Luols Dong Arts and Entertainment: Metallica

These days, Metallica are probably best known for playing in giant NASCAR stadiums, suing their own fans, and releasing an album of complete dogshit every 5 years or so. But as unbelievable as it may seem now, Metallica used to be one of the most fearsome bands in the land. Their '80s albums are indisputable thrash classics, and their live shows were the stuff of legend (don't even get me started about the time I saw them with Danzig and Suicidal Tendencies in '94).

Even though Metallica has sucked for nearly 20 years, there is a lot of interest in their upcoming album Death Magnetic, which is supposed to be a "return to form" for the band (just like the last 3 albums were.) So when they debuted a new track, "Cyanide," at last week's Ozzfest, many were curious, including a bunch of us here at the Dong. Does it recapture their former glory? Or does it just suck ass? Luol's Dong Arts & Entertainment presents an in-depth, blow-by-blow review. Hit "play" below and follow along.

0:57= The intro shows some promise. I'm not reaching for the lotion just yet, but at least this sounds somewhat heavy, and that's a good thing.

1:15= Bass and drum break. Since there are no guitars or vocals, I can only assume that this is the part of the song where James Hetfield pounds about 20 shots of Jagermeister. Yes, I know this part is only about 5 seconds long.

1:20= If this is the song's main riff, I'm not impressed. This riff might be OK if you're some bar band, maybe. A 14 year old could have written this. Suddenly I am losing my erection. Here comes another riff -- oh wait, this one is generic as hell too.

1:42= Hetfield, now completely wasted on Jager, begins hollering about death and a bunch of crap that don't make no goddamn sense. I'm sure there's a melody somewhere in here, but it mostly sounds like some goofy drunk shouting at you. And if you wanted that, you'd go visit your stepdad, right? Right.

1:43 to 5:27 = I got bored and made a sandwich.

5:28 to 6:00 = Clearly suffering from Alzheimers, guitarist Kirk Hammett plays the solo from "Ride The Lightning" by accident. Drummer/cokehead Lars Ulrich tries to get his attention by playing out of time and making silly mistakes.

6:01= NOW we're getting somewhere! The guys wake up long enough to deliver some kickass harmony guitars. This is pretty awes--- oh wait, it's over now. Then they play all the other parts of the song over again, in case you showed up late to the concert or something.

So there you have it. "Return to form" indeed -- if by "form" you mean a poorly written, boring-ass song where you have to wait 6 minutes for the only cool part. This track is kind of like those weird crunch things from Taco Bell: you have no idea how it got put together, and you don't really care because it leaves the taste of crap in your mouth. If this song is any indication, Death Magnetic will chug more penis than that hooker who hangs out in my alley. Time to hang it up, dudes.