference. "Honus was one of those guys that's been on my radar for a long time, and we're just really glad to finally bring him in. I heard about him a couple of years ago, and I really wanted to go and get him for the 2005 season. Unfortunately, Jefferson Memorial chose to block the trade last time, but we didn't give up, and now we've got our man."

Jefferson Memorial Cemetary supervisor, Mark Dougherty, had the following to say:
"We'd been going through a bit of a tough time with staffing, and we were looking to bring in some additional labor with suicides in the area mounting. When we heard that Kenny was interested in Honus again, we were obviously skeptical. Moving a dead player is a very complicated process. However, Kenny's willingness to cover all of Juan's salary was a large motivator, and removing Honus Wagner from the cemetary opens up valuable space."

While the full terms of the deal were not available as of press time, it is rumored that Williams would pay the league minimum of $1.02 (circa 1901) for Wagner to play shortstop throughout the 2008 season. Juan Uribe's contract would also be restructured, allowing Jefferson Memorial Cemetery to retain rights to him through 2009 unless Uribe reached the minimum 300-headstone appearances.

Wagner, best known for his contributions during the dead-ball era, was not available for comment.

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